Work work work work work work (Rihanna voice)

I feel like a dick lately because I’m only posting once a week but I wasn’t prepared to make this blog a part time (unpaid) job. I got shit to do motherfuckers! I do have a great time writing this shit though so I’ll work in churning out more content. I can’t post everyday because interesting stuff doesn’t happen every day of my life (I know that may come as a shock). One of my favorite comedians, Pete Holmes once said “you got to live a life worth commenting on” which is true. I have to go out and do the stuff you fine folks enjoy hearing about. It’s a daunting task to venture out and get into misadventures, meet new people (attempt to see some of them naked) and report it back to you! Challenge accepted, I promise I’ll always test my limits and go outside my comfort zone so you guys can kill some time on a boring work day by reading my stories (I’m feeling sassy today, deal with it!).

Monday was my first day back to work work work work work work (Rihanna voice). In addition to returning to the work force after a one month hiatus, I’ve also been listening to Rihanna’s song “Work” on repeat about 15 times a day. At first I hated the song and thought it was gibberish, then after a few more listens it has become the only thing I want to hear. I urge you to go listen to it, but maybe watch the video too because Rihanna does cool stuff with her butt (two thumbs up).

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Drake appreciating Rihanna’s butt.

The first day of work was pretty easy, despite having to run the department my first day back since my supervisor had to call out. I jumped back into the fire and everything went pretty smoothly. I got a bunch of “welcome Home” greetings, some puzzled looks and me explaining the decision with various analogies. My new goto analogy is this; it’s like I put on a running shoe and it didn’t fit me at all, pinched my foot and was painful to walk in. I didn’t keep the shoe on and decide to run a 5K, I took it off and went back to the shelf. For those of you who have read the blog know i’ve used the kissing someone you like and not having any sparks analogy (another brilliant one, I am great at describing shit using analogies. Take that Kyle!).  Kyle is my cousin and thinks I suck at analogies, I’ve said that word way too many times so i’ll be done now. Anyway, some of my coworkers were stoked to have such an interesting, handsome, funny, entertaining hard worker back at Axcelis but some did NOT. A few of my coworkers threw old Matty McFly some shade. For those of you over the age of 30, throwing shade is someone who is giving you dirty looks. I believe in the 80’s it was called icing someone (which means something way different now). I couldn’t figure out why some people I’d been so friendly with for so long would give my handsome face dirty looks. Maybe they thought my beard had grown out of control and reckless. Obviously that is wrong, my beard is glorious and the definition of manliness. To be honest it’s itchy and I kind of want to shave it but it women love it sooooooo I keeps it on my face to keep girls on the same place (think about it).

I’m assuming my coworkers were annoyed at the timing of my return. It’s really slow at work right now and they’ve been doing layoffs. I’m going to guess their train of thought is this; Matt can just leave and comeback, get the same job back he quit and we’re getting laid off? Yes. Plain and simple. My position was never filled and a temp was doing my job and doing it poorly. Sadly he got laid off and I took my post back. That may have rubbed some people the wrong way but fuck them. I’ve worked there 6 years and work 20-40 of hours of overtime every week so blow me. Not literally, I find most of you unattractive and unworthy of my genitalia. Except one but I don’t think I’m her type sadly. Or I think she lives with her significant other? I’m not sure but oral is probably out of the question right? Can’t be sure, I’m gonna work on it. I received a bit of backlash from females in my life by my last blog and mentioning a hypothetical blowjob from a potentially hypothetical attractive coworker will piss some people off. I’m not going to censor how I talk (write). Wait, was that sexual harassment? I’m not posting the blog at work so I guess it’s not. I hope it’s not! Ummm that aforementioned person does NOT exist. Moving on, it’s good to be back at work minus the fact I only got 3 hours of sleep the night before. Hey Matt, why didn’t you get yourself a good nights rest before returning to your job where you regularly operate heavy machinery. I was writing a blog for you! You ungrateful bastards! This is free of charge and has no pop ups or annoying advertising (drink RedBull, it gives you wings) so I don’t want to hear any complaints. After a pretty easy work day I went home to take a little nap. That nap quickly spun out of control and one hour turned into almost four. Did the nap fuck up my ability to fall asleep Monday night? Not at all. Kidding, it was next to impossible to pass out.

