Val Kilmer and Ms. Piggy

My old creative writing teacher (in high school) Mr. Ryan always taught me that you must hook your reader in with the first sentence. In this case I think the title should do the fucking trick. One of the worst Batmans and the most cloying muppet on the roster. Cloying means sappy or corny, I could have wrote corny (or hammy, PUN) but then you wouldn’t know how much I like to show off my vocabulary. Here is a rule of thumb from your boy Matthew, If someone tells me their favorite muppet is Ms. Piggy they are a shitty person or an unhinged predator. Perhaps cloying was the wrong word, solipsistic is more fitting. Solipsism is the concept that self is all that can be known to exist. Yes this is the same Matt McAskill who wears a jacket that houses a pin describing his (mine) oral sex enthusiasm and an MC Hammer trading card. Remember when I told you my family members read this blog? haha Heyyyy folks, this is me. My point being is you can be the darkness and the light, one does not always have to choose. I like to think of myself as a deep thinker, someone who is always looking inward. I also like to shut off my brain, get drunk at a strip club and blow my paycheck on superfluous and fleeting bullshit. I struggle with this on a daily basis but it’s fun to toe that line. Perhaps it’s my refusal to commit to one thing but if I knew exactly what I wanted all the time, would this shit be interesting to read. All that being said, I hate Ms. Piggy but I do a spot on impression of her.Next time you see me just ask me

Were did I last leave you wonderful jerks? Last Thursday while we mourned the loss of Prince? What a god damn shame right? Now we no longer have the king of pop, Freddie Mercury, David Bowie AND Prince?! What legends are still alive? If you mention any shit-bag hair rock band, I will choke you with my bare hands. We still have Elton John and a long line of modern legends but the old guard is stepping to another realm. RIP folks, start a dope band from the other side and release your album via psychics or withes or some other shit, ball is in your court.

FRIDAY! Alright maybe all caps and an exclamation point was too much to describe what I did on Friday. Alas I’m a dramatic person, which is probably why you read my blog dickheads (sorry baby, you know I love you). Friday was actually worthy of all caps and 300 exclamation points because it was my best friend Ethan’s Birthday. Although Ethan hates his birthday so we never make too big a deal of it. This year E’s birthday landed on a night where The Battle Theater was showing a movie we both love, Real Genius. Real Genius is one of Val’s (Kilmer) first starring roles ad he’s playing a Dr. Peter Venkman-esque (Bill Murray in Ghostbusters) character. He’s the smartest one in the room but decides being silly trumps flexing one’s intelligence. The Brattle had a great 35MM print of the film which helped distract from the fact that I was in a chair that was set too high where I couldn’t touch my feet to the ground.

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Drawbacks of being vertically challenged is some chairs remind you of your lack of height. BUT one of the pluses of being short is developing a stellar personality at a young age which somehow gives you an upper hand with ladies in most situations as you get older. After the movie Ethan and myself were both beat and decided to call it a night. Wait! I almost forgot Ethan’s lady was with us. It’s not my place to broadcast someone else’s business but Ethan’s companion is a great dame and I adore having her on the team. She had never seen Real Genius and got a kick of me and E whispering goofy jokes to one another during the 80’s classic.

Saturday was pretty bullshit so we won’t dwell too long. I played my customary poker tournament and was card dead as fuck. I only lasted a couple hours but sometimes shit happens in the game of poker. Afterwards I  scrambled to make worthy plans for the night but scrapped that to get pizza and watch Broad City. I fully endorse my decision and have zero regrets. Where did i get my pizza? Little fucking Italy, AKA the best god damn pizza in the land!

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Sunday was a pretty eventful day and I had a bast. I slept like shit but that’s pretty normal for me. Sunday I got my shit together and headed into the city to meet my bocce ball team for our first league meet and greet. What?! Matt! Did you join a Bocce ball brunch league?! Yes. I think I already mentioned this to you guys. Myself, Shane, Jason and Durkin showed The Sinclair we were the team to beat while I shouted nonsense in an attempt to get laughs. (it worked for the most part).

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After we chucked balls across strategically placed AstroTurf  we got some brunch. Due to some mysterious brunch reservations we were confined to the bar area for our meal. Luckily our bartender had great hair and looked like the type of guy girl’s leave me for. Props bartender you magnificent rouge. We split some delicious doughnuts as appetizers. After those spherical delights I got myself some Breakfast tacos/beers.

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Taking pictures of one’s food is an asshole movie but we live in asshole times soooo yea.

Since my credit card was still compromised Shane was kind enough to be my sugar daddy and pay for my meal. After breakfast we played more Bocce ball at the park with Keegan then went back to Shane’s to watch basketball which I promptly slept through. After all that I went to meet up with Summer for our date. We did my favorite thing, watched Rounders (my number one favorite movie) ate pizza and talked about life. I can’t remember if nudity came into play (it did) but I can say I had a wonderful time with Summer and always look forward to seeing her.

Monday was the return to one of my favorite activities, softball! I played baseball growing up and always adored the sport. When I got older and stopped giving a fuck who won or lost I started playing softball. It’s really fun and sometimes I’m good at it (so far this year I’m shaking off the cobwebs). We won the game and I looked great in the inform. Other than that I didn’t do too much spectacular in the game but the hours before the game were interesting. I had to visit the bank like an asshole due to the debit card fraudulence and I ran into an old crush. The girl I was in love with throughout high school works at the bank I happen to have all my money hanging out in. I hardly ever get nervous around ladies anymore but this woman cut me down to my high school self. I did my best to be “cool Matt” but the nervous dork kept trying to jump out and scream “you’re beautiful and I want to kiss you until one of us chips a tooth!” on a scale of 1-10 on the keeping-it-cool scale I’d say I clocked in at a 6 tops. It’s funny how some people have that effect on you even when you’re a god damn adult. I made her laugh and blush once or twice but still wanted to run back to my car and call Ethan to explain how much of a spazz I was. Let’s move past this because I’m blushing a little bit and that’s not what I was aiming to do while writing this shit! That was my Monday! I also got some delicious Bill and Bob’s roast beef after softball to cap off a strange day. 

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This looks gross but is delicious in every decadent way.

Tuesday nothing insane happened other than me watching Con Air with a friend then getting burritos from the new (ish) Mexican joint in my home town of Beverly. It’s worth noting that I enjoyed a glass bottle of Coke with my Burrito. Only a handful of people know what a glass bottle of coke means to me but hey, talking in code is fun.

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Wednesday sucked at work but luckily we had more softball! Oh yea we lost but we played a team sponsored by the glorious Golden Banana strip club. This isn’t the first or last time the Golden Banana (reminder this is a top notch local strip club) has gotten the best of me! Oh well, more than worth it. I hoped they would have employees of the club on their sidelines but that didn’t happen. BUT they did fight harder than us and ummmm I forgot what I was saying but I sure do love the Golden Banana. That brings us to the present kids! You should be stoked how short I kept my blogging nonsense this week! I was talking to a friend recently about using my blog as a job application and they called it “too raw” which made me extremely happy, that means you folks are getting the real me! (assuming you give a flying fuck). Anyway! Thanks for reading! Until next time!

Keep smiling (even if your only quality impression is Ms. Piggy)

For said impression take a look at my Instagram or Facebook.

 

and guess what! That’s right, I bought my own domain with the help of my love/best pal Mallorie! New blog on the way, hope you like it! Just sit tight folks!

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Fenway, the 80’s and sub par strip clubs

What an eye-catching title! If I weren’t the one writing this blog I wouldn’t be able to pass clicking on such an alluring piece of writing. Yes I’ve been lazy/busy again but I promise to cut out the fat and just give you the goods this week. Writing how boring work is or how the gym went isn’t too exciting so fuck all that shit. Also disclaimer, I’m writing part of this at work, home and my lunch break so apologies for any straying of subject matter. I’m just kidding, I’m not sorry and all I do is stray so just buckle up.

