Semester one, done and Holiday fun

I was debating retiring from the antiquated blog-writing life but I just could not help myself. I know it’s been two months since my last post and most of you have moved on and forgot all about my bearded face and hilarious antics. It is a time to rebuild and find my rightful place in your hearts.

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To be honest, all my free time has been devoted to school. I wrote two 20+ page scripts in about ten days and a 13 page research paper. I didn’t want to half-ass the blog or any assignments with school so I took some time off from this, I’m sorry! Semester one at Emerson is in the books and semester two starts in about two weeks. How did I do my first semester? I’m glad you asked, straights A’s! Well, one was an A- but that’s an A in my book folks. I’m really happy how the program is going so far, it’s a massive amount of work while balancing a full-time job. I don’t sleep too much anymore but I never was very good at that before. I live on a steady diet of Red Bull, vodka, whisky and humble pie. Alright maybe not that last one, humility is not really my strong suit. Alas this writing program has made me more humble with my writing skills. Sometimes I think I can’t hack it after reading script notes from my teachers and it’s taken me to some dark places. I have some really great friends and classmates that helped me through that. It’s really overwhelming sometimes because I want to chase this dream until it’s real. I know parts of me will get damaged in that journey so I have to turn my skin bulletproof and press on.

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We have so much catching up to do! I’ll try to give you the hits and maybe write this damn thing on a more regular basis. First off, I have my own website now, which is very exciting! One of my best friends and former lover Mallorie (yea, I said it) built this site for me and she did a great job! Thanks Mal! I’m still learning the navigation of the blog part of the site and the next post will be on there. Alight,  it appears we elected Donald Trump as our next president, which is horrifying but I’m not huge into politics. I’m more into them than I let on but I try not to talk about it too much because I’m not as well-informed as I should be. I am a very liberal human being and I hate how this election shook out. I won’t get too much into it but it appears America got collectively drunk and hit the self-destruct button. Soon enough we’ll live in a Biff Tannen alternate 1985 timeline world.

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Although this could mean more casinos? I DO love to gamble. But I hate ignorance more than anything in this world. This election was a result of incomplete information and specious reasoning. Instead of making America “great” again, let’s try to make it dependable. I don’t need America to be Ferrari, I would like to see it as a well maintained Volvo or Prius. I don’t need heads to turn and say “Wow!” when America drives by. I want this fucker to start on cold days, get good gas milage, fit my groceries and more than one person in it. End of rant.

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I saw a couple cool movies since we last chatted; Die Hard in the theater, Batman (1989) original 35mm print, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (way too long of a title). This week I’m aiming to see Manchester By the Sea and La La Land.

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DIE HARD

I also saw Office Christmas Party and it was absolute dog shit, but we snuck in beers to the theater and that helped a little. I also saw my favorite band in the world preform two of their best albums in their entirety. Less Than Jake played back to back nights at Brighton Music Hall, the first night they played Losing Streak which contains on of my favorite songs (Krazy Glue). The next night they played Hello Rockview which contains ANOTHER one of my favorite songs (Scott Farcus takes it on the chin). I had a blast both nights and that marks four times this year where I got to see LTJ live and probably over 30 times lifetime (not a bad life).

Let’s talk gambling briefly, since it’s one of my top three favorite vices (inquire about the other 2). I’ve played a few poker sessions the past few months with mixed results. I’m probably down a bit, but not much at all. Playing cards with short money is always tricky but I’ve made it work in the past. I won at Keno ($450) and that was pretty cool, now I’m hooked on another form of gambling with zero skill or strategy (oh well).

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Keno champ!

Scratch tickets continue to be pointless but help me fill my role as a white trash townie. Alas my townie status will be revoked in 2 months. I’m happy to announce that i’ll be moving back to Brighton, which is good because living at home is hurting my love life. Speaking of gambling, I’ll be making a small trip to Las Vegas this month. My TV writing program kicks off at Emerson’s LA campus on January 9th, which I’m ecstatic about. Before my week in LA, I’ll clear my mind in Sin City for a weekend.  The lineup of teachers in this program is incredible, including Jill Soloway (creator of Transparent). It’s a very intimidating notion that a multiple Emmy winner will be reviewing my work. If you excuse me, I’m going to go throw up. Ok, I’m back! There is zero fucking around in this program and that’s good for me, I need the challenge and see what I’m made of.

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Me.

I hope everyone had a great holiday, spending quality time with loved ones and presents as far as the eye can see. I had a great Christmas this year, spent WAY too much money but it’s always worth it. Participated in all my holiday traditions and they went off without a hitch. The Sunday before Christmas the family always attends the North Shore Music Theater’s production of Charles Dickens’ classic tale,  A Christmas Carol. It’s a great production but I’m sick of it, to be honest. I only continue with the tradition because my mom loves it so much.

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Getting the tree ready.

After the play we had a family dinner, pops made a bacon-wrapped hunk of roast beef, it was delicious. I even convinced my mildly cantankerous grandmother to wear a paper crown AND smile for a picture, that’s a real accomplishment. I believe she called me a “silly asshole” afterwards, that’s my Nana.

I made this great snowman but it melted the next day 😦

Christmas Eve is the day which holds 2 of the best holiday traditions. The first is now on-going for 20 years and it’s a Mcdonald’s breakfast with one of my best friends on earth, Brendan Powers. This year we kept with tradition (I feel like i’m using that word a lot) but THIS year we had a guest, Ms. Adelaide “Lady” Powers. Lady is Brendan’s 3 month old baby daughter and she’s cute as a damn button. I hope she’s okay with being a member of this tradition from now on!

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Lady!

After breakfast I had to finish a Christmas project I was working on for the boys which I managed to compete (I’ll tell you momentarily). The night of Christmas Eve sees your boy (moi), Sarad, Ben and the aforementioned papa Powers having a party. We get dressed up like gentleman, exchange gifts and drink like fish. It began as just the four of us drinking in Brendan’s kitchen and watching unconventional Christmas movies while getting drunk.

The Christmas eve traditions of the past!

Now Brendan is married, a home owner and a father, it has changed the party. The party has grown to include Brendan’s family and his wife Annah’s family. Both families are a blast so it only makes things better. We do a savage Yankee Swap and this year was the best one so far. I ended up with a sweatshirt with Taylor Schilling, the star of Orange is the New Black on it.

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Isn’t this shirt insane?!

After the Yankee swap and some drinks we exchanged gifts, as usual everyone got me amazing things. It feels nice knowing that my friends know we so well. As a special surprise for the boys for Christmas (this was the previously mentioned secret project), I wrote a 20 page script starring US! The movie is called BBM and the Brown Hood Save Christmas everyone loved it and we even did a table read. I worked really hard on the script and I was beyond excited that everyone enjoyed it. Points for me. As the night progressed I hit the gas on the drinking and when the party came to a close, we couldn’t manage to have an Uber or Lyft to get us home. I had to call in a favor to my friend Brittany who happens to live down the street from Brendan, I spilled half my rum and coke on her seat and I’m not proud of that. When I got home, I drunkenly woke up my brother and it was pretty damn funny.

Some samples of the script! If you want to read more, let me know.

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BBM and the Brown Hood.
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Some choice gifts from Val.

It appears I’m prattling on, let me apologize, I’m sorry but it’s been a long time since we got to sit down and chat. Christmas morning was nice, family time, A Christmas Story on repeat, great gifts, delicious breakfast and naps. Another honored Christmas tradition was carried out this year and that was attending the Hometown Throwdown. The Throwdown is an annual show that the Mighty Mighty Bostones put on at the House of Blues (wasn’t always there but it is now) after Christmas. It was an amazing show and I was somehow convinced to crowd surf, which was kind of awesome.

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Bostones!

The next day was New Years eve, I woke up on Keegan’s couch and we fueled up at Jim’s Deli where I got a buffalo chicken omelette. What’s that? you’ve never heard of that? ME-fucking-neither, so I decided to go for it and I wasn’t disappointed. I was so excited about the dish, I spilled buffalo sauce on my white shirt. I went back to Keegan’s spot and watched Ghostbusters 1 & 2 back to back. After that I went out with Benny and had some holiday beverages.

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One for the plug and one for the load.

No kiss for your boy at midnight but such is life. Also an obese gentleman called me “thickness”and I’m not sure how I should feel, maybe I should drop some pounds? I’m always fascinated by the type of people who attempt to cut others down. Possibly it’s just insecure people projecting their own short-comings on others? It’s never really been my style but to each their own. I was bummed out about it last night but today I feel fine. Perhaps I’ll toss “lose 20 pounds” on the New Years resolution list. Anyway, that should catch us up! I hope you all have a great 2017 and shit.

