First week back in Mass

Due to popular demand (shocking amount of it actually) I shall (I’m fancy and say “shall”) be continuing my blog. I know I mentioned this last blog but then radio silence for six days. I know some of you might be thinking “what the fuck do we care what this asshole is doing on a regular basis, he’s not on a crazy soul-searching journey anymore!” First of all, that was way too harsh judgemental/fictitious reader. You’re supposed to be my fan! I mean friend/loyal reader, I don’t have fans (yet). What will I discuss? You seem to have a lot of god damn questions tough guy! What’s interesting about me? Hmmm, well I’m fairly funny, decently handsome (posts will always have my cute face in them somewhere), I’m adjusting to a massive life change (then sort of change back but more enlightened), I’ve also been known to have a larger than average amount of paramours (lovers if you don’t know that classy word, it’s not just a band name). Alas I will not discuss the details of any trysts because that’s a bit crass, my family reads this, I respect all my partners too much to discuss details of our moments together. Did that kill the fun mood?! I’m not sorry, but if you want to dish about dame gossip, I’ll consider discussing in person (drinks on you of course). Anyway, the blog is extremely fun to write and you kind folks seem to dig it (thank you by the way). The only downside is I don’t have a proper desk in my room so I’m using a coffee table and gaff dining room chair, my back already hurts. If I’m going to staying here in Beverly (at my parent’s house) I might need to invest in a proper desk. When I moved out of my apartment in Brighton I sold all my furniture (including my amazing bed) to the person moving into my room. Fuck I miss that bed, it was so soft and had seen so many interesting things, wink wink (subtle right?).  What has old Matty McFly been up to this week? Was it a chaotic whirlwind of fun, friends, lovers, local dining gems and welcome home drinks? Yes.

We have a few days to catch up on so I’ll bring you all up to speed. We need to cover from Tuesday to Sunday (today). Bear with me folks, I promise it will be fun, sexy, sweaty, delicious, freckled, wild and more fun (I said fun twice on purpose). I was without a car for a couple days so I was somewhat stranded in Beverly. I fucking hate not having a car and I don’t know how people live that way. It’s a complete feeling of dependance, you can’t go to the store without figuring out asinine travel details. Or WALKING, what am I a god damn caveman? Tuesday night I was heroically picked up by Ethan and we made our way to the historic tax evading roast beef establishment, Nick’s famous (for fraud and great sammys) Roast beef. After some god awful counter service which caused me to get mouthy with a short Greek man, we were then able to indulge in the north shore dining staple.

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That’s Ethan!

After cramming BBQ sauce soaked meat in our faces we hung out at Ethan’s parents house. They live close by and I hadn’t seen them in ages. Ethan has been one of my best friends since Freshman year of high school. We’ve actually known each other longer but we hated one another when we were little. I’ve spent enough time at the Norton’s (Ethan’s last name) home that John and Anne (Ethan’s wonderful parents) became a second family to me. They welcomed me back with open arms and a fist-full of Easter candy. John even offered me free tattoo removal for my least favorite tattoo (he works with cosmetic lasers). Let me be clear, I love most of my goofy tattoos but part of one is absolute dog shit and I’m going to getting it zapped off. In the future free space which is now occupied by that poor excuse for a tattoo, I’ll be emblazing (Word is telling me I spelled this wring but Word can at a bag of cat shit) the Mistress of the Dark (Evira) on my arm. Elvira was my first crush and still remains a model of the women I’m attracted to; busty, pale, kinda mean, wise asses with a love for movies. I’ve gone too far off topic!

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I’ll right this ship after a quick Evira topless google search. Ok I’m back. Tuesday night I crashed early because I was still adjusting to the time difference and have been sleeping horribly.