Where did I last leave you? Last Friday?! My stars time does fly when you’re living with your parents in your 30’s. That’s a saying right? Last Friday was pretty damn fun actually so let’s get in the time machine. This time machine only can go back a week so it doesn’t have all the bells and whistles of the DeLorean. Our time machine is more like a used 2007 Jetta Wolfsburg with 150 thousand miles on it and half an 18 pack of Miller High Life in the backseat that I forgot was there. Cranked up to 88MPH while texting and let’s go back, back to Friday. Friday I was “hired” to deal a charity poker tournament for my buddy KJ. A close friend of his family passed away and every year they have this huge charity event and raise a pile of money in their loved one’s honor. I almost feel guilty being paid to be involved but hey, a brother has to make a buck.

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The tournament went smoothly, minus the terrible music being played in the room (I heard Nickleback twice). The players were really cool and kept buying me beers but after a couple I had to decline. I was driving and as much as old Matty digs the poison he (me) doesn’t care to mix drinking and driving. Stay safe folks! After the tourney KJ dealt some blackjack, I hung around and ate pizza until the event wrapped up. Around 11pm myself, KJ, KJ’s very hot ex girlfriend and now good friend Ashley (well done KJ), some of her very cute friends and a fun bunch of guys all headed to Kowloon for a post event drink.

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Kowloon is a local spot on route 1 (if you’re not from my neck of the woods), it’s a huge Chinese food restaurant that people love going to and I honestly don’t get it. The food there is pretty lousy and the bar is swarmed with douche bags. Alas I was up for an adventure. At first it was really awkward because I only knew KJ and he knew everyone so he was mingling and I was staring at my Instagram feed while nursing a bud light. Eventually shy Matt gave way to game show host Matt and I got friendly with the new group. I got a very nice compliment from my new buddy Jeremy on the strength of my beard (real recognize real). I had a quick discussion with Mary Anne (possibly Lee Anne?) about the vibrators, she was impressed and befuddled by my (albeit minimal) knowledge of the different kinds. Cards on the table, we all know I dabble in pushing limits but my personal massage tool expertise only comes from listening to girls talk and porn. Thanks again porn! You’re always there for me. Lee/Mary/not sure-Anne was a fun cute brunette so I figured flirting with her would keep the night entertaining. We somehow got on the topic of oral sex and I displayed my vast expertise and intimate knowledge, which seemed to brighten her night. Alas I lost her interest when a handsome chocolate charmer came into the picture. I forget his name but he was chill as hell and I was happy to concede. After Kowloon we agreed to assemble a worthy squad and go to The Squire. The Squire is a gentleman’s (word used very loosely) club in Revere. My first strip club choice is always the Golden Banana because I like the layout, the Friday cast is top notch and my friend K works (dances) Fridays and I enjoy her company and seeing her naked. The horribly designed parking lot was full so we had to park down the street. Also the whole back premises (where we parked) was fenced in. We could either A. walk all the way around the block or B. crawl through a hole in the fence that lead to dumpster behind the seedy strip club. We clearly chose B and I was happy to be a member of a group who would make decisions like this. After me making handjob by the dumpster jokes we filed into the boob shack. I took a picture of the sign and KJ remarked “do you want me to take a picture of you in front of the sign for your blog” what a god damn wise ass! But good burn KJ. I declined then emptied my pockets for the metal detector.

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notice I am not in this picture.

In this moment is where I became buddies with the charming chocolate man who won the attention of Lee/Mary/? Anne. We bonded over random and out of context movie quotes and also boobs. The set up for this strip club is awful but after scouting it out we got a nice seat. We watched the “talent” while waiting for one we felt worthy of the pile of ones I got at the bar. KJ and I agreed on one and headed to perv row (the stage seating area). I made my patented dollar bill house and garnered the attention of said dancer. I made my typical strip club jokes to her and she laughed so hard she struggled to get her underwear off and almost put a heel in my eye socket. That might have sucked but would have made a good story. I said some other shit to her but I believe a language barrier went up because I think she was Brazilian and my Portuguese is rusty. Fuck! I knew this blog would be way too long, screw it. After singing to Rihanna’s “Work” and some 90’s R&B, last call rolled around and we were booted out. Ashley drove us back to our cars but not before making a pit stop at Bill and Bobs. As I’ve said before the roast beef sandwich is a North Shore staple and always caps off a fun night.

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Saturday I played in the same poker tournament I won the week before but came  up short this time around. I was completely card dead (bad hands) the whole day but managed to hang in there. I was eventually bounced out in 15th place (no money) but I was happy with the way I played. One of my best friends on the planet Mallorie was in town form NYC so the early tournament exit allowed me to see her (silver lining). I picked her up in the city of sin (Lynn) and we made our way into Boston. Mal is my best pal and my number one movie partner. I hate seeing movies with most of the humans on this planet but Mal is number one with a bullet.

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We caught the Coolidge Corner Theater (my home) midnight showing of “Death Becomes Her” a sci-fi comedy starring Goldie Hawn, Bruce Willis and Meryl Streep which was Directed by Robert Zemeckis after the Back to the Future trilogy. It was a great 35mm print but I recalled the movie being more funny, oh well. I brought Mal home as she gave me career advice (which helped) then called it a night.

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Sunday I slept in (much needed) then got the call from Shane for some bocce ball. It was a beautiful day so I was excited about an outdoor hang. I tried on a few outfits to correctly fit the occasion and landed on Hawaiian shirt and flamingo patterned Vans. I scooped up Keegan and met up at Shane’s place where he had two cases of Bud Light Limes ready to rock. We filled the coolers, had a couple of drinks while waiting for crab ass Jason to show up. Once he stumbled in we rolled to the bocce courts.

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Check the shoes folks.

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Best shirt you’ve ever seen right?

Balls were tossed, rolled, chucked and punched (Shane ball-tagged my testicles and it hurt but be bought the beer so I made no complaints). After playing a few hours some of our lady friends showed up to test their skills, we all got bored and went to grab food. We landed at the best BBQ spot in the Boston area (my opinion) Blue Ribbon BBQ. I got a pile of brisket, chicken, beans, rice and corn bread.

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We went back to Shane’s apartment and watched the end of Con Air on the giant screen TV in his lounge area. After Nick Cage saves the day and the credits rolled I mad my way north. John and Jecka had a couple people over playing drinking games and I figured I’d make an appearance. My afternoon buzz was gone since I ate all the food in the world so driving was still safe. We played some goofy combination of flip cup and beer pong that I had never seen. We ran out of beer and switched to wine (not as fun for casual drinking games). After that game was done we played some Secret Werewolves. I actually think this game is called One Night Werewolves but I like Secret Werewolves more, it’s more provocative. We played for about an hour and I sucked as usual but had a good time. Headed home so I could attempt to get some sleep since I had to be up at 6am.

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How did he know!?

Monday nothing special happened. After work and the gym (the boring shit) I met up with my friend Harley. I hadn’t seen her since Halloween and decided to stop flaking on her and actually hang out. She made me a fairly gross (sorry Harley) cocktail using root beer flavored whisky (horrible invention). Her cocktail was root beer flavored whisky mixed with actual root beer. I’m not one to complain about a free cocktail made by a sweet woman but this one missed the mark (sorry Harley). We shot the shit about life and played sitcom drinking games. For instance when there is a flashback you take a sip, or when exaggerated physical comedy is used you take a sip. Harley also had two gifts for me that she had ready before I moved west. Luckily that was short-lived because I love presents. She made me these awesome coasters with pages from comic books on the top. My own custom Superman coasters for my cocktail glasses. They are dope as hell and I was touched at such a thoughtful gift. It was getting late and I got my presents so I headed home. On the way I got some angry texts from a jealous boyfriend who had hijacked his (apparent) girlfriend’s phone. I fielded the text with a “new phone, who dis” response. Good one Matt! Anyway, long story short I need a new place to get my haircut. Meh, on second thought I don’t, they treat me right at that shop (I will not name that shop due to alleged entanglements with the staff).