THE BLUES BROTHERS, Carrie Fisher, 1980. ©Universal.
RIP Carrie Fisher
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HAPPY NEW BEER!

Bachelor parties, weddings, school and halloween!

Bachelor parties, weddings, school and halloween!

Well, fuck. According to my records, I have not posted a blog in over a month? Let me check my calendar… well fuck me and you. This is not acceptable and I intend to rectify it. Since I have waited so long to post some silly nonsense about my goofy life, I’m sure the amount of people who care has shrunk considerably. Alas, I shall provide for those who have stayed! Where did I last leave you? Was I still 33, broke, living with my parents and in college? Ah yes, well nothing has changed but I did shave my beard! I miss it, but it was for the sake of Halloween, we’ll get there.

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Pre shave. sigh, so luscious.

My brother Kyle honored me with the duty of being his best man and with that honor comes one very important responsibility, the bachelor party. During the planning of said bachelor party, the groom (Kyle) decided he wanted to play a large part in its planning. I had an idea planned of what I wanted to do and Kyle agreed but that meant no surprises. What we/I had on tap was; poker tourney in to kick it all off (all of us are degenerate gamblers), then go karts, then Foxwoods for bowling and gambling. Kyle agreed but the challenge of surprises rested on my shoulders. I am a man who prides himself on two things; his ability to party and his determination to show the people he loves how much he cares for them. In the Venn diagram of these things, Kyle’s bachelor party fell smack dab in the middle! What is a man to do? A man like me? Find a fucking surprise or two! First I had to compile a list of worthy attendees. There was one person Kyle had become distant with and I took it upon myself to get him to the party. Surprise one, friendship mended. The next was to tap a man who was a parental figure in the infancy of mine and Kyle’s poker life, Romo. Romo is a great man and I’m proud to have become his fake nephew and real friend. Romo showed up to the poker table that Friday (bachelor party obviously) and Kyle lit up. Surprise number two. This blog may go long, so if reading about my silly life in detail is too much to handle, feel free to get off the ride now. Get off! Later gators! Please come back! I need you! Knowing all the attendees to the bachelor party are degenerates, I decided to make things more interesting. I developed a scavenger hunt for all participants of the glorious bachelor party. Points will be awarded for certain tasks, accomplishments, bets, achievements and party glory.

I had a clipboard throughout the day and as the power went to my head, I awarded and subtracted points as I saw fit.

Oh! what did the winner get? A glorious cornucopia of vices and fun. Competition is what separates the strong from the weak, BUT all deserve rewards for their achievements.

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Bachelor Party scavenger hunt first prize!

I also had a backpack of prizes, separate from the grand prize. In said magical bag were scratch tickets, nips of booze, Pez dispensers, and free strip club entries. I am a fair ruler but also power can make a man mad! Surprise number three in the books, Kyle and the rest of the boys loved it.

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prizes for all! There were like 20 more scratch tickets though, mostly duds.

John won the poker tournament, Kyle won the Go Kart race, Todd crushed the push up contest and by the time we hit Foxwoods I was pretty tipsy. Designated drivers all received 30 points and $5 scratch tickets for their selflessness. One more surprise before best man Matt fell to the booze and gambling. Before heading to Foxwoods, I texted Kyle’s dad to meet us at the casino. Harold (Kyle’s Dad) is a poker player himself so he just needed a little push. Around 11pm, I escorted Harold to the pool tables in High Rollers (restaurant at Foxwoods) and when Kyle laid eyes on his pops, he lit up. Surprise number four, and that’s all I had left in me. How did the rest of the party go? I gambled drunk and lost, borrowed some money from Todd and won most of it back the next day while sober. Sunday was the real important day, the wedding!

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Todd can do a lot of push ups! I lost $20 on this bet.

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Me keeping tabs on all the points.

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Groomsman and groom and groom’s dad. I ruined this picture.

In my 30’s i’ve been to many weddings, it’s that time in most people’s lives where they take the next step and become real adults. Me? Nope! Well… not yet. Kyle gave me a job and I was going to carry it out to the very end. One hang up during the wedding though, I had class! I don’t mean as in my sense of character or how I acted (I did), literal class for grad school. We had a peer review of scripts on Skype and I had to find a way to make it all work. With broad shoulders we welcome all possible weight. You know who said that? ME! I’m a beautiful and poetic wordsmith with a cute smile and bad credit. Also I’m short and bad at math. All the groomsman looked amazing and I was ready to lead them to Kyle and Jenn’s wedding victory! We sat everyone and I stood at the alter, swelling with pride for my brother and a pocket full of rings. I was terrified I would lose the rings so I kept reaching in my pocket and touching them. The ceremony kicked off, Kyle looked like a Mafia don, Jenn looked liked a beauty queen but hotter. The vows made your boy tear up, rings were not lost and we all cheered as they sealed the deal with a kiss.

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cute candid pic I snagged.

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Time to party! Shit, I have a speech don’t I? Crap! I wasn’t ready for all that! haha yea fucking right, I had that speech ready to go the day Kyle called me asking me to be his best man. I had written and rewritten it many many times. Most best man speeches are either funny or heartfelt, I think everyone expected funny out of me, I wonder why? Well, I went the other way and I think that took the masses of people who know me by surprise. Look, I can be silly joking Matt every single day, this was a time I wanted to be serious and show Kyle and Jenn how much I care about them. I’m not sure, but I think I did. After the toast I danced to a couple songs then headed to class. I set up my janky laptop and hand class for about an hour and they let me go early to be the best man.

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Class online in my tux.

More dancing and cue the drinks. I didn’t want to be drunk for my toast or my class so I held off. Surprising right?! Well, I’m not a total boozebag, alas as a writer, so I get a pass. It was an amazing wedding and when it was all said and done, we had a bit of an afterparty at John’s new (beautiful) house. I had a stressful week with school, work and the wedding so I called out Monday and partied with my friends.

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What else happened since we last spoke?! Let’s seeeeee, I took a personal day to explore some New England fall foliage and cider doughnuts. I ran the North Shore Cancer 5K and felt like dying but raised some nice money and got some dope NesQuick sunglasses. I also took advantage of a hot fall day and watched Ghostbusters on the beach while enjoying some beers with my friend BB.

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Ghostbusters on the beach.

Fuck Cancer.

I saw Beetlejuice with my man Keegan at the mighty Coolidge theater and ran into my homegirl Kylie from Emerson. Donated some blood for the kids and my arm hurt for 5 days for some weird ass reason.

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Bloooodddddd

Oh well. Then I compiled the necessary items for a perfect halloween costume, Quint from Jaws! Fitting right? I agree. Me, Keegan, Shane, Aaron, and Durkin dressed to the nines and hit the dance floor. I remember most of the night but not all of it.

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Black like a doll’s eyes.

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I also took a fantastic ghost tour of Salem with the infamous ghost-hunter BB and it was a blast. I almost peed my pants due to the abundance of Bailys and hot chocolate and the beers beforehand. On Halloween the mighty Coolidge had a double feature of Psycho and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. In between the films they had a psychologist ( I think) discuss the crime that inspired both movies (and Silence of the Lambs), the Ed Gein murders and other fucked up things, it was interesting and creepy.

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That pretty much catches us up folks. It’s finals season for my first semester of grad school and that will suck up a lot of time. I want to finish strong and prepare for next semester in LA. That sums it up folks! Look at that, I kept it under 2,000 words haha, you’re welcome!

Hunting Ghosts!

Until next time my sweets, keep smiling! Even when you’re convinced things can’t get better and you think your a fucking loser. Hang tough (me), it will get better (I hope).

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Enjoy this picture of Samuel Jackson and Tim Burton having lunch together. With a pillow of Sam Jackson.  Exquisite.

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Look at my great new flannel!

Now that I’m 33…

I’m not going to even pretend to apologize for not keeping up with my blog. I’m also not going to say that I’ll try to do better and post more. School takes up most of my free time and since I’m going to school for writing, that shit eats up a fuck ton of time. Alas I love this blog (still hate that word) so I figured I was due for a late night of drinking and typing. I’m actually in the middle of an assignment right now and I’m stuck so I thought this would be a proactive way to shake out the cobwebs. I’ll do some updates and try to keep it under 3,000 words because we all know I love to ramble…and gamble and say egotistical thinks like: “I look like two different people when bearded and shaven but both those people are extremely handsome.”Let’s cut the shit, I’m 33 now and that is too damn old! Actually, I’m fine with my age but the living at home with a lousy job is not very sexy. It’s hard to manage my Tinder matches while claiming living with my parents is a smart fiscal decision while attending grad school.