Tuesday was fairly uneventful for the most part. I signed up for a new gym so I can drop 20 pounds for wedding and beach season. I can’t be sipping cocktails in the sand shirtless while my beer/pizza gut hangs over my waist. Nobody wants to kiss that boy so it’s time to start shedding the pounds. My motto usually is the more out of shape I get the more my personality improves to make up for it. I’m not horribly out of shape, I have muscles and shit but the tummy is taking up too much real estate and making it hard to wear some of my favorite tight-fitting shirts. I paid for my membership and they had a picture of me on file at the gym from when I was a member 7 years ago. This picture was TERRIBLE! No facial hair (not even my Adam Levine stubble) and a shaved head. Why on EARTH I ever thought this looked good on me is a fucking mystery. God bless my college girlfriend for not dumping me for that haircut, thanks Kerri. Kerri was my very hot college girlfriend (way out of my league) and is now one of my best friends. Yes people, you can stay friends with an ex if you’re not childish, assuming you didn’t have a horribly messy break up. In that case, stay away. Tuesday was also a pivotal Bruins game. The B’s need to win their last games to clench a playoff spot. They lost to the Hurricanes in a shootout but they get a point for the tie in regulation (not enough). I hate seeing my boys fall short of a playoff spot.

Wednesday I was back in the swing of work and it was second nature again. I was also offered a ticket to the Bruins/Redwings game for Thursday. This was a huge game because we’re (not “we” but the Bruins) battling Detroit for the last playoff spot in the conference. The tickets were face value, $140 and I really wanted to go. While debating if I wanted to drop around $200 (including beer. probably more like $250 actually) for a hockey game I found a pair of amazing running shoes online.

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Look at these beautiful bastards.

I’m 0-3 for live Bruins games this year so they don’t need my bad luck fucking them up. I turned down the tickets and bought the shoes, invested in my sexy future (I love my move). Wednesday night also marked my return to the gym. Yes, I bought the membership on Tuesday but I didn’t go, you happy?! I got dressed and dragged my fat ass to the Beverly Athletic Club (for all my local admires who want to see me sweat in tight t-shirts). I stretched out my old bones then jumped on the treadmill, ran 2.5 miles before I had to walk for a bit. Once I caught my breath I hammered out another mile of running then walked one more. In my best running shape I can run 5-6 miles without stopping, which doesn’t sound like a lot but it’s good for me. My body isn’t exactly built for distance running, I get winded too easily, I’m 5′ 8″ 215 pounds with a bulky refrigerator type frame. Some people are into that so I still get kisses from cute girls but running can be tricky. I have a bunch of friends who run marathons regularly and I think it’s insane and i’m impressed as fuck by it. My friend Sarad not only runs marathons he coaches this massive running team (Team in Training if you’re looking to be coached by a master and raise money for the Leukemia Lymphoma society). Every year they raise roughly a million dollars for the worthy cause and I’m bragging about running 5 miles in my top shape. Anyway, it’s good to have those guys giving me tips that I don’t always listen to. After some sweaty selfies I got the hell out of the gym and watched TV while looking at Winston Churchill quotes online (pretty inspirational shit).

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God damn I look fine wet.

Thursday; work, gym day two, Bruins, date planned. Work was fine, skipped the naps and went straight to the gym after. I put the Bruins game on the treadmill’s tv and hammered out 3.5 miles without stopping while the B’s handled the Redwings. Maybe I should have gone to the game? Nah, I might have jinxed them like I did in California. Running felt a little better day two but I was still sore as hell. Since it was pouring out I was less than motivated to get my ass to the gym but I wore my Batman Hoodie and a funny hat.

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sweet hat right?