Tuesday I was overtired and didn’t want to be at work at 7am. I’m running the receiving dock this week since my boss is out. I’ve been getting up at 6am all week and going to bed around 2am. Not the smartest but fuck it, I’ll live. On the way into work I heard the distinct sound of a turkey gobbling. Am I somehow stoned without smoking pot? Nope (unfortunately). I turned around and saw a wild turkey walking towards me. Then two more emerged from the wooded area near the parking lot and followed. These assholes looked like they weren’t fucking around. I went inside and they walked up to a tree right next to the gate and started eating berries. I decided to go outside and make turkey noises to see what would happen. They all begrudgingly strolled away. I guess I dodged a bullet, they could have pecked my eyes out!

Look at these monsters!

Anyway, the 80’s classic Weird Science (John Hughes) was playing at the Brattle Theater at 9:30 and I was campaigning for a date most of the day. No takers so after work (and an overdue nap) I drove into Cambridge and went to the movie solo. I hadn’t seen Weird Science since I was a kid and I’m happy to report the movie holds the fuck up. The jokes all hit, Anthony Michael Hall might deserve a retroactive Oscar nomination for his role as Gary Wallace.

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Gary and his best fried Wyatt decide to make their own woman. Through some 80’s computer nonsense and a Frankenstein-esque set up (with a doll not a cobbled together dead body, gross) lightning strikes and boom, we have Lisa. Lisa played by the sexpot Kelly Lebrock is the supposed sex slave/play thing for the boys. The boys are too shy to make a move and Lisa teaches them to be men. Spoiler, adult Kelly Lebrock does not fuck these high school boys so relax. Weird Science even features a young Robery Downey Jr (Ironman himself!) as the bully (one of two) to our heroes Gary and Wyatt.

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My good god.

After the movie I grabbed a drink at The Sinclair, a very underrated bar down the street from The Brattle. Headed home around 12am and another night of minimal sleep was to be had.

Wednesday was a normal day and I was excited to lay low after work and not go to bed past 1am alas fate wanted the opposite. My friend Brittany had an extra ticket to the Rex Sox game and I’m never one to turn down a (free) trip to Fenway. I went to the gym after working 11 hours and halfway through changing I realized that I had in fact forgotten my running shorts. It was slightly embarrassing to walk back out of the gym after only being there 4 minutes. I went home and got ready for the game. Britt picked me up which meant I wasn’t driving and could drink as many overpriced beers at the game as I damn pleased. I was overjoyed to return to the cathedral of Boston after my very brief departure from the city.

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My happy place.

 

Our seats were in right field but after some little kid wielding ice cream sat next to me I was primed to move. I wanted to swear and drink without a miniature human on my armrest. I nominated the best kept secret at Fenway, the Coke deck ( I like to call it the
Pusha deck). We enjoyed the Sox victory up there while I had my first Fenway Frank of the year.

After the game we headed to the car then back to the north shore. Quick pit stop at Boarder Cafe for a margarita (I got a strawberry one). I also eat enough tortilla chips to kill a smaller human and dipped a few in my margarita for fun/it was delicious. Called it a night and just about made it to bed before the clock struck 1am.

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Thursday (happy birthday Kerri!) was pretty shitty actually. Work was a massive pain in the ass, my credit card number was stolen and PRINCE FUCKING DIED! The musical genius, the master behind some of the best songs in history. The credit card thing sucks but I guess I’ll be rolling with cash the next week or so, come and get it muggers. It was real sad to see Mr. little red corvette pass on but as he once said “Life is just a party and parties weren’t meant to last” rest in power you glorious bastard.

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Take a lesson from Price folks; no matter how weird you thought he was, he was always himself, PRINCE! Always do you baby. Thursday night I was offered a home cooked meal by my friend Brittany (not the red sox game one, shit is confusing I know). After Brittany decided she under-cooked the salmon she tossed it in the garbage and we just ate sides. It was pretty funny and I had beer to fill me up so I didn’t mind. We watched some wrestling and I was lost as hell, Brittany’s dog finally stopped biting me and we became best pals.

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After Smack down (wrestling show on Thursdays I guess) I made some side boob jokes that Britt rolled her eyes at then I saw myself out the door and headed home. Tomorrow (technically today) is my best friend Ethan’s birthday and we are planning on seeing Real Genius at the Brattle, which should be fun. Ok good! I kept this under 3,000 words, good for me. Thanks for reading folks!

Keep Smiling (even when the elevator is trying to break you down)

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RIP

 

Sweating in the suburbs

Alright, I’ll keep this one short since the last two were like homework level long (sorry but they were damn good!). I know you folks read on lunch breaks, the toilet, bored at work, while waiting for your food to be cooked, in between lovemaking sessions (props to you) and whatnot. Due to my life in the suburbs this week has been less than exciting for my taste but I still gambled, ended up naked with company and burned some serious calories (on the treadmill, not like marathon banging, sorry). I honestly need to find a better place to write because I’m currently doubled over a coffee table and It hurts like a bastard (could use a rubdown, any takers?). These are the pitfalls of owning nothing but a car and some very snappy clothes. Have you seen my Hawaiian shirts? They are gorgeous and I don’t wear them ironically like some asshole hipster. This is something I need to clear up, I’m NOT  a fucking hipster. I know the tattoos, beard, silly taste in pop culture and snide comments make it seem that way but I’m far from it. I don’t like shit ironically, I just like shit no matter how it makes me look. For example I love the soundtrack to the movie Dreamgirls. I’m not saying that to seem funny, it’s a beautiful musical/movie and Eddie Murphy should have won the Oscar. My friend James’ boyfriend once said I was gayer than him for liking that movie/soundtrack which I took as a compliment (what up boys). My point is, I don’t like things based on how someone will perceive it, I like what I like. I would be more self-conscious of people’s opinions but I’m good looking, (kinda) smart and get laid enough to not worry about it. The point is, don’t do shit because it makes you look cool. I’ll give you a life hack about being “cool” just be comfortable with who you are and carry yourself as such. Speak from your heart and don’t pull any punches and look potential mates in the eye (also repeat their name back to them, makes everyone feel special). Now let’s talk about my week in the suburbs of the best little big city on Earth (Boston).

Monday nothing special happened (this is a recurring theme this week so this post might stay short). Work was pretty easy but still feels good to be earning a paycheck again. My job isn’t complicated and any biped with a pulse and a tiny bit of muscle could do it. I don’t claim to have a career but I like my job funny enough. I have a cool boss (shout out Carl and Gilbert), my coworkers are pretty chill, it’s a decent workout and I get to be a dick to random delivery men. Monday was opening day at Fenway Park and since the Bruins are done, I switched gears to the Red Sox. I used to always take this day off from work to either A.) go to the game with Ethan or B.) watch the game with Ethan at our apartment, eat hot dogs and peanuts while throwing the shells on the floor and chugging cheap beers. One year (about 3 years ago) me and E (that’s what I call Ethan) went to the game and I wore shorts like a total asshole (naturally) and it was cold as all fuck. After about 5 overpriced beers we bought some sports bars (pronounced sports baaaahhhsss) which are just Neapolitan ice cream bars. I was bored and buzzed so I dipped the sports bar in my beer then ate it. The fuckboy (idiomatic term for a whack dude) sitting in front of us freaked out and made me do it again so his girlfriend (who was too pretty for him FYI) could see. She laughed and Ethan rolled his eyes at the dopey pair while also enjoying the community feeling of Fenway. This year I had to work and Axcelis was cool enough to project the game in the cafeteria and give out free popcorn and peanuts (nice job Torrey/FAB team!). I watched a couple of innings and realized I needed to actually work so I left (with my peanuts).