Wednesday Morning I treated myself to some Batman cereal which was chocolate and strawberry flavored (no idea how they came up with that). Sadly it was really gross but I still had two bowls of billionaire ninja vigilante justice. I killed most of Wednesday watching Netflix and eating delicious a chicken salad sub (shoutout to Gloria’s in Beverly). I was then tasked to retrieve my parents from the airport. You remember my parents who abandoned me the moment I returned home! Kidding, it was nice having the house to myself to eat unhealthy food and watch tv without judgement or questions. I scooped them up in my Mom’s BMW which I hate because it’s too low to the ground and I feel like it’s going to fly off the road. Sports cars are not my cup of tea, I don’t trust them! Wednesday night I met up with my homegirl Brittany, she had to pick me up since I was carless (accidental designated driver, bonus). We went to the Pickled Onion, the first place I ever drank. I was 23 and went overboard which resulted in me smashing shot glasses and wetting my pants at some point. Am I proud of this? No. Am I ashamed of it? Not one bit. And yes, I was 23 when I first started drinking. Shocking, I know but I was a good kid (minus lighting fires, light graffiti, shoplifting and breaking shit). Britt challenged me to a game of darts and I’m not one to turn down a challenge. She kicked my ass three games in a row and I think I might have won one of them at some point? I’m glad it wasn’t for money because I’d be broke and that’s not good considering I have no job. After I had a few too many drinks Bullseye (that’s your new nickname Butterfinger, also Butterfinger is a new one too) dropped me at home. I then got a text from a west coast (originally east coast) friend who was home for a really tragic reason. She asked if I wanted to hang and Matt McAskill never turns his back on a friend in need, especially pretty dame friends. She picked me up and I jokingly suggested we go to the Golden Banana. I was only half joking when I suggested it because I’m a perv. For those of you not familiar with the area (north of Boston) the Golden Banana is a gentleman’s club. We’ll call my friend Gertrude since I’m not sure she wants her business on front street like this. Gerty (fake name nickname, keep up) was game and we headed to the Banana. I’m aware the name of this strip club is misleading due to the fact bananas are phallic and might be better suited for a male strip club. I assure you this is a building full of naked ladies and creepy men, not naked men and creepy bachelorette parties.

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This picture doesn’t really sell this place well, also that’s a terrible park job.

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Slightly better representation of the GB.

Since Gertrude had minimal experience in establishments like this and I have far too much, I showed her the ropes. We got some drinks and I turned some 20’s into a nice wad of ones. The key to a good strip club trip is to get drinks at the bar (it’s faster) and find a seat in the outskirts of the stage seating area (perv row as it was colorfully named by my ex girlfriend Laura, good one Laura). Once you have drinks and a pocket full of ones you observe from a slight distance. Not all of the dancers will be your cup of tea so save your ones for the ladies that rev your engine. Once we agreed upon a suitable dancer to earn our George Washingtons we headed to perv row. My technique is to fold the ones lengthwise and use them to build fun structures. I usually use about 5-10 dollars for said structures. It draws the dancer’s attention, gives you a good ice-breaker to chat with them (which keeps them naked in your general vicinity for longer). This usually leads to joking around which makes the girls have more fun and not think they are dealing with another creep who generally inhabits the walls of their workplace. I hope you’re writing this down folks and pervs. I have a few friends who are dancers and I know what can make the job fun or lousy. Shout out B and K, again anonymity and respect is the name of the game when discussing naked ladies in a public forum. Gertrude had a great time and it felt good to see her laughing after the worst day of her life, I’m sorry for that Gerty (bear hugs for you always). After the Golden Banana sent us packing at last call we went to Sonic to get delicious slush drinks and I got a breakfast toaster and corn dog. That was the second best move of the night. The first was obviously going to the strip club (again I’m 32 and live with my parents, hello ladiesssssss). After I stuffed my face with health food we drove around talking and Gertrude did some more giggling which I very much enjoyed. We called it a night but not after I spiked my slush with more booze. What an eventful day Wednesday was! I still need a job though.