Never underestimate a funny hat, but don’t wear it too long because the joke dies quick. After the gym (and sweaty selfies) I showered quick then headed to Boston. I had a date planned to watch part of the game with a young lady. Let’s call this young lady Summer. Summer was annoyed with me that I took so long to get to the city, which was understandable because I’m always late. She was also displeased with my flippant attitude with making plans, which again I get but it’s how I am. I like to keep women guessing sometimes to maintain my enigmatic persona but truthfully I just like doing shit my own way and it (rightfully) frustrates people. We headed to a bar where they filmed scenes for the overrated movie “The Social Network” which was pretty cool (sorta). We got drinks, nachos, watched the game and discussed my erratic behavior when “dating”. It’s a discussion I’m not unfamiliar with, some are cool with it and some hate it with a fiery passion. Summer was the latter and I don’t fault her for it. It’s hard to articulate why I am the way I am or why I date the way I do, but I’ll give it a shot. First of all, I hate having to report to someone. I don’t mean to imply that when in a relationship one person has to constantly check in with other (some relationships are like this though). I like having freedom and I don’t mean freedom to hook up with whomever I want. When I say freedom I mean I like to remain untethered to someone. Let me give an example; let’s say I want to sell all my shit, pack my car with my remaining possessions, drive across America alone to move west for 2 weeks, I could. I didn’t have to break up with anyone or ask if they were ok with my decision, I just fucking did it. Decisions and adventures of that nature become more difficult when attached to another person. I’m not against long term relationships, I’ve had many of them and they were full of love. I’m actually a pretty good boyfriend, ask my references; Kerri and Katie. They would give glowing reviews! They might also say I like things my way, which is true but I’ll compromise when in love. Needless to say Summer and I had a bit of a battle (nothing big) but it was still unpleasant. I feel shitty because I know I can come off like a jerk in these instances but I just like to live my life my way, simple as that. Anywayyyyy the Bruins killed the Redwings 5-2 and those nachos sucked and cost $20 somehow. Summer and I said our goodnights and I think she doesn’t hate me but I’m not positive, pitfalls of being single I suppose.

Friday was shaping up to be a really good day, I had fun plans locked and loaded for the evening. Work was super easy and the shade-throwers were warming back up to me again, must be my undeniable and irresistible charm. While at work I got an indeed.com notification for a Junior Copywriting position at Arnold Worldwide. After work I rushed home to write a cover letter and apply. I’m extremely interested in copywriting as a career and this seemed like a great first step. Hopefully we’ll hear something back. To all my Arnold Worldwide readers, put in a good word for ya boy. Once I hit send on the application I went to the gym and attempted to run but was sore as hell. I struggled through 2 miles on the treadmill, walked a bit ran about a mile more then had to call it quits. I went home, showered, packed a bag and headed to Shane’s house. Shane made me a drink and we called an Uber. We hopped in and headed to The Friendly Toast to meet Keegan, Jason and Durkin. Keegan was already annoyed (but not surprised) at our lack of punctuality but he got over that shit. Funny enough almost all my friends hate the Friendly Toast but I love it and they usually suck it up and go with me. We squeezed into the booth, ordered and proceeded to tip tall cans of PBR and call Jason a crab (long story).

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I fucking love this place!

After everyone complained about The Toast we bailed. My beer was only halfway drank so I stuffed it in my inside pocket of my treasure coat. My treasure coat is a jacket I procured from my old roommate and one of my best friends Ben Neirgarth or Beergarth to you who know him. According to Ethan the jacket doesn’t fit me right and I probably wear it too much. There is a massive stain on the side of it from s drunken Chinese food encounter. I’ve had the jacket cleaned since that episode but part of the stain remains as a reminder of how far I push things sometimes. Also donned on this jacket is an Elvira pin and the pockets usually have funny shit in them. The front right chest pocket has an MC Hammer trading card. The Front left chest pocket has a pin that reads “I eat pussy like a fat kid easts cake” which I did not buy but mysteriously ended up in my pocket after a long night of partying which I ended up at someone’s home. Perhaps they planted the pin as a token of our night together. Maybe it was a type of thank you card from another pleased paramour (doubt it). Either way it’s funny so I leave it in there. In addition to the card and pins the front bottom pockets usually have my keys and various candy (Friday it was sour spree candies). Yea I just wrote an entire paragraph describing my ratty old jacket (fun right?).

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Notice the stains.

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After The Friendly Toast we tried out the bar downstairs from it, too crowded so we bounced. We hopped in another Uber and made our way to Bukowski’s Tavern in Cambridge. I love this place because they serve 40’s and when you order one it comes with a hot dog, they call it the Hobo special.

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We enjoyed some 40’s and shot the shit and I recited out of context rap lyrics to break up dull moments (as I’m known to do). Cuz I got a really big team and they need some really nice things! We decided to leave Bukowski’s and went to some other bar that felt way too fancy. Beer wasn’t too pricey and they had a cool looking chandelier.

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Pretty dope right?

Keegan and I also ranted about Batman v. Superman to the bartender until Shane couldn’t take it anymore (sorry Shane). We got the fuck out of there and went back to trusty Bukowski’s for more 40’s. I always find it funny that there is a chain or taverns named after Charles Bukowski, he would have hated having people gathering around him. But he would love the drinking aspect of it all and young women (creep. genius creep though). Last call rolled around and we decided to get Tasty Burger to close out the night. We made our way to Harvard Square, filed into