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Double Indemnity

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more Double Indemnity!

(homework!)

My (33rd) birthday was pretty low key this year but I still had a good time. I took the day off from work and continued the McAskill birthday tradition of having waffles with candles in the morning. This is a tradition my mother started when my bother Jamie and myself were young lads and has not stopped.

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(this is me proving I can do 33 push-ups on my elderly birthday)

I love waffles and being infantilized on holidays, so I have no qualms with this tradition. I had 5 waffles! What’s that? You’re judging me? How DARE you! I’ve had a freezer full of Eggos long before Eleven (Stranger Things) came along and made frozen waffles cool again.

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After the stack of waffles 5 high, I made my way to the beach. It was a beautiful day and I had a nice cooler full of drinks. After finally finishing a Batman comic I started months ago and forgot about, getting a sun burn and splashing in the water it was time to go.

 

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I stopped off to get a small pizza, ate the whole thing heroically fast and made my way to the movies to see Suicide Squad for the second time. I enjoyed it much more the first time around. It has its problems but is ultimately very entertaining.

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(mini pizza while watching Rounders briefly)

When I got home there was a mountain of Chinese food and I had my druthers as to what movie to watch. I landed on Joe Vs. the Volcano and the family seemed to enjoy it. In addition to the family celebration, my friends took me to a rooftop bar the following weekend and bought me drinks until I was drunk and yelling out of context rap lyrics. Which is something I do, ask Shane or Keegan. ASK THEM!

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What else happened on my birthday? OH! I now own part of the moon, no big deal. I plan to build a tasteful condo on my land and use it as a vacation destination and an AirBnB while I’m not there. Actually strike that, I don’t want strangers in my lunar bed that I’m not having sex with.

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(I own land now!)

Let’s recap some shit before I get to the most important thing to happen in ages! Hang in there folks. School is an endless barrage of work but it’s amazing how much I’m learning and seeing movies I’ve never seen and writing weird scripts! My teachers are geniuses and every day is terrifying in the best way possible. You know that old saying “stress dreams are the true signs of impending greatness.” That’s a saying right? Beyond school I’ve seen a couple movies, one very much worth mentioning is “Hell or High Water” one of the best movies I’ve seen in ten years. Think “No Country for Old Men” meets “The Town” but written even better.

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Go see it! I also attended a Great Gatsby themed party where I wore suspenders, a bow tie and beige flasher type coat. The party was lovely but I was driving so I couldn’t drink really and I decided to Irish goodbye the party and I felt like a dick immediately after. I forgot that an Irish goodbye is only funny around strangers, not when leaving the company of some of the best people you know.

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Gatsby?

What else happened? I played poker and I think I broke even after three sessions. I want to play more but it’s time consuming and school has me stretched thin. Just kidding, I’m still chubby. Look! I’m gonna lose the spare tire, just give me some time! What else? Oh! We found a bar that let’s you draw on the tables and that was super fun for like 30 minutes then that place sucked (bad Feng Shui).

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I liked how my hair looked in this picture and that doesn’t happen often. s0000 yea.

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(drawing on tables is fun! also out of context Chance the Rapper quote)

Let’s get to the best news to happen in ages! One of my best and oldest friends on earth had a baby! Papa Brendan and mama Annah gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on September 16th. I won’t post her name since it’s nobody’s business but I call her “lady” she’s adorable and I’m beyond happy to see one of my closest friends become a father. The sense of pride I feel is indescribable. I visited the hospital the afternoon of the birth and got to hold Lady Powers while Papa and Mama had a well-deserved meal. It’s interesting to see one group of people in my life progress by getting married, moving great distances, buying homes, starting families and I’m here regressing time-wise and going back to school and living with mom and dad. Alas we walk different paths but that’s not a bad thing. I’m so proud to see them grow and excited for myself to explore new journeys.

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These two amazing people made…

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(papa B!)

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(I will protect this nugget until the day I die)

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(uncle Matt in the house!)

That should do it for this post folks!

Keep smiling, even when the weight of responsibility feels impossible to lift.

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First week at Emerson and other fun…and a gripe or two.

I really enjoy writing the blog and for the most part the feedback is positive, which makes me want to continue writing it. There is also another side of that coin which is all scratched up and shitty like Harvey Dent’s favorite prop. Some people assume since I put my business on front street that they know me intimately and are allowed to comment on my life or if they disagree with something. Those people are slightly off-base but I suppose I welcome it by doing this, fair enough. I’ve ALSO had many people criticize what a do and how I do it. Throwing typos in my face and sighting which post is better than the other. Constructive criticism is difficult for creative people (yes, I’m cocky/presumptuous enough to label myself creative) and it’s something that should probably roll off my back. I will say this, typos will happen allllllllll the fucking time here and by all means tell me what you like. This blog is just for fun and updates on my adventures. What I do NOT like is being told if one is better than the other or how I could improve what I do. If you have such great and bold ideas you can do your own shit, it’s really easy. Just go to wordpress and register then say a bunch of goofy shit and make sure your life is at least half-interesting.

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(here is a stock pic of me eating a hotdog at Fenway to break up the tension)

I’m not saying my story is the most captivating but it’s better than most. At least I paint it that way. It’s intensely difficult to put out a piece of writing to the public. When I was in undergrad at MassArt for film, I would hit play on my movies then hide in a corner blocking my ears because I was terrified of how people would react or judge to my work. Creating something is a product of who you are, so when it’s not received well it can hurt. But that’s part of the unspoken contract. I was a weak boy while in college and couldn’t face any rejection, that is not who I am today. I can laugh at flaming arrows hitting my castle walls and take constructive comments in stride. I will say to you folks who don’t dare put yourself out there and still attempt to cut people down, fuck right off (you are few and far between but I see y’all). I had someone once tell me I was “rude” to my readers but they apparently didn’t get the sense of humor of this dynamic. I hope I never come off as rude or dismissive, I LOVE you guys. The fact that anyone other than my dad and best friends read this blows my god damn mind.

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(stock photo of me looking relaxed to further ease the tension)

Fuck a gaggle of ducks, this was a downer way to start a blog. Sorry. I’m gonna need to right the ship and steer us towards Tortuga, buckle up. Wait, boats don’t have seat belts do they? Shit, ok grab some rope or something. I WOULD like to thank my friend Rose for saying extremely kind words about my blizzog, which means a lot to me because Rose is a creative genius. Rose is also about to become a mom and I’m so excited for her, she’ll be an amazing mama bear and that kid will be cooler than all of us! Thanks Rose! MOVING ON!

How many of you stuck around after that opening drama? Just dad? Oh hey Chip! I’m sure you’ll enjoy my tales of the past week, fill everyone else in if they ask. As of now I am still waiting for the contracts on me and Donnie Wahlberg’s travel show but he hasn’t been returning my texts. Perhaps he and his wife (90’s icon and medical genius Jenny Mcarthy) are discussing vaccinations and how they have eleven braincells between them but get to address the masses whenever they like, yay America. Fuck. Yeaaaaa, I can have serious opinions too, refer to the fist paragraph. Alright, back to the funny. Continuing with our Wednesday tradition BB and myself packed a cooler and went to the beach after work (this was a couple weeks ago now).

 

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The water is insanely warm which attracts sharks but I don’t give a fudge because I love to splash around. Alright, I care a little. Sharks are scary as shit but I’ve managed to avoid them this long so I’m confident one won’t kill me.

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(good god I’m sexy)

After the beach we hit up a Barcade in Salem called Bitbar. This place only has the older stand up games from the 80’s/90’s and that’s right in my wheel-house. They have Ms. Pacman, Mortal Kombat 2 (which I royally suck at but it was cool because combat is spelled wrong so fuck that game), Burgertime, and my favorireeeeeee, The Simpson’s game. After dumping quarters and sipping overpriced cocktails we got the hell out of there. I was still wearing my bathing suit and sand was migrating to areas where I’d prefer to keep it out of.

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(I lost at this pinball game in about one minute )

(notice the Simpsons game appears IN the game itself, fuccckkkk)

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(Harley, my love) Fun fact, Harley Quinn appears to have a tattoo that reads “lucky you” right above her treasure, not the first time I’ve seen that in my life. wink wink.