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After work I hit the gym to keep with operation be less fat/beach body Matt. Actually looking back I did something in-between work at the gym. What was it? Ohhh now I remember, I had a post work tryst with someone whom I share many interests and am very attracted to, let’s call her Lydia.Lydia lives with her ex so our rendezvous had to be covert and quick (my specialty).

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Oh I can’t wait to hear the backlash of random people scolding me for being sexually open in a public forum. Lydia you are wonderful by the way and that isn’t a slight against past, current or future mates. More than one person can be great and share palpable chemistry (as long as it’s mutual).  After Lydia and I had our fun I went to the gym to work on this beach body. I ran 2.5 miles then rested, ran a little more, rested and ended up doing 5 miles. I got a good sweat on and felt like I accomplished a little something.

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I am WET.

I ate a tad too late and was tossing and turning all night thinking about the future and random perverted sex dreams (ohhhh this happens far too much for a man in his 30’s).

Tuesday at work was standard but my two favorite podcasts come out on Tuesdays so I always look forward to it, “We Hate Movies” and my top dog “Get Up On This” (shout out Jensen and Matty Boom, fuck your dreams). After work I noticed my new fly(knit) as fuck running shoes came in the mail. I tried them on and was ecstatic to put these beautiful fuckers to work (operation get Matt less fat). I hit the gym hard, ran 3.5 miles non-stop (getting easier). Tuesday night programming lead to my running enthusiasm since “New Girl” and “Brooklyn 99” are on. Also I watched “Grandfathered” with John Stamos and kinda liked it! I ended up running just under 6 miles and burning 910 calories like an anorexic adolescent (too fucked up?) and it felt great. Sweaty selfies, stretched, went home, showered and wanted to crash but had to do some writing.

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New kicks ready to go.

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gross ass screen but good progress.

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Headbands are making a comeback soooooo yea.

I stayed up really late writing a review for the fantastic film “Midnight Special”, stay tuned for that one. Wanna know what I did Sunday night after I put the finishing touches on my last blog? I stayed up till 3AM writing a 5-page review of “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” for a website I used to write for (thoughtpollution.com) yea my nerd status isn’t something to question. Alas the word “nerd” is played out so let’s say geek or dork.

Wednesday work was pretty busy but we hammered it out like champs as I listened to podcasts and the same 4 songs (one was “work” by Rihanna) on repeat while waiting for 4:30. This is my day off from the gym and writing so I headed up to Hampton Falls to play some poker. I drove up and registered for the $70 5:30 tourney which after taking my seat I realized only drew a whopping 14 players (maybe 15). I built my stack pretty strong (quickly) then got in a massive pot with top set (3 of a kind) of Jacks and lost to a combo draw (flush and straight). My opponent played the hand really poorly but still got there but that’s part of the game so it’s cool (he was a really nice guy so I wasn’t too mad). I never really bounced back so I was short stacked (minimal chips). After verbally berating an elderly player for carrying a photograph of himself during his youth (not a picture on his phone but an actual photo) I was bounced out of the tournament and sent home. I hope I’m never un-self-aware to the point where I’m showing off pics of my youth or telling horribly outdated stories to people who don’t give a flying fuck (only recent stories haha).  The coolest part of the night was a random dealer looking at my jacket (the treasure coat) and saying “is that THE Elvira pin?” I said “yes, that’s Elvira” and he responded “your kind of girl?” I was puzzled at first then he snapped back “I read your blog.” I was stoked as fuck to have a random reader. Granted he has been my dealer before (fantastic dealer by the way and those are few and far between). He knew my infamous cousin Kyle and had found my blog through him, but it was still really flattering (shout out Jay! thanks for reading and also having the same last name as my ex girlfriend).

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THE pin.

After the tourney I went home to catch up on my sitcom grind (New Girl sucks this season but that rant is far too long to get into).

Thursday (That’s today!) work was pretty busy but we handled the scandal so the day went pretty smoothly. There was still about an hour of boredom before worked kicked in where I shopped online and bought some shirts and very dope Vans.

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Ladies bringing the super(hero) heat.

Summer kicks (yea, I still say kicks).

Straight from work I went to the gym, bought a lock like a real gym person AND changed in the men’s locker room. I’m not a fan of this move but I guess if my dick is only out for .002 seconds it’s OK. Some dudes love to hang out with their wang’s out in that room. I don’t get it but to each their own. I only keep my dick open to the elements when I’m either A.) alone and feeling frisky or B.) not alone and feeling frisky. I forgot my water, and the TV on the treadmill didn’t work but I still managed to lift the bar today. I ran 4.5 miles nonstop, rested, ran, rested and ended up doing 6 miles and burning over 1,000 calories.

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Benny loves my jams.

After stretching it out in the corner (while being thrown shade by two ugly people in the corner with me) I got a protein smoothie. Yes folks, I was feeling the health and wellness! Banana split protein smoothie for this young chubby man and it was fucking DELICIOUS! After the smoothie I had a healthy dinner, showered then got deep in the Netflix grind. Around 10PM my ex girlfriend picked me up to go get a drink. Let’s call her Lilly. We had a few drinks and I made snide comments about her current boyfriend while catching up with her life and angling for a 3 way with her and her hot friend (no traction there as you may suspect).

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artsy beer picture.

In all honesty it was great to see Lilly because she’s a great woman and I’ve made some of the best memories of my life with her so I always want what’s best for her (even if it’s not me and that’s the painful thing about love).

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Made this incredible memory with my Lily. Also I can drink AND swim, skillzzzzz.

After a few drinks Lilly brought me home so I could write about my week to my lovable and loyal readers. Right now it’s about 3am and I need to be at work in 5 hours but this means more to me so I press on for the good of the people! Man gym selfies, talking about romantic encounters AND I write a fucking blog? That sounds pretty god damn douchy but I think I do it with the slightest charm and self awareness that it works (I hope). That just about catches us up folks, thanks for reading!

Keep Smiling (even when your ex won’t give you any sugar no matter how charming you are because she knows all your moves/”tricks”)

 

 

Work work work work work work (Rihanna voice)

I feel like a dick lately because I’m only posting once a week but I wasn’t prepared to make this blog a part time (unpaid) job. I got shit to do motherfuckers! I do have a great time writing this shit though so I’ll work in churning out more content. I can’t post everyday because interesting stuff doesn’t happen every day of my life (I know that may come as a shock). One of my favorite comedians, Pete Holmes once said “you got to live a life worth commenting on” which is true. I have to go out and do the stuff you fine folks enjoy hearing about. It’s a daunting task to venture out and get into misadventures, meet new people (attempt to see some of them naked) and report it back to you! Challenge accepted, I promise I’ll always test my limits and go outside my comfort zone so you guys can kill some time on a boring work day by reading my stories (I’m feeling sassy today, deal with it!).

Monday was my first day back to work work work work work work (Rihanna voice). In addition to returning to the work force after a one month hiatus, I’ve also been listening to Rihanna’s song “Work” on repeat about 15 times a day. At first I hated the song and thought it was gibberish, then after a few more listens it has become the only thing I want to hear. I urge you to go listen to it, but maybe watch the video too because Rihanna does cool stuff with her butt (two thumbs up).

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Drake appreciating Rihanna’s butt.