Thursday was another morning/afternoon of too much Netlfix/Hulu (god I miss having a job). That afternoon I got text saying a group of friends had an extra ticket to see Yacht Rock Revue. What’s Yacht Rock Revue? I didn’t know at first then watched some amazing videos online and was instantly hooked. They are an epic cover band that covers 70’s light rock which sounds weird but it fucking rules. Before I was gearing up to catch the train into the city (again I still have no car). I got text from my old boss saying I can have my old job back and to come in Monday at my usual time. Thanks Carl! I owe you a meat lover’s pizza from Little Italy (shoutout to pizza-master Garret). With this great news I was in an extra good mood for the fun night ahead. I met up with the South Groveland posse (this is a group of my friends who grew up in Groveland and they Fucking rule). I missed the dinner reservations because the train takes longer than a car (weird right?). Once I was in the city I took the T (that’s the subway for my non Boston readers) to Harvard Square and got dinner at Tasty Burger. They fucked up my order but it was still great (could have been better if they gave me what I ordered). Then I met up with my squad (millennial speak for group of friends). We had a couple pre concert drinks and got a pile of welcome home hugs from a group of people I’ve really come to love dearly. On our way to the show I ran into my buddy Aaron who was beyond excited I was home. He gave me some really comforting words which further confirmed my feelings about my decision to come back. We walked over to The Sinclair, this great concert venue and pretty dope bar in Cambridge. We armed ourselves with drinks and found a good spot to watch the magic of Yacht Rock Revue. It was a fantastic show, they brought the thunder and we all sang and danced like drunk idiots (some of us were).

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They played Billy Joel’s “only the good die young” which is admittedly one of my favorite songs with a message that I’ve lived my life by for far too many years. Looking around at my friends face’s, arm around some of them I felt so happy. That kind of happy that tattoos the grin across your face and the moment seems to freeze perfectly so you have enough time to take a mental snapshot. Time stands still, blah blah blah. Hearing the words “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints cuz the sinners are much more fun” reverberate off the walls and rattle around my brain filled me with the warmest feeling. Time for shots! Shit was getting too cliche and douchy writer-ish. Not sure who’s idea that was but cheers to you, my hangover would say “fuck you” but wouldn’t really mean it deep down. Me and Chris Had to jet a little early to catch the train home which resulted in missing “don’t stop believing” by Journey which bummed me out! But the show was still amazing and I stumbled home from the train.

Friday morning I finally got the call that my car was ready to be picked up. I flew down there and signed for the battle tested Wolf. The front of my baby was caked in dead bugs from the road trip and since the car was shipped facing ass out the back of it was now painted in even more dead bugs. Good look right?

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Welcome home my love.

After I got my shit unpacked from the car I got a text from my buddy Todd asking if I wanted to make some quick cash helping him move some heavy shit in his new house. I needed some sense of purpose, cash, someone to talk to and a free lunch so I jumped at the opportunity. We took some beds apart, rebuilt them, relocated some dressers, dripped some many sweat (gross) and toasted a well-deserved beer. After that I met up with my buddy KJ who got me a poker dealing gig which I agreed to before I got my job back. In all fairness I would have agreed to it while gainfully employed. I love dealing poker games, I’m pretty good at it and it’s solid money. We got some free food, dealt for about 5 hours and made a nice chunk of change. It was a charity poker tournament so everyone was laid back, super nice and easy to deal with (deal, pun alert. I’m such a card. Double pun, you’re welcome). After the poker tournament I had some some Oreos and stayed up till 5am, I won’t disclose if that was alone or with a young lady. None of ya business who I eat cookies with folks!

Saturday I slept pretty late then headed into the city to meet up with Keegan. I scooped him up then headed to the pillar of Mexican deliciousness, Anna’s Taqueria. Anna’s is one of my favorite places in Boston and I missed it so very much.

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I’m aware I was just in southern California which has the best Mexican food on earth (yes, better than Mexico I’ve been told many times). Look Anna’s doesn’t fuck around but I will admit Cali has the best Mexican food I’ve ever encountered. We stuffed those burritos in our pockets and headed to my favorite movie theater, The Coolidge! If you know me you know how much I adore this movie house. The staff of the mighty Coolidge is wonderful and really adore film in the deepest way (shoutout Midnight Mark).