Thursday was the big day! After over a year of waiting I finally get to see Suicide Squad! I loved it despite it getting poor reviews. Don’t let poor reviews stop you from experiencing things, just go see it jerks. I could tell you all the reasons I liked it but I have too much to discuss. It was great in my eyes and my eyes are so dreamy and have perfect 20-20 vision bitch.

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Twins! P.S. sorry about touching Harley’s boob.

(here comes the important part!) Get ready.

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While we’re on the topic of movies, let’s talk aboutttttttttt MY FIRST WEEK OF GRAD SCHOOL! Oh man, I yelled that so loud I woke up my parents. Chip and Val are pisssssedddddd. I was extremely nervous about this whole thing, going back to school at age 33 and paying for it myself. Last Sunday we had orientation and a meet and greet dinner with everyone in the major and all the Emerson big wigs. From the moment I stepped foot in that conference room I knew I was in the right place. The head of the department is an amazing and knowledgeable woman whom i’m excited to learn from. All the students seemed really cool but I was still nervous. The dinner was great and I got to talk to my fellow students, they were awesome! They also had free beer but the selection was rough. I had a Carona (sans lime, yuck). Then I had a chance to talk to a few of the teachers who were amazing and cool as fuck. One of my teachers wrote on Batman the animated series! I’m beyond excited about this program and I’m going to work my ass off to make the best of it. Monday morning kicked us off for the first day of the next 2 years.

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(Rodneyyyyyy)

Ok, this program is the first of its kind that Emerson is offering and I’m excited to be a part of it. This is the first Film/TV writing MFA program ever offered and it’s a low-residency one. What that means is one week on campus in the beginning of each semester. First one in Boston, second in LA, Third in Boston and final semester in LA. The Boston residencies will be Film writing and the LA ones will be TV writing. After the first week of every semester the courses will be online. I have a lot to say about this week but it would come off as rambling so I’ll try to condense it. haha just kidding, you guys know I have no ability to condense myself while writing. So suck it. Monday made me realize the density of this program and I was terrified but ready for the leap. Tuesday we had a class with a two-time oscar winning screenwriter who I will not name but she was amazing. Beyond knowledgeable (obviously), honest and truly inspirational also a hard ass no nonsense blunt genius. She asked us to pitch a feature film and then write a 3-5 page scene from said  pitched feature, which was due the next day.

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(learnin’)

All of the students were put up in a hotel around the corner from the campus and originally I declined then realized that was foolish so Tuesday I asked if I could stay in the hotel. The head of our program kindly made it happen (which was so great of her to do). Tuesday night we got out of class at 10pm. Afterwards I drove home, packed a bag, had a beer, drove to my old apartment in Brighton to leave my car, took an Uber back to the hotel and around 12:30am I started writing. I was pleased with the result and got a couple of hours of sleep, yayyyyy. Wednesday was a really big day for me and I’m going to share a little bit of it. I met with with my (Oscar-collecting) teacher around 9pm and we went over my script. I won’t get into the details but it was great and one of the most creatively validating things of my life. Once the pressure was off the whole class decided to go out and have some drinks. We met up at the best dive bar in Boston, The Tam. The cheap beer flowed, stories exchanged and favorite movie debates rang throughout the narrow bar. After the Tam we headed to a Karaoke bar and belted out deep cut hits for an hour. After that we partied in one of our rooms in the hotel and saw a naked man in the adjacent building, so that was fun. Wednesday night was one of the best of my life and I have to thank Emerson and my incredibly fun and talented classmates. The rest of the week was great and I can’t believe it’s over. I learned more in one condensed week at Emerson than over half my time at MassArt (sorry). Perhaps it’s that I’m finally studying something that I’m passionate about so every class is a treat (oh shit! I’m a nerd now!). One night we had an optional 3 hour block to go over any writing sample with our classmates and we took full advantage. We sat in the lobby of our hotel with our laptops doing table reads of one another’s scripts and stayed past 11pm (over  hours). It was incredible, the concentration of talent in this program is indescribable. The notes were helpful, constructive and never negative. I am beyond excited about sharing the next two years with these 12 (counting me) people. Emerson Mafia for life. Week one is in the books and if i’m not around for the next couple years, I’m working on shit. Sorry. I will make time for my work, friends, family, this blog, fucking around but school is my top priority. Enough about school, moving on!

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(who shot ya?) That joke only works for old western fans AND Biggie fans, small intersection I know. Still gold.

Moving on! The show Stranger Things on Netflix is great and worth watching but you probably already have or heard it from all your friends. They are right, go watch it ya jerk.

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I got 2 new pairs of shoes in the mail and they are beautiful but subtle (unlike myself).

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I saw Big Lebowski on 35mm at the Mighty Coolidge Corner theater for their annual showing. Me and Powers got there nice and early to snag a good seat. They had bowling on stage and a costume contest. A woman dressed as Maude Lebowski won and made me realize that I need to find someone like that, a dame who will dress like Maude Lebowski and show it off proudly for strangers. The 35mm print was great and that film plays perfectly to a sold out audience (all the jokes hit harder).

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(Midnight Mark, master programer of the Mighty Coolidge)

IMG_6342(Maude)

I killed a spider with a nerf gun and documented it with multiple videos on my instagram, check my shit fool.

Caught a Piebald reunion concert with my man B and mended a friendship that experienced a strain a little while ago and I’m beyond relieved it’s back to normal, I won’t get stuck again. Great show, beer flowed and nostalgia was had by all!

(future father living out his own childhood)

Blink-182 was my favorite band growing up and they broke up because Tom was chasing aliens but has been replaced with Matt Skiba from Alkaline Trio (that’s a band). Fun fact, I once knew a dame with an Alkaline Trio tattoo but I forget who it was (I don’t really) and I forget how we met (psst, I remember that too). The old days of Boston were fun but sadly we all grew up. That was weird Matt, what did that mean by that? Don’t worry about it! So nosey. The show was a lot of fun, not their best but I had a blast. Rode down with Keegan and his lady, met my homegirl Nicole and partied with her and her hubby for a few songs. Then I got drunk and explored, ran into my buddy Matt (too many Matts). After the show it took us 3 hours to get out of the parking lot but I passed out at hour 2 I think. Sorry Keegan.

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That should catch us up on everything! sorry for the weird beginning but I had to get it off my chest. Maybe I didn’t? Who knows, I don’t keep much to myself and you’re here so I’m gonna tell ya! Thanks for reading kids! See ya next time! Also my birthday is coming up so I’ll expect well-wishes! (August 30th).

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(in case you were wondering what to get me for my birthday)

Keep smiling and keep you eye out for your breadcrumbs (figure it out).

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(cheesy but I adore it)

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Thank you sir…

 

I’m basically famous now

I’m basically famous now

I promise I won’t let fame go to my head, I will stay grounded and never forget all of you. What the piss am I talking about? I’ll tell you! But that will have to wait until later. We’re exactly 3 weeks from classes starting and I’m starting to freak out slightly (just kidding I’m freaking out a shit load, is shit load one word or two? shitload. Yea, that’s better). I received and email with my summer reading and I already feel like a teenager again. I live at home, I’ll be a college student ummm wow that was depressing. Fuck. Let’s move past the school stuff because if I talk about it too much I’ll freak out and move to California for 3 weeks again. Don’t make me do it! What’s the next order of business? Ah yes the comedic recapping of my life since we last spoke. Grab a seat…not that one…that one is better…a little closer please…look me in the eye…ok, now we can begin.

An event rolled into town last week, a unique one. This event is certainly outside of the box so when Shane saw it was coming to Boston he scooped tickets as fast as he could. That event was Point Break Live!

image Now we all know the 90’s classic Point Break starring one Keanu Reeves and the unforgettable Patrick Swayze (rest in power Bodhi). Think of Point Break Live as a community theater production of the movie with more improvised comedy.  The best part of the show is they use an audience member to play the mighty Johnny Utah. Before the movie Shane, Keegan and myself procured ourselves some meatball subs from Pinocchio Pizza. According to Shane this is Ben Affleck’s favorite pizza spot and if Batman is eating there then I need to as well. The acquisition of meatballs subs is a tradition that Ethan and myself started before watching Point Break due to the famous line delivered by the insane/charming Gary Busey “Utah! get me two!” referring to the amount of meatball subs he needs during a morning stake out. Sadly Ethan couldn’t make it to this performance so I ate my sandwich in his honor. After the delicious subs we walked to the theater and were met by a Good Humor truck giving away free ice cream! It was amazing and we clearly indulged. With that I must mention I’m slightly lactose intolerant. After waiting in line to get in and grabbing a beer the culmination of the cheese-covered meatball sub and brick of ice cream I ate, my bowels wanted to have a word with me. So while casting the lucky crowd member as Johnny Utah I made my way to the bathroom and proceeded to spill half my drink while cleaning the toilet seat, but I saved the other half.

IMG_6141(I saved this half, yes I’m on the toilet)

The Show was hilarious and a fun time, they shot the crowd with water guns and had me doubled over in laughter the whole time.

IMG_6144(This dude playing Gary Busy’s charter Pappas was a madman)

When Point Break Live was done I decided to head to a poker game and try to make a little money. This turned out to be a good decision, half the players in the game were either high or drunk. I took full advantage of the situation and went home with a few hundred extra dollars. Oh and I didn’t go to bed until 4am, which isn’t ideal for real humans but alas I am not one of those. I played a few more poker sessions with mixed results but ultimately I’m up some money this week. I played at my favorite home game in Boston, up in New Hampshire with the dumpster people and Foxwoods (my old office). The trip to Foxwoods was a rough one, winning seemed impossible until 2am when I won a big pot and won back all the money I was down (roughly $300).

IMG_6206(comeback stack)

IMG_6154(dumpster people stack)

After that hand at Foxwoods I was up a few bucks and decided to make a break for it. All in all my game is solid but could use a a lot of work. Most of my poker winnings are going to the laptop fund and frivolous spending fund (but not by choice).

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(exhibit A)

FullSizeRender(6).jpg(exhibit B: Sandlot shirt)

FullSizeRender(5)(exhibit C: Kill Bill shirt, there are more but we’ll stop here)

Last summer I made it a point to make many beach trips (my goal was 20 but I came up short with 13) and this summer I’m blowing it big time. Here are the issues with that, I have softball in Boston on Saturdays and that dicks up my day pretty hard. Saturdays are the ideal beach day of course but driving from Beverly to Boston then back to the north shore leaves me at the beach around 4, which blows. That all changes this Saturday, I made a tacit agreement with myself and I’m fucking sipping cocktails while the waves crash in the distance. I have made some late day beach trips though. Me and my homegirl BB packed a cooler and hit the sand in lieu of deck drinks at a local watering hole. I also decided that jumping in the water was necessary, mostly because I needed to pee and it seemed like the best option. Sorry fish.

IMG_6107(BB was just hanging out in the hole for some reason, weird)

FullSizeRender(BB took this, that’s the ocean I peed in)

Summer and I also made a beach day attempt one faithful Saturday but after about 2 hours were met by rolling thunder storms and a rather comical torrential down-pouring of rain.  It was like a scene out of a shitty romantic comedy except it was just annoying and ruined my relaxing day of ogling Summer in a tiny bikini. The rain attempted to ruin our day but we decided to have adult beverages and I had a few too many on an empty tummy and have dialed back my alcohol consumption (*sips glass of whisky*) since that day. I like to enjoy a cocktail or 4 but it doesn’t need to be a regular thing so partying will be cut down a bit for old Matty McFly. Don’t fret folks, I’m fun sober and tipsy (I think).

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IMG_3850(stock photo of me drinking…and looking like James fucking Bond)

Since we last sat down and had a heart to heart chat about my life and you listened intently, I have done some serious movie watching. One night I caught a midnight viewing of Drunken Master (1978) this is one of those old Jackie Chan movies that was remade after he became popular in America.

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IMG_6152(I feel that Jackie)

We watched the original and it was pretty great, I was coincidentally drunk during the viewing. Shane is a big kung fu fan so I met him and Keegan at the Brattle Theater for the flick. It was a fun kung fu festival of kicking and whatnot but it was WAY too long. Another faithful night Shane and myself kept with the theme of fighting and caught a midnight screening of Fight Club.

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The mighty Coolidge Corner theater (my favorite place on earth) was showing a 35mm print. The print was pretty banged up at points but it fit the theme of the movie and drew a really good crowd. I haven’t seen that movie on the big screen since its original theatrical release in 1999.

IMG_6197Myself and pile of kids I played hockey with saw the movie back then and foolishly decided to start our own fight club. Just a bunch of kids beating the piss out of each-other in my friend Luke’s basement. Very dumb. Next movie! While attempting to see Batman: The Killing Joke, Keegan and myself found ourselves on the wrong side of a sold out theater. We didn’t want to call it a wash so we went and saw Star Trek Beyond instead. It was no classic Batman comic realized on the big screen but it sure was a dope movie. I was never a Star Trek fan but these new movies are a fucking blast to watch. I highly recommend this third installment which was directed by Fast and the Furious’s Justin Lin. Last Monday I decided to finally go see the new Ghostbusters movie with my big bro Jamie. Jamie and I LOVED Ghostbusters growing up so I was nervous but he had high hopes. This movie is fucking awesome, I was dead wrong (pun) to doubt it.

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(Me and big bro)

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(get em girrrrlllsssss)

The cast was fantastic, the special effects were captivating and it was god damn hysterical. If you’re on the fence about this movie you should hop over and stop being a pansy. Sure it has some goofy parts but it’s a movie about catching ghosts, of course it has goofy parts. Well done ladies! I’m even going to see it AGAIN! This time in 3D and possibly while high on wacky tobacky. Also Kate McKinnon is the funniest person on Earth, hands down. While we’re on the topic of movies (I’m on this topic a lot) let’s discuss the trailers that were released at San Diego Comic Con.

They released a pile of trailers this year at comic con but I really only give a shit about two. First; Wonder Woman, this movie looks insane! Think Captain American: The First Avenger but make it a woman who is basically a god. The trailer had amazing action and Gal Gagot is nothing short of radiant and an utter bad ass. Another point for the ladies, I love it.

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(queen bad ass)

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(YASSSSS)

The second trailer that I clearly freaked out over was for Justice League and I’ve watched it over 20 times. First thoughts, it looks incredible but I felt the same way about the Batman V. Superman Dawn of Justice trailer and was slightly disappointed by the movie itself. Justice League appears to have adjusted and added a slight sense of humor, which the DC movies need. This trailer highlights Arthur Curry (Aquaman) played by the ultra hunk Jason Momoa having exchange with Bruce Wayne which leads to a great line of dialogue.

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IMG_6229(Flash)

IMG_6226(Aquahunk)

IMG_6230(you know)

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(get em)

I was bummed I couldn’t be at comic con, I’ll try again next year to get tickets. I went once a few years back and I had a fucking blast. Lucky for me  had a couple friends there who I asked to send me pics of the more choice highlights of the Con. Actually I just wanted pics of them with this Batman statue and they delivered.

FullSizeRender(2)(statue of Batman from Frank Miller’s epic Dark Knight Returns comic book)

IMG_6231(My homegirl Alex tracked him down VERY quickly while on break from her many many duties with Blizzard)

IMG_6147(look who my lovely friend Reena found!)

Speaking of Batman (I speak of that a lot) while in the process of writing this blog post I watched Batman: The Killing Joke and I wasn’t impressed. It was disjointed, the female lead wasn’t represented well and the ending was a letdown. Oh well! Bring on Suicide Squad!

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IMG_6177(I touched her boob, Joker was PISSED)

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(OK OK I’M SORRY)

Oh! You’re probably curious why I said all that jive about being famous when we started off today. Well, my episode of Wahlburgers aired last week! It’s called five card studs or something moronic like that. You can see the side of my face while Donnie is presenting a trophy to his uglier brother.

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IMG_6161(fame)

Soooooo me and Donnie are basically best friends now and we’re launching our own spin-off called Donnie love’s Matt where we plan celebrity vacations then join them and hilarity ensues. Kiddinggggggggggggggggg of course, but it was funny seeing my handsome mug on TV. Well, that should do it for this week, I’m finishing this post on my iPad while at a poker game. I need to focus on making some tuition money! Until next time folks, thanks for reading.

Keep smiling (even when you have to wait more than a year to see Justice League)

IMG_6178(we had slush day at work, I shamefully had 2 and my nails looks gross. sorry)

IMG_6218(Narragansett throwback cans, like from Jaws!)

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(seeeeeee)

Here comes from more pics from Justice League because fuck it.

IMG_6242(cyborg)

IMG_6244(The Flash)

IMG_6243(Bruce Wayne sitting)

IMG_6245(Bruce Wayne in action!)

IMG_6246Tomorrowwwwwwwwwwww

Bye folks!

 

Time Travel (good news everyone!)

Hey folks! I’m happy to report that I heard back from Emerson last week and I was accepted to their Masters program for Film and TV writing. I would like to thank all of you who used their birthday wishes and stray eyelashes to get me into school. I should take SOME credit because I did all the work but the positive energy you guys sent me was amazing. I start classes the 21st of August and I’m nervous as fuck. This means so much to me and I’m going to bust my balls to make sure I get the most out of it. The program is a low-residency one which means I can still work full time. Part of the program takes place in Los Angeles funny enough. The beginning of the second semester I’ll be doing a week of TV writing workshops at the LA campus of Emerson College, which is really cool. It’s also really fucking funny that I drove all the way to California, hated it (not 100%), came home and decided I needed more school and that school is sending me back. Life is funny that way I guess, keeping yourself open to any experience is the number one thing that keeps it interesting.  In addition to being accepted into college I received a small scholarship, which is pretty cool and I’m really proud of it. More and more and more more writing is in my immediate future and I couldn’t be more excited. I will continue the blog throughout college because it will be fun to report the journey and shit. Ok, enough about grad school and the impending student loan debt I’ll be in.

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YAY ME!

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This past week was a drastic pivot from the week before it when nothing seemed to go right. So many awesome things happened in the span of 7 days, I was on cloud nine most of the time. Once I got into school everything seemed perfect or at least covered in pink slime and charged with positive energy (Ghostbusters 2 reference, keep up).

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Monday, Summer and I had tickets to see Pulp Fiction at the mighty Coolidge Theater. The 35mm print was great quality (minus the sound sync in the first few minutes) and that was the first time I had seen that movie on the big screen. It was so much fun having those laughs and gasps with a large group of people, especially people who are already big fans of the movie. After the movie I wanted to keep on theme and brought Summer to Tasty Burger, which was named after a scene in Pulp Fiction itself. It even has a mural of Uma Thurman eating a burger on the wall in the downstairs dining area. It sits to the left of the bathrooms with the codes on the door so junkies can’t shoot up in the bathroom. At least that’s what a waiter told me there once.

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The food there is good but the dining experience is less than ideal. After the meal a severely unpleasant conversation transpired and it was very unfortunate but I don’t want to get into that. Pulp Fiction was still great and I received my Coolidge Corner Theater membership in the mail the same day! This month they are running a promotion if you sign up for a membership you also get 2 free movie passes. I go to the Coolidge roughly once a week so this was a no-brainer for me.

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Yessssss

Oh! I should probably mention that I was NOT fired for the little accident I had at work. You remember, when I crashed into the ceiling like an idiot. I had my fork truck license (temporarily) revoked and I had to retake all my safety training. Today we actually had a meeting discussing the incident since my boss was out last week. Luckily the accident is slowly becoming old news and can be joked about. Thank god I didn’t get fired though! Well my job kind of sucks and I have zero room to grow and I’m underutilized and barely appreciated but hey, my boss is cool and it pays the bills so fuck it. Plus the point of higher education is to better yourself and move past jobs of this nature.

This past week I also returned to the felt and started playing poker again. It was a shaky start which resulted in me punching my steering wheel on a few rides home. I’ve since shook off some of the cobwebs and starting playing a bit better. I realized how much I missed the game itself and it was exiting to be back at the table stacking chips again. My little brother is actually returning to the game as well, which is exciting because he’s my poker mentor/hero. This is someone who turned 3k into over a quarter or a million in about a year and a half. He’s truly talented and I hope I can keep learning from his boundless poker mind. Also gambling is fun as fuck, firing money into pots and walking home with wads of money, or nothing (hopefully not).

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Gambling and fancy drinks

The biggest highlight of the week, minus school news of course was my triumphant return to the Vans Warped Tour. I grew up a Ska/punk kid with a group of friends who all did the same thing. Ethan was the person who got me into that music and he never stopped going to the Warped Tour. I threw the towel in years ago because it was always too damn hot, the crowds were insane and the lineups got less and less appealing. But THIS year was different, my two favorite bands were playing! Less Than Jake AND New Found Glory were set to preform and I wasn’t about to miss that. I donned my famous Hawaiian shirt (the one I used to wear all the time in high school) and we headed to the Xfinity Center (formerly the Tweeter center and formally Great Woods).

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This shirt

Wednesday was supposed to hit the 90’s so I brought a cooler of beer, whisky gingers, Gatorade and water. I also packed 3 outfit changes and a large bottle of sunblock. I don’t take too many days off so I really wanted to enjoy myself but didn’t want to get drunk enough to forget any performances or dehydrated in the oppressive heat, preparation was the name of the game. We sauntered over to the VIP tent to acquire our wristbands (after I drank a beer then poured a second into a water bottle). At the VIP ticket tent I ran into the girl I dated last summer and it was briefly awkward but recalled all the fun times we had and it quickly became a welcomed reconnection. We strolled into the venue and studied the bands and when they were set to play. All of the bands we wanted to see were all in a row so the stars seemed to be alined.

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We had a couple hours to kill before our first desired band so we browsed the merch (this is slang for merchandise) area and got a little food. I bought some amazing shirts (luckily I won at poker the night before) and some other items. During the downtime before my bands were set to play we did some wandering and I ran into my friend Ester (this is a code name to protect my friend’s reputation) and Ester was high as fuck on acid and I wished her luck on her scary sounding journey. Ethan and Ray went to watch Mayday Parade (this is a band’s name for you folks who don’t know) and I went to see my friend Brian’s band Cruel Hand and I took a pile of pictures of him bringing the thunder. The first band on the list of acts I wanted to see was set to play, Reel Big Fish. This was the first ska band I ever liked and they have not changed much since I was 14 (I agree it’s a little weird). They kept it short and sweet so it was all the good shit.

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After the sideburn-sporting time capsules of my youth were done playing a young lady walked passed me and grouped my manhood, looked me dead in the eye and kept walking. This was strange but being an egomaniac and slightly buzzed I took it as a compliment, albeit a fucked up one. After Reel Big Fish and the brief genital handshake New Found Glory was up and they did not disappoint.

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The last time I saw these gents they didn’t bring the heat I was looking for and they more than made up for it today. I told myself that I wouldn’t go anywhere near the stage or the pit due to the heat and my advanced age. Alas they played one of my favorite songs and I made a B-line to the pit then the stage, leaving a wake of weaker concert goers. Oh well! After NFG was done the main event (for me) was about to be unleashed. After having a beer I heard the familiar horns and Less Than (fucking) Jake took the stage and I was on cloud 9. Again I rushed the pit then stage and screamed the words to my favorite songs (at age 32) while Chris and Roger commanded the stage as their adoring fans sang along with them.

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I pushed to the front, some people got mad.

I would say the rest of the Warped Tour wasn’t worth reporting but I left out a large detail, we met one of the fucking founders of Vans shoes, Paul Van Doren! It just so happened I was wearing Van Doren shoes (a style of Vans). Ray and Ethan spotted him next to the Vans tent and we had to meet him. We talked to him for bit and he could not have been nicer. He signed me and Ethan’s shoes and we got a much needed picture with him. He went to shake my hand afterwards and I went straight in for a big hug and thanked him for inspiring my sense of style for the past 15 years. I’ve LOVED Vans ever since the first time I saw Ethan rocking a pair of checkerboard slip-ons (obligatory part of the ska kid uniform). You can’t top meeting a Van’s founder so we hit the road and once I was home I got a pizza and almost ate the whole thing, it was an incredible day.

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The Van man himself!

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I’ll never wash these again. ok, I might.

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Also I bought this dope shirt.

After the warped tour and getting in to school (sorry for mentioning that so much but I’m excited) it’s hard to top things so I won’t. Friday night I watched Deadpool, ate pizza, drank a whole mess of whisky and some other lovely things transpired.

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Saturday we had softball (I think we won?) then me and Shane watched movies, had pool time (which sucked due to children splashing us). Then we headed to Charile’s kitchen to celebrate and I played Queen’s “fat bottom girls” three times in a row on the jukebox (no regrets).

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Then Shane talked me into breaking into a public pool. Disclaimer, Shane mentioned it and I jumped at the chance to commit a small crime. We put on all the black we could and scoped out the area. No cameras were spotted, exits were planned and fences were climbed. Shane and I hopped in the massive pool and started to swim to the opposite end but were stopped in our aquatic tracks when Shane spotted a bunch of cameras on the side of the building. Shane and I jumped out of the pool and Shane was over the fence before I knew it. I stayed in the pool area because I needed to cannonball the fuck out of this big ass fucking pool. I made Shane watch while I climbed to the top of the lifeguard chair and leaped into the pool as a celebration of my life’s impending new chapter and because cannonballs are bad as fuck. As soon as that splash sprayed over the furthest stretches of the pool, I was over the fence and along side Shane to head back into the woods and onto the creepy dark path back to his apartment. Saturday was fun but I was bummed more people didn’t want to hang to celebrate my good news. I also realized that over 100 people wished me well after I got into grad school so I wasn’t too upset. I was happy to have Shane to get weird and wild and to have a physical celebration of the news cemented in our memories.

That about does it for the past week’s shenanigans, good news, Less Than Jake,  crimes committed and uhhhh like other shit. Thanks for reading folks, luckily I kept this post under 4,00 words ( know you’re all relieved). See ya next time!

Keep smiling (even when strangers touch your penis and just walk away like a perverted ghost)

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Wedding summer camp (and more!)

First things first allow me extend my sincerest of apologies for lack of communication. It feels like we haven’t spoken in ages but I’m here to rectify this unacceptable behavior. I am truly ashamed that I haven’t been here to share memories and provide some sunshine to boring days. Ok i’m fucking done with all that nonsense, sorry for the disingenuous apology. Here is a real one, sorry for the radio silence the past month. I have been applying to grad school and all my free writing time has been dedicated to my extensive writing samples and essays. I’m happy to report I’m done with my application and sent it off last night. I also applied to FASFA because college is expensive as fuckkkkkk. I’ll keep you guys updated with everything, fingers crossed that I get in. If I don’t i’ll probably imbibe an irresponsible amount of alcohol, vomit then after some time rebound and become a hobo drifter. I need to ask a favor of my readers, reserve birthday cake wishes, coins in wishing wells, wishbone victories, 4 leaf clovers, rabbits feet, shooting stars, magic lamps and stray eyelashes for me to get into grad school at Emerson, gracias.

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The extensive application process.

Now that we have that taken care of we can recap my past month! Shit that seems like far too much to report. There have been multiple misadventures, trysts, tipsy nights, movies, sports, restless nights, parties, new shoes and cute outfits. I’ll post some pictures as a recap of those moments because writing about all of it might require a lot of pages and we all know how I love to rant. What I would like to recap is my friends Jason and Jacqui getting hitched a couple weeks ago. Most weddings are pretty standard; get dressed, ceremony, food, dancing and you go home at the end. This wedding was pretty unique and made for one of the best experiences of my life. Jason and Jacqui hosted a wedding weekend at a summer camp on an island up in New Hampshire. The island was on Mirror Lake which connects to Lake Winnipesaukee. The island in question is Sandy Island and the only thing on Sandy Island is a family summer camp. I need to clear something up before I recap this glorious weekend, I never went to traditional summer camp. Actually I need to clear that up even further, I never LIKED summer camp. I did day camp at the park near my house when I was a small awkward child with minimal friends. That camp was terrible and they almost “accidentally” left me at the Museum of Science on a field trip. I also attended day camp at St. John’s Prep in Danvers (Mass), this camp was called Camp Christopher. I loathed Camp Christopher, again with minimal friends it wasn’t ideal for shy miniature Matthew. One time I wanted to go home so I faked sick so my big brother would pick me up. The head of the camp proceeded to call me into his office and jokingly put a bag over my head. He claimed it was the penance for leaving early. I’m not sure if he was high on mushrooms or if he thought this was a funny but Val wasn’t stoked. Mama McAskill was very protective of her cubs and once hearing of this incident she got the head of the camp fired. Or he quit? I’m not sure but he was all done after that, fuck with me and my people will fuck you up. The third summer camp experience was actually a good one, hockey camp and UMaine. I went up with two of my buddies but didn’t get to bunk with them. This was my first sleepover type camp and it was a blast. Ice time 3 times a day, conditioning drills and fucking around with friends. I did get kicked out of that camp for knocking out another camper cold. It was an accident, I punched him while he had a helmet on and he smacked his head against the wall. In my defense that was the second to last day of camp! Anyway, camp shit doesn’t come second nature to me because I rejected it so much as a kid. The outdoors is even a project for ya boy but wedding summer camp changed me.

I took that Friday off from work and headed to Groveland to meet my homegirl BB (Brittany) and ride to the boat pick up in New Hampshire. After about an hour of choice music and movie trivia we made it to the pick up spot. We parked and unloaded all our luggage, including my prized custom tailored suit. We arrived the same exact time as one of the strongest party crews I’ve ever known. In this car was Jana, Allie, Jared and Kyle. They dragged out a cooler large enough to fit a dead body but instead of a corpse it was full of beer. They also made a pit stop to purchase matching tie dye shirts, was I jealous? Yes, but I had a great outfit on so it was cool. We all dove into the cooler and started drinking as we waited for the boat. The people started to arrive by the carload, including my little sister Taylor who I neglected to ask how she was getting to the wedding. She’s a damn adult, she can take care of herself. The weather was sunny but breezy, as we waited for the boats we did some prime photo shoots on the dock.

What’s that? a fresh haircut a cute outfit? Yes it is.

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We came to fuck shit up (Kyle, BB and moi)

Finally two boats arrived, one for luggage and one for humans. I refused to leave my backpack of vodka and my thousand dollar suit with the dingy luggage boat so I carried that with me one the nice boat. We packed shoulder to shoulder and somehow managed to fit. After about a fifteen minute boat ride we were at the island, which was lucky because I had to pee so bad I almost jumped in the lake during the ride over. Waiting on Sandy Island was about 70-80% of my favorite people on earth and we headed to our cabins to drop off our shit.

Once we were in the cabins I decided to strategize because I assumed I’d be drinking most of this weekend so while sober I should make my smart moves. I made my bed, unpacked my important stuff and set up a little mini bar area. Once I was prepared we did some cabin mingling with drinks in hand.

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Cousin Jana toasting to a great weekend.

All the cabins around ours were full of our friends so it was like living next door to all the most fun parties in the neighborhood. I was nervous about this trek once it got dark out but I figured I’d cross that bridge when I got there. There was a scheduled softball game at 4, bride side vs groom side. Now I’ve talked a big game about my idiotic softball skills for weeks leading up to this so I was ready for action. Alas I drank a decent amount before the game and didn’t play my A-game. I may have fouled out to catch at one at bat (I did haha). Both teams got their own custom shirts and the teams themselves were jam-packed with players. At one point in the 6th or 7th inning we were tied 14-14 and decided to call it a game. I love competing but I love sportsmanship and fun WAY more and this ending was perfect.

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I’m not smiling because of my poor softball performance.

After the hard fought battle of a tie softball game it was dinner time. BBQ food stretched as far as the eye could see and I had my fair share. BB climbed a tree with Seth and the Groom to be Jason.

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Be careful up there! Geez!

We attempted and failed some long pours of beer from said tree but at least we tried. After the delicious dinner we had some time to kill before our “dance lessons” so we did some cabin hopping making drinks and doing jello shots. After a new outfit change (I brought many) we all headed to the dance hall. The (overly) enthusiastic camp worker taught or attempted to teach us some fancy dance moves. I was partnered up with my cousin John and we were doing awful. I love to dance folks, LOVE it but not when there are rules and people saying “no! like this!” so I bailed with a couple other folks and did some cabin hanging. Night fell and I was now in the spooky woods slightly tipsy and without a crew to protect me from monsters and ghosts. I ran into my homegirl BB and we headed back to the dance hall but to our confused dismay, it was empty. Could this weekend be the slasher movie I thought it might end as?! We ran into a staffer and they said everyone was at the fire. They pointed us to a path in the distance that was barely lit by tiny battery operated tea lights. Deep in the woods (so it seemed) was a distant glow of flames, people dancing around it while chanting. At first we thought it could be some native ritual to ward off evil spirits or inclement weather. It could also be an effigy where one was sacrificed to a hungry god of some type. Once we got to the fire we realized everyone was just singing songs, doing keg stands and making s’mores.

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What a relief! I did some singing, inhaled a couple (of s’mores) and decided I would do my first keg stand. The keg stand alluded me since I didn’t drink in college or attend parties while in college (art school, ya know). I fucked it up a few times then succeeded! Alas it was very foamy and I have a esophageal disorder called Gerd and it keeps me from being able to “chug” liquid, especially carbonated ones. After my keg stand I ridded myself of some minimal stomach contents and got back to sipping beer like a normal human. After the fire we did some more cabin hopping then retired to our respective bunks and went to dream land.

Saturday morning came quick since I suck at sleeping and most of my bunk-mates were up and ready to do some outdoor shit early. During the weekend we had all these scheduled meals which were signified by a bell that Jason (the groom) would ring as loud as he could. After breakfast I decided I needed to jump in the lake to not only conquer nature but to become one with it. I should mention the temperature was on the cool side and I was slightly hungover. Kyle and Eric had been in the water for a while and they talked me into jumping in. I dawned my bathing suit with Superman, Batman and the Flash on it and prepared to take a dip.Kyle informed me that I had to run of the end of the dock and jump right in. After he agreed to complete the task with me I was ready to take the literal plunge. We sprinted down the wooden dock, planks squeaking under our feet as we rushed to the edge and launched ourselves into the air. Before landing in the lake I got to have that brief moment where you hang between two worlds. While in the air you’re no longer bound by the earth, the extremely short time you float in the air, anything feels possible. There is a moment where you even get a glance of your reflection in the water, a mirror image of the person you are about to be and the one you are now. All of that shit is snatched away quickly when you land in the frigid fucking lake. To say the water was cold would be an understatement but it felt fantastic to jump in, then quickly get out. I dried off then hung out by the water while all my friends piled in kayaks and canoes. Derek and myself stayed on the shore and made jokes lampooning our more aquatic friends. After water time I needed to finally shower and clean out the large gash on my knee that I noticed after getting out of the water. Apparently I went to bed with a large scrape on my knee that was covered in dirt. I’m assuming I took a digger while stumbling back to my cabin Friday night. Me Nate and Danielle made our way to the shower cabin and I had a tricky time cleaning my leg and not falling down in the tiny shower area. I did manage to drop my soap and get some strangers hair all over it, bonus. After we cleaned up we did some more cabin hopping and hammock hang time. I had a new snappy wardrobe change and hung out with Derek and Karen on my porch while threatening to stay in my bed and watch Cool Runnings on my ipad then nap until lunch.

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I never got to feel the rhythm or the rhyme but I did get on up to lunch time. After fueling up we had a little party at the ladies bunk. It was getting close to game time so we all separated and got fancy for the ceremony. I went semi-casual and looked like a damn dream. 

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Still got it! Those are hula girls on my shoes.

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Ironically (according to Alanis Morissette) it started to rain right before the wedding ceremony and we had to move from the outdoor location overlooking the lake to the indoor location which also sat near said lake. The ceremony was officiated by our homegirl Allie who was very nervous about doing a great job all day. She sat out of the cabin-hopping and drinking and just studied her binder with the vows and some notes. When game time rolled around the preparation served Allie well and she knocked it out of the park. It was a beautiful ceremony and Jason and Jacqui looked incredible/adorable up there. It was short and sweet (like the bride) and it was time to snap some pics then commence the partying. 

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Stole this pic from the wedding photographer, I’m sure they won’t mind.

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Too cute.

Before we let loose on the dance floor we had dinner and toasts were made of course. My meal was amazing and seemed to go by in a flash because before I knew it I had a beer in hand and was dancing in a circle with my friends. The sun went down and the darkness was illuminated by the sparks flying from everyone’s feet caressing the dance floor. partway through the dance party I noticed someone was missing. I hadn’t seen my buddy Koplove in a while and that had me worried. It was dark, we’ve all had some drinks and all the cabins we’re in the woods. I assembled a search and rescue team of the heroic Jared Mac and my eskimo brother Seth. We headed into the woods in our snappy suits and ran into a god damn deer! We clearly got sidetracked and tried to pet the majestic creature but I think I scared it off. We pressed on to the cabins and noticed one still had a light on. It was Koplove’s cabin of course and we found him fucking sleeping! Apparently he wasn’t feeling well and needed to lay down. We tossed a pep talk his way (after waking his ass up of course), he was hesitant at first then rallied. He tossed his jacket back on and we marched as a foursome through the woods to return our friend to the open arms of a room full of dancing people dripping with sweat (my kind of party).

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Fucking MAGIC!

The night rolled on, songs played, conga lines were formed, dance-offs were executed (Chris won, sorry Allie), and drinks were had. I had a few choice dances with a beautiful redhead named Amanda but we were from far too different worlds and we never met again sadly. Life is fleeting but sometimes we can live in just a moment and ummm yea, I don’t know. After the music was done we all lined up on the dock (the very same dock I ran off of with Kyle and took my morning dip). They handed us huge sparklers and lit them. The happy couple then strutted down the dock, bathed in the magical flickering light of the tiny fireworks. It was like a fucking Disney movie! After that we all did some cabin partying of course. I threatened to skinny dip but didn’t do it because being drunk, naked and in the dark water seemed too dangerous. The majestic redhead actually came by and we had an in depth conversation about my road trip then she left again (this time for good, forgetting to get my number sadly). The night winded down and I did that thing I always do at weddings and that’s trying to stay up the latest. This time it bit me in the ass because that made finding my cabin alone next to impossible. Luckily I found it (not sure how) and snuggled into my freezing cold bed.

Morning came quick and breakfast was had by all. After we ate I found I needed a little hair of the dog and drank a beer with Nate while soaking in the lake’s impossibly beautiful views.

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We were all hanging out outside of the dining hall and that deer came back, this time far more friendly. All the girls were taking turns feeding it out of their hands (like a I said, a fucking Disney movie), it was insane.

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This is actually insane, how is this real?

After the meeting with the friendly wildlife we headed to the cabins to pack. A few of us agreed to take the noon (the last) boat so we could hang on the island longer. Brittany and I explored the island and realized getting lost could happen too easily so we turned back. As we got back to the cabins we noticed they were all empty. Apparently everyone took the 11am boat and left us to die in the damn woods. Brittany and I hung out on the dock listening to Paul Simon’s “you can call me Al” on repeat and reflected on the weekend. Finally the boat came and we headed home.

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Bye Sandy Island.

The weekend was god damn incredible, wedding summer camp with your friends is pretty perfect. The outside world didn’t have to exist on that island and I kind of liked it better that way. Alas they had no movie theater and the booze would have run out at some point so we had to leave. Cheers to the newlyweds! By the time it took me to post this they would have married for about a month. I was recently criticized about my blog and it made me less excited to write it. Perhaps I misinterpreted the criticism but fuck it, can’t keep old Matty McFly down so I’m back to fill your boring days.

Quick photo sum up of the time we’ve been apart! Enjoy!

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Drive in movie with E and Ray! also this movie sucked but we made S’mores and I drank many beers.

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This was a really REALLY great night, mind ya business.

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This book was fucking amazing.

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Doug Loves Movies live podcast! Amazing time/weird night. Mind ya business!

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Had to say good-bye to my best friend since 4th grade, this caramel prince (Sarad) moved to Denver. Miss you buddy!

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Cancer Walk!!

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First night of summer I jumped in the ocean and it was NOT warm.

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Donated some blood but the Karma didn’t last. Mind ya business!

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Baby Andrew turned 1 and he might have hated my gifts.

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He isn’t impressed.

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This feels too natural.

 

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Ferris Buller’s day off at Fenway!

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This is me. Don’t question it.

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America had a birthday, I’m not patriotic but I do love BBQs and fireworks.

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My people came out on this day of days! Scotland forever.

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Chip loves to grill.

 

Me and Shane won at the America/drinking olympiad, Beer pong AND Kan Jam (I’m putting that on my resume now).

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I made shane watch The Sandlot on the 4th because it’s so American.

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and the best part of the holiday!

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The Muppet Movie at the Rose Park Greenway in Boston!

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I made this to make Gilbert (one of my bosses) laugh.

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And today I had a massive fuck up and damaged company property. I thought the ceiling was higher than it was and this happened. I’m extremely embarrassed and it’s very possible I’ll get fired for this. This is my first large-scale fuck up since starting this job 6 years ago and I’m pretty bummed. Cross your fingers that I can keep my job folks.

Great to be back to bloggin’!

Keep smiling (even when you took 2 months off from writing and might get fired tomorrow).