The first day of work was pretty easy, despite having to run the department my first day back since my supervisor had to call out. I jumped back into the fire and everything went pretty smoothly. I got a bunch of “welcome Home” greetings, some puzzled looks and me explaining the decision with various analogies. My new goto analogy is this; it’s like I put on a running shoe and it didn’t fit me at all, pinched my foot and was painful to walk in. I didn’t keep the shoe on and decide to run a 5K, I took it off and went back to the shelf. For those of you who have read the blog know i’ve used the kissing someone you like and not having any sparks analogy (another brilliant one, I am great at describing shit using analogies. Take that Kyle!).  Kyle is my cousin and thinks I suck at analogies, I’ve said that word way too many times so i’ll be done now. Anyway, some of my coworkers were stoked to have such an interesting, handsome, funny, entertaining hard worker back at Axcelis but some did NOT. A few of my coworkers threw old Matty McFly some shade. For those of you over the age of 30, throwing shade is someone who is giving you dirty looks. I believe in the 80’s it was called icing someone (which means something way different now). I couldn’t figure out why some people I’d been so friendly with for so long would give my handsome face dirty looks. Maybe they thought my beard had grown out of control and reckless. Obviously that is wrong, my beard is glorious and the definition of manliness. To be honest it’s itchy and I kind of want to shave it but it women love it sooooooo I keeps it on my face to keep girls on the same place (think about it).

I’m assuming my coworkers were annoyed at the timing of my return. It’s really slow at work right now and they’ve been doing layoffs. I’m going to guess their train of thought is this; Matt can just leave and comeback, get the same job back he quit and we’re getting laid off? Yes. Plain and simple. My position was never filled and a temp was doing my job and doing it poorly. Sadly he got laid off and I took my post back. That may have rubbed some people the wrong way but fuck them. I’ve worked there 6 years and work 20-40 of hours of overtime every week so blow me. Not literally, I find most of you unattractive and unworthy of my genitalia. Except one but I don’t think I’m her type sadly. Or I think she lives with her significant other? I’m not sure but oral is probably out of the question right? Can’t be sure, I’m gonna work on it. I received a bit of backlash from females in my life by my last blog and mentioning a hypothetical blowjob from a potentially hypothetical attractive coworker will piss some people off. I’m not going to censor how I talk (write). Wait, was that sexual harassment? I’m not posting the blog at work so I guess it’s not. I hope it’s not! Ummm that aforementioned person does NOT exist. Moving on, it’s good to be back at work minus the fact I only got 3 hours of sleep the night before. Hey Matt, why didn’t you get yourself a good nights rest before returning to your job where you regularly operate heavy machinery. I was writing a blog for you! You ungrateful bastards! This is free of charge and has no pop ups or annoying advertising (drink RedBull, it gives you wings) so I don’t want to hear any complaints. After a pretty easy work day I went home to take a little nap. That nap quickly spun out of control and one hour turned into almost four. Did the nap fuck up my ability to fall asleep Monday night? Not at all. Kidding, it was next to impossible to pass out.

Tuesday was fairly uneventful for the most part. I signed up for a new gym so I can drop 20 pounds for wedding and beach season. I can’t be sipping cocktails in the sand shirtless while my beer/pizza gut hangs over my waist. Nobody wants to kiss that boy so it’s time to start shedding the pounds. My motto usually is the more out of shape I get the more my personality improves to make up for it. I’m not horribly out of shape, I have muscles and shit but the tummy is taking up too much real estate and making it hard to wear some of my favorite tight-fitting shirts. I paid for my membership and they had a picture of me on file at the gym from when I was a member 7 years ago. This picture was TERRIBLE! No facial hair (not even my Adam Levine stubble) and a shaved head. Why on EARTH I ever thought this looked good on me is a fucking mystery. God bless my college girlfriend for not dumping me for that haircut, thanks Kerri. Kerri was my very hot college girlfriend (way out of my league) and is now one of my best friends. Yes people, you can stay friends with an ex if you’re not childish, assuming you didn’t have a horribly messy break up. In that case, stay away. Tuesday was also a pivotal Bruins game. The B’s need to win their last games to clench a playoff spot. They lost to the Hurricanes in a shootout but they get a point for the tie in regulation (not enough). I hate seeing my boys fall short of a playoff spot.

Wednesday I was back in the swing of work and it was second nature again. I was also offered a ticket to the Bruins/Redwings game for Thursday. This was a huge game because we’re (not “we” but the Bruins) battling Detroit for the last playoff spot in the conference. The tickets were face value, $140 and I really wanted to go. While debating if I wanted to drop around $200 (including beer. probably more like $250 actually) for a hockey game I found a pair of amazing running shoes online.

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Look at these beautiful bastards.

I’m 0-3 for live Bruins games this year so they don’t need my bad luck fucking them up. I turned down the tickets and bought the shoes, invested in my sexy future (I love my move). Wednesday night also marked my return to the gym. Yes, I bought the membership on Tuesday but I didn’t go, you happy?! I got dressed and dragged my fat ass to the Beverly Athletic Club (for all my local admires who want to see me sweat in tight t-shirts). I stretched out my old bones then jumped on the treadmill, ran 2.5 miles before I had to walk for a bit. Once I caught my breath I hammered out another mile of running then walked one more. In my best running shape I can run 5-6 miles without stopping, which doesn’t sound like a lot but it’s good for me. My body isn’t exactly built for distance running, I get winded too easily, I’m 5′ 8″ 215 pounds with a bulky refrigerator type frame. Some people are into that so I still get kisses from cute girls but running can be tricky. I have a bunch of friends who run marathons regularly and I think it’s insane and i’m impressed as fuck by it. My friend Sarad not only runs marathons he coaches this massive running team (Team in Training if you’re looking to be coached by a master and raise money for the Leukemia Lymphoma society). Every year they raise roughly a million dollars for the worthy cause and I’m bragging about running 5 miles in my top shape. Anyway, it’s good to have those guys giving me tips that I don’t always listen to. After some sweaty selfies I got the hell out of the gym and watched TV while looking at Winston Churchill quotes online (pretty inspirational shit).

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God damn I look fine wet.

Thursday; work, gym day two, Bruins, date planned. Work was fine, skipped the naps and went straight to the gym after. I put the Bruins game on the treadmill’s tv and hammered out 3.5 miles without stopping while the B’s handled the Redwings. Maybe I should have gone to the game? Nah, I might have jinxed them like I did in California. Running felt a little better day two but I was still sore as hell. Since it was pouring out I was less than motivated to get my ass to the gym but I wore my Batman Hoodie and a funny hat.

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sweet hat right?

Never underestimate a funny hat, but don’t wear it too long because the joke dies quick. After the gym (and sweaty selfies) I showered quick then headed to Boston. I had a date planned to watch part of the game with a young lady. Let’s call this young lady Summer. Summer was annoyed with me that I took so long to get to the city, which was understandable because I’m always late. She was also displeased with my flippant attitude with making plans, which again I get but it’s how I am. I like to keep women guessing sometimes to maintain my enigmatic persona but truthfully I just like doing shit my own way and it (rightfully) frustrates people. We headed to a bar where they filmed scenes for the overrated movie “The Social Network” which was pretty cool (sorta). We got drinks, nachos, watched the game and discussed my erratic behavior when “dating”. It’s a discussion I’m not unfamiliar with, some are cool with it and some hate it with a fiery passion. Summer was the latter and I don’t fault her for it. It’s hard to articulate why I am the way I am or why I date the way I do, but I’ll give it a shot. First of all, I hate having to report to someone. I don’t mean to imply that when in a relationship one person has to constantly check in with other (some relationships are like this though). I like having freedom and I don’t mean freedom to hook up with whomever I want. When I say freedom I mean I like to remain untethered to someone. Let me give an example; let’s say I want to sell all my shit, pack my car with my remaining possessions, drive across America alone to move west for 2 weeks, I could. I didn’t have to break up with anyone or ask if they were ok with my decision, I just fucking did it. Decisions and adventures of that nature become more difficult when attached to another person. I’m not against long term relationships, I’ve had many of them and they were full of love. I’m actually a pretty good boyfriend, ask my references; Kerri and Katie. They would give glowing reviews! They might also say I like things my way, which is true but I’ll compromise when in love. Needless to say Summer and I had a bit of a battle (nothing big) but it was still unpleasant. I feel shitty because I know I can come off like a jerk in these instances but I just like to live my life my way, simple as that. Anywayyyyy the Bruins killed the Redwings 5-2 and those nachos sucked and cost $20 somehow. Summer and I said our goodnights and I think she doesn’t hate me but I’m not positive, pitfalls of being single I suppose.

Friday was shaping up to be a really good day, I had fun plans locked and loaded for the evening. Work was super easy and the shade-throwers were warming back up to me again, must be my undeniable and irresistible charm. While at work I got an indeed.com notification for a Junior Copywriting position at Arnold Worldwide. After work I rushed home to write a cover letter and apply. I’m extremely interested in copywriting as a career and this seemed like a great first step. Hopefully we’ll hear something back. To all my Arnold Worldwide readers, put in a good word for ya boy. Once I hit send on the application I went to the gym and attempted to run but was sore as hell. I struggled through 2 miles on the treadmill, walked a bit ran about a mile more then had to call it quits. I went home, showered, packed a bag and headed to Shane’s house. Shane made me a drink and we called an Uber. We hopped in and headed to The Friendly Toast to meet Keegan, Jason and Durkin. Keegan was already annoyed (but not surprised) at our lack of punctuality but he got over that shit. Funny enough almost all my friends hate the Friendly Toast but I love it and they usually suck it up and go with me. We squeezed into the booth, ordered and proceeded to tip tall cans of PBR and call Jason a crab (long story).

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I fucking love this place!

After everyone complained about The Toast we bailed. My beer was only halfway drank so I stuffed it in my inside pocket of my treasure coat. My treasure coat is a jacket I procured from my old roommate and one of my best friends Ben Neirgarth or Beergarth to you who know him. According to Ethan the jacket doesn’t fit me right and I probably wear it too much. There is a massive stain on the side of it from s drunken Chinese food encounter. I’ve had the jacket cleaned since that episode but part of the stain remains as a reminder of how far I push things sometimes. Also donned on this jacket is an Elvira pin and the pockets usually have funny shit in them. The front right chest pocket has an MC Hammer trading card. The Front left chest pocket has a pin that reads “I eat pussy like a fat kid easts cake” which I did not buy but mysteriously ended up in my pocket after a long night of partying which I ended up at someone’s home. Perhaps they planted the pin as a token of our night together. Maybe it was a type of thank you card from another pleased paramour (doubt it). Either way it’s funny so I leave it in there. In addition to the card and pins the front bottom pockets usually have my keys and various candy (Friday it was sour spree candies). Yea I just wrote an entire paragraph describing my ratty old jacket (fun right?).

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Notice the stains.

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After The Friendly Toast we tried out the bar downstairs from it, too crowded so we bounced. We hopped in another Uber and made our way to Bukowski’s Tavern in Cambridge. I love this place because they serve 40’s and when you order one it comes with a hot dog, they call it the Hobo special.

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We enjoyed some 40’s and shot the shit and I recited out of context rap lyrics to break up dull moments (as I’m known to do). Cuz I got a really big team and they need some really nice things! We decided to leave Bukowski’s and went to some other bar that felt way too fancy. Beer wasn’t too pricey and they had a cool looking chandelier.

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Pretty dope right?

Keegan and I also ranted about Batman v. Superman to the bartender until Shane couldn’t take it anymore (sorry Shane). We got the fuck out of there and went back to trusty Bukowski’s for more 40’s. I always find it funny that there is a chain or taverns named after Charles Bukowski, he would have hated having people gathering around him. But he would love the drinking aspect of it all and young women (creep. genius creep though). Last call rolled around and we decided to get Tasty Burger to close out the night. We made our way to Harvard Square, filed into the burger joint and got ready to order. The place was strangely packed with people dressed like it was senior prom. I couldn’t figure it out because it’s not prom season, these people were too old to be going to prom and it was pretty late for prom goers to be out. I chalked it up to Harvard kids coming from a theme party or some shit. We placed our orders and as I was about to pay for my bacon cheeseburger when the fire alarm went off. We were forced to exit the building sans burgers. We waited for a bit, firetrucks showed up as we tried to come up with a new plan. Durkin and I had to pee and nothing was still open for us to use their bathroom. We’re men so this is an easy fix, ducked in a back alley and relieved ourselves. I suppose that’s a crime but when you really have to pee and are drunk nothing else really matters. Apparently while we were gone Jason got into a yelling match with a Tasty Burger employee about there not being a fire. Shane was fed up and fired back at Jason, I missed all of it but then Jason vanished (hope he isn’t dead). We rallied quick, hopped another Uber and went to IHOP. IHOP is a horrible replacement for Tasty Burger but when life hands you lemons you order breakfast at 3am. Pancakes, scrambled eggs, sausage and toast for me (so much for losing weight). We devoured our subpar meals then went to our respective homes. I crashed at Shane’s and I think I fell asleep with my jacket on (classy right?).

Saturday morning wasn’t as rough as I thought it would be but I still didn’t feel great. Around 11AM Shane and I slowly pulled out shit together and went to breakfast. We went to our normal hangover spot, The Diner in Watertown (not sure if that’s even the name, if it is, it’s not very creative). There was a pretty long wait but the hostess (and one waitresses) has a crush on Shane so we didn’t wait long. Although when putting our name in the girl goes “what’s the name” and Shane fired back “you know it’s Jesus” which didn’t make a lick of sense but somehow sounded cool as fuck. Shane calls me Moses so I guess him being Jesus makes sense? I’m not sure, I don’t follow religious shit. Once we were seated and ordered Shane and I decided to bring back the phrase “Back up in that ass” it was really big in hip hop in the 90’s and never should have went away. Sorry for the blog delay folks but I’m back up in that ass! Yea, that’s great, tell your friends! I had an omelette with fruit salad on the side (that’s kinda sorta a little healthy). Full disclosure it was a meat lovers omelet so it was not part of the diet but eggs right? Eggs are good! Fuck you.

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Shane!

After Breakfast we went to Shane’s to watch the first period of a very pivotal Bruins game. Bruins stunk up the show and I left to make my way up to New Hampshire for a poker tournament. I made it just in time to register (I drove 90 to make it in time). I took my seat, turned it around and watched the Bruins get knocked out of playoff contention. It was a sad moment and in the blink of an eye my wardrobe had been cut in half. I’m still rocking my Bruins jacket my ex got me, that jacket rules (thanks Rosie)! It has less stains on it than the treasure coat which was previously described (at length). Funny enough I was seated at the same table in the tournament as my uncle. He was two seats to my left and the dealer was blocking our view of one another. It was pretty funny when he finally noticed me. I raised a pot and he looked over at me and laughed, said hello then said “I’m not playing a pot against my nephew” since he knows my skills! I don’t think that was the reason because he’s become a really strong player but had a great coach. Harold (my uncle) his son is my best friend Kyle (analogy hater) and is an incredible poker plater. I’m not kidding when I say he is one of the best I’ve ever seen play the game. The day went on and I had a steady stack of chips the whole time. I picked off a huge bluff to pad my stack. I had to make a hero call with Ace high but I was right, nice try motherfucker. Sorry for all the poker terminology, i’ll be done soon. Long story short, I made the final table and so did my uncle and that was really cool.

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I had a pretty strong stack and managed to knock out 4 players. My uncle Harold was bounced out in 6th place. Once I took out the guy in 4th place I suggested we make a deal and split the prize pool 3 ways since our stacks were all pretty even. They agreed, so myself, an older gentleman with Vietnam veteran hat on and a really hot pregnant woman (I think I have a thing for pregnant ladies) split up the prize pool and took home $1484 each. It was really cool, that was my first poker tournament win (I don’t play them much, I’m a cash game player). I was really proud of myself, shook everyones hand, tipped the dealer and went home to crash about $1500 richer. Now I can buy that camera I was looking at! That pretty much brings us up to speed. It’s now Sunday and I’ve been writing for about 3 hours. I still need to go to the gym, family dinner, write 2 movie reviews and meet a pretty lady for a drink. Busy day! Thanks for reading folks, see ya next time.

Keep smiling (especially after winning a bunch of money).

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I have no reason for adding this picture but I love it so fuckkkkkk it.

First week back in Mass

Due to popular demand (shocking amount of it actually) I shall (I’m fancy and say “shall”) be continuing my blog. I know I mentioned this last blog but then radio silence for six days. I know some of you might be thinking “what the fuck do we care what this asshole is doing on a regular basis, he’s not on a crazy soul-searching journey anymore!” First of all, that was way too harsh judgemental/fictitious reader. You’re supposed to be my fan! I mean friend/loyal reader, I don’t have fans (yet). What will I discuss? You seem to have a lot of god damn questions tough guy! What’s interesting about me? Hmmm, well I’m fairly funny, decently handsome (posts will always have my cute face in them somewhere), I’m adjusting to a massive life change (then sort of change back but more enlightened), I’ve also been known to have a larger than average amount of paramours (lovers if you don’t know that classy word, it’s not just a band name). Alas I will not discuss the details of any trysts because that’s a bit crass, my family reads this, I respect all my partners too much to discuss details of our moments together. Did that kill the fun mood?! I’m not sorry, but if you want to dish about dame gossip, I’ll consider discussing in person (drinks on you of course). Anyway, the blog is extremely fun to write and you kind folks seem to dig it (thank you by the way). The only downside is I don’t have a proper desk in my room so I’m using a coffee table and gaff dining room chair, my back already hurts. If I’m going to staying here in Beverly (at my parent’s house) I might need to invest in a proper desk. When I moved out of my apartment in Brighton I sold all my furniture (including my amazing bed) to the person moving into my room. Fuck I miss that bed, it was so soft and had seen so many interesting things, wink wink (subtle right?).  What has old Matty McFly been up to this week? Was it a chaotic whirlwind of fun, friends, lovers, local dining gems and welcome home drinks? Yes.

We have a few days to catch up on so I’ll bring you all up to speed. We need to cover from Tuesday to Sunday (today). Bear with me folks, I promise it will be fun, sexy, sweaty, delicious, freckled, wild and more fun (I said fun twice on purpose). I was without a car for a couple days so I was somewhat stranded in Beverly. I fucking hate not having a car and I don’t know how people live that way. It’s a complete feeling of dependance, you can’t go to the store without figuring out asinine travel details. Or WALKING, what am I a god damn caveman? Tuesday night I was heroically picked up by Ethan and we made our way to the historic tax evading roast beef establishment, Nick’s famous (for fraud and great sammys) Roast beef. After some god awful counter service which caused me to get mouthy with a short Greek man, we were then able to indulge in the north shore dining staple.

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That’s Ethan!

After cramming BBQ sauce soaked meat in our faces we hung out at Ethan’s parents house. They live close by and I hadn’t seen them in ages. Ethan has been one of my best friends since Freshman year of high school. We’ve actually known each other longer but we hated one another when we were little. I’ve spent enough time at the Norton’s (Ethan’s last name) home that John and Anne (Ethan’s wonderful parents) became a second family to me. They welcomed me back with open arms and a fist-full of Easter candy. John even offered me free tattoo removal for my least favorite tattoo (he works with cosmetic lasers). Let me be clear, I love most of my goofy tattoos but part of one is absolute dog shit and I’m going to getting it zapped off. In the future free space which is now occupied by that poor excuse for a tattoo, I’ll be emblazing (Word is telling me I spelled this wring but Word can at a bag of cat shit) the Mistress of the Dark (Evira) on my arm. Elvira was my first crush and still remains a model of the women I’m attracted to; busty, pale, kinda mean, wise asses with a love for movies. I’ve gone too far off topic!

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I’ll right this ship after a quick Evira topless google search. Ok I’m back. Tuesday night I crashed early because I was still adjusting to the time difference and have been sleeping horribly.

Wednesday Morning I treated myself to some Batman cereal which was chocolate and strawberry flavored (no idea how they came up with that). Sadly it was really gross but I still had two bowls of billionaire ninja vigilante justice. I killed most of Wednesday watching Netflix and eating delicious a chicken salad sub (shoutout to Gloria’s in Beverly). I was then tasked to retrieve my parents from the airport. You remember my parents who abandoned me the moment I returned home! Kidding, it was nice having the house to myself to eat unhealthy food and watch tv without judgement or questions. I scooped them up in my Mom’s BMW which I hate because it’s too low to the ground and I feel like it’s going to fly off the road. Sports cars are not my cup of tea, I don’t trust them! Wednesday night I met up with my homegirl Brittany, she had to pick me up since I was carless (accidental designated driver, bonus). We went to the Pickled Onion, the first place I ever drank. I was 23 and went overboard which resulted in me smashing shot glasses and wetting my pants at some point. Am I proud of this? No. Am I ashamed of it? Not one bit. And yes, I was 23 when I first started drinking. Shocking, I know but I was a good kid (minus lighting fires, light graffiti, shoplifting and breaking shit). Britt challenged me to a game of darts and I’m not one to turn down a challenge. She kicked my ass three games in a row and I think I might have won one of them at some point? I’m glad it wasn’t for money because I’d be broke and that’s not good considering I have no job. After I had a few too many drinks Bullseye (that’s your new nickname Butterfinger, also Butterfinger is a new one too) dropped me at home. I then got a text from a west coast (originally east coast) friend who was home for a really tragic reason. She asked if I wanted to hang and Matt McAskill never turns his back on a friend in need, especially pretty dame friends. She picked me up and I jokingly suggested we go to the Golden Banana. I was only half joking when I suggested it because I’m a perv. For those of you not familiar with the area (north of Boston) the Golden Banana is a gentleman’s club. We’ll call my friend Gertrude since I’m not sure she wants her business on front street like this. Gerty (fake name nickname, keep up) was game and we headed to the Banana. I’m aware the name of this strip club is misleading due to the fact bananas are phallic and might be better suited for a male strip club. I assure you this is a building full of naked ladies and creepy men, not naked men and creepy bachelorette parties.

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This picture doesn’t really sell this place well, also that’s a terrible park job.

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Slightly better representation of the GB.

Since Gertrude had minimal experience in establishments like this and I have far too much, I showed her the ropes. We got some drinks and I turned some 20’s into a nice wad of ones. The key to a good strip club trip is to get drinks at the bar (it’s faster) and find a seat in the outskirts of the stage seating area (perv row as it was colorfully named by my ex girlfriend Laura, good one Laura). Once you have drinks and a pocket full of ones you observe from a slight distance. Not all of the dancers will be your cup of tea so save your ones for the ladies that rev your engine. Once we agreed upon a suitable dancer to earn our George Washingtons we headed to perv row. My technique is to fold the ones lengthwise and use them to build fun structures. I usually use about 5-10 dollars for said structures. It draws the dancer’s attention, gives you a good ice-breaker to chat with them (which keeps them naked in your general vicinity for longer). This usually leads to joking around which makes the girls have more fun and not think they are dealing with another creep who generally inhabits the walls of their workplace. I hope you’re writing this down folks and pervs. I have a few friends who are dancers and I know what can make the job fun or lousy. Shout out B and K, again anonymity and respect is the name of the game when discussing naked ladies in a public forum. Gertrude had a great time and it felt good to see her laughing after the worst day of her life, I’m sorry for that Gerty (bear hugs for you always). After the Golden Banana sent us packing at last call we went to Sonic to get delicious slush drinks and I got a breakfast toaster and corn dog. That was the second best move of the night. The first was obviously going to the strip club (again I’m 32 and live with my parents, hello ladiesssssss). After I stuffed my face with health food we drove around talking and Gertrude did some more giggling which I very much enjoyed. We called it a night but not after I spiked my slush with more booze. What an eventful day Wednesday was! I still need a job though.

Thursday was another morning/afternoon of too much Netlfix/Hulu (god I miss having a job). That afternoon I got text saying a group of friends had an extra ticket to see Yacht Rock Revue. What’s Yacht Rock Revue? I didn’t know at first then watched some amazing videos online and was instantly hooked. They are an epic cover band that covers 70’s light rock which sounds weird but it fucking rules. Before I was gearing up to catch the train into the city (again I still have no car). I got text from my old boss saying I can have my old job back and to come in Monday at my usual time. Thanks Carl! I owe you a meat lover’s pizza from Little Italy (shoutout to pizza-master Garret). With this great news I was in an extra good mood for the fun night ahead. I met up with the South Groveland posse (this is a group of my friends who grew up in Groveland and they Fucking rule). I missed the dinner reservations because the train takes longer than a car (weird right?). Once I was in the city I took the T (that’s the subway for my non Boston readers) to Harvard Square and got dinner at Tasty Burger. They fucked up my order but it was still great (could have been better if they gave me what I ordered). Then I met up with my squad (millennial speak for group of friends). We had a couple pre concert drinks and got a pile of welcome home hugs from a group of people I’ve really come to love dearly. On our way to the show I ran into my buddy Aaron who was beyond excited I was home. He gave me some really comforting words which further confirmed my feelings about my decision to come back. We walked over to The Sinclair, this great concert venue and pretty dope bar in Cambridge. We armed ourselves with drinks and found a good spot to watch the magic of Yacht Rock Revue. It was a fantastic show, they brought the thunder and we all sang and danced like drunk idiots (some of us were).

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They played Billy Joel’s “only the good die young” which is admittedly one of my favorite songs with a message that I’ve lived my life by for far too many years. Looking around at my friends face’s, arm around some of them I felt so happy. That kind of happy that tattoos the grin across your face and the moment seems to freeze perfectly so you have enough time to take a mental snapshot. Time stands still, blah blah blah. Hearing the words “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints cuz the sinners are much more fun” reverberate off the walls and rattle around my brain filled me with the warmest feeling. Time for shots! Shit was getting too cliche and douchy writer-ish. Not sure who’s idea that was but cheers to you, my hangover would say “fuck you” but wouldn’t really mean it deep down. Me and Chris Had to jet a little early to catch the train home which resulted in missing “don’t stop believing” by Journey which bummed me out! But the show was still amazing and I stumbled home from the train.

Friday morning I finally got the call that my car was ready to be picked up. I flew down there and signed for the battle tested Wolf. The front of my baby was caked in dead bugs from the road trip and since the car was shipped facing ass out the back of it was now painted in even more dead bugs. Good look right?

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Welcome home my love.

After I got my shit unpacked from the car I got a text from my buddy Todd asking if I wanted to make some quick cash helping him move some heavy shit in his new house. I needed some sense of purpose, cash, someone to talk to and a free lunch so I jumped at the opportunity. We took some beds apart, rebuilt them, relocated some dressers, dripped some many sweat (gross) and toasted a well-deserved beer. After that I met up with my buddy KJ who got me a poker dealing gig which I agreed to before I got my job back. In all fairness I would have agreed to it while gainfully employed. I love dealing poker games, I’m pretty good at it and it’s solid money. We got some free food, dealt for about 5 hours and made a nice chunk of change. It was a charity poker tournament so everyone was laid back, super nice and easy to deal with (deal, pun alert. I’m such a card. Double pun, you’re welcome). After the poker tournament I had some some Oreos and stayed up till 5am, I won’t disclose if that was alone or with a young lady. None of ya business who I eat cookies with folks!

Saturday I slept pretty late then headed into the city to meet up with Keegan. I scooped him up then headed to the pillar of Mexican deliciousness, Anna’s Taqueria. Anna’s is one of my favorite places in Boston and I missed it so very much.

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I’m aware I was just in southern California which has the best Mexican food on earth (yes, better than Mexico I’ve been told many times). Look Anna’s doesn’t fuck around but I will admit Cali has the best Mexican food I’ve ever encountered. We stuffed those burritos in our pockets and headed to my favorite movie theater, The Coolidge! If you know me you know how much I adore this movie house. The staff of the mighty Coolidge is wonderful and really adore film in the deepest way (shoutout Midnight Mark).

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Stock Coolidge picture but still great.

The theater is always clean, the patrons respect movies and the moviegoing experience. It’s a nonprofit theater so they don’t always get the bigger movies. They usually get the smaller and more artfully crafted films which is my wheelhouse. Movie’s with budgets under 20 million and stronger scripts. Keegan and I made it just in time to see “Midnight Special” which I adored. The viewing experience was made more interesting by the addition of a man with Turrets sitting in the row next to us. He had a few loud and somewhat disturbing outbursts throughout the movie which was a first for me but I managed to ignore it pretty easily. He did shout “pussy” very loudly near the end of the film which was hard not to snicker at. I know it’s a mental handicap but when anyone shouts “pussy” in a quiet/densely populated room it will always make me laugh, sorry. The film was fantastic, beautifully directed (Jeff Nichols), unique story, incredible acting performances (namely Michael Shannon and Adam Driver).

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I don’t want to say too much about this movie because I think I’m going to devote an entire blog to it, bring Matt’s movie adventures (cinema creature) out of retirement (buckle up fuckers). After the movie I headed back to beverly and fell into another Netflix hole until I made plans to go bowling with some friends up in Groveland. We all met up at John and Jecka’s (my cousin and his lovely wife) then headed to the bowling alley. Not after some solid team building, which means shotgunning beers of which I suck at. We lit up the already glowing lanes (cosmic bowling) at Leo’s Super Bowl.

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I did much better than expected but still handed in a less than stellar performance. I did win the second game and I’m damn proud of it. My father used to be a professional bowler so I figured some of those genes were passed on to me. They weren’t. But he bowled ten pin not candle pin (which is what we bowled Saturday). After Bowling we hit the town and shared some stories at the bar. After that we went attempted (and failed) to find a fast food establishment that was still open. We ended up at 7-11 buying shitty (actually not that shitty shockingly) pizza and I got a horrible hot dog (was actually horrible). After listening to the fascinating cashier with great facial hair tell gripping stories about making movies in his AV club we all went back to John and Jecka’s. Oh I hope that aggressive sarcasm about the creepy 7-11 cashier was easily decipherable, he was the worst and so was his friend who was vaping in the corner. We all stayed up far too late playing One Night Werewolf (really fun card game), listening to beloved songs from our adolescence and shouting the words as loud as possible while dancing.

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Jecka is awesome at the piano!

I eventually crashed at 5:30 in the morning like an asshole then had to get up at 10am. It snowed in the brief window I was asleep and I had to clean off the Wolf before heading back to Beverly. I took a mini nap then prepared for a date.

Sunday (today) I met up with a lovely young lady and we went to the Harvard Museum of Natural History.

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I’ve lived in and around the city for my whole life and have never stepped foot inside. I had been fucking up because this place was amazing! Dinosaur bones, fossils, exotic taxideried (not sure that’s a word and I’m too tired to check) animals and whale skeletons hanging from the ceiling like some creepy dream or the lair of an eccentric billionaire super villain.

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Beetles are kinda dope looking!

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Whale’s are not small folks. Fact.

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So many dead whale bones.

After the museum I got some delicious dinner at Zatfigs (dope Jewish deli in Brookline) with an beloved friend and ended the weekend with an amazing meal and a filling desert, I forget what it was called (the desert that is). I finally made my way back to my trusty laptop to report back to you wonderful folks. That was my first week back in Massachusetts and it has been fucking amazing, feels great to be back. Tomorrow I return to work at Axcelis Technologies (shoutout Carl) and probably should go to sleep but I had to get this done, for the fans! I’m saying I have fans, fuck it. Thanks for reading folks!

Keep smiling (even when you have hardly slept in 3 days. Well worth it).

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I’m powerful and don’s need sleep.

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Correct.