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Stock Coolidge picture but still great.

The theater is always clean, the patrons respect movies and the moviegoing experience. It’s a nonprofit theater so they don’t always get the bigger movies. They usually get the smaller and more artfully crafted films which is my wheelhouse. Movie’s with budgets under 20 million and stronger scripts. Keegan and I made it just in time to see “Midnight Special” which I adored. The viewing experience was made more interesting by the addition of a man with Turrets sitting in the row next to us. He had a few loud and somewhat disturbing outbursts throughout the movie which was a first for me but I managed to ignore it pretty easily. He did shout “pussy” very loudly near the end of the film which was hard not to snicker at. I know it’s a mental handicap but when anyone shouts “pussy” in a quiet/densely populated room it will always make me laugh, sorry. The film was fantastic, beautifully directed (Jeff Nichols), unique story, incredible acting performances (namely Michael Shannon and Adam Driver).

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I don’t want to say too much about this movie because I think I’m going to devote an entire blog to it, bring Matt’s movie adventures (cinema creature) out of retirement (buckle up fuckers). After the movie I headed back to beverly and fell into another Netflix hole until I made plans to go bowling with some friends up in Groveland. We all met up at John and Jecka’s (my cousin and his lovely wife) then headed to the bowling alley. Not after some solid team building, which means shotgunning beers of which I suck at. We lit up the already glowing lanes (cosmic bowling) at Leo’s Super Bowl.

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I did much better than expected but still handed in a less than stellar performance. I did win the second game and I’m damn proud of it. My father used to be a professional bowler so I figured some of those genes were passed on to me. They weren’t. But he bowled ten pin not candle pin (which is what we bowled Saturday). After Bowling we hit the town and shared some stories at the bar. After that we went attempted (and failed) to find a fast food establishment that was still open. We ended up at 7-11 buying shitty (actually not that shitty shockingly) pizza and I got a horrible hot dog (was actually horrible). After listening to the fascinating cashier with great facial hair tell gripping stories about making movies in his AV club we all went back to John and Jecka’s. Oh I hope that aggressive sarcasm about the creepy 7-11 cashier was easily decipherable, he was the worst and so was his friend who was vaping in the corner. We all stayed up far too late playing One Night Werewolf (really fun card game), listening to beloved songs from our adolescence and shouting the words as loud as possible while dancing.

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Jecka is awesome at the piano!

I eventually crashed at 5:30 in the morning like an asshole then had to get up at 10am. It snowed in the brief window I was asleep and I had to clean off the Wolf before heading back to Beverly. I took a mini nap then prepared for a date.

Sunday (today) I met up with a lovely young lady and we went to the Harvard Museum of Natural History.

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I’ve lived in and around the city for my whole life and have never stepped foot inside. I had been fucking up because this place was amazing! Dinosaur bones, fossils, exotic taxideried (not sure that’s a word and I’m too tired to check) animals and whale skeletons hanging from the ceiling like some creepy dream or the lair of an eccentric billionaire super villain.

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Beetles are kinda dope looking!

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Whale’s are not small folks. Fact.

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So many dead whale bones.

After the museum I got some delicious dinner at Zatfigs (dope Jewish deli in Brookline) with an beloved friend and ended the weekend with an amazing meal and a filling desert, I forget what it was called (the desert that is). I finally made my way back to my trusty laptop to report back to you wonderful folks. That was my first week back in Massachusetts and it has been fucking amazing, feels great to be back. Tomorrow I return to work at Axcelis Technologies (shoutout Carl) and probably should go to sleep but I had to get this done, for the fans! I’m saying I have fans, fuck it. Thanks for reading folks!

Keep smiling (even when you have hardly slept in 3 days. Well worth it).

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I’m powerful and don’s need sleep.

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Correct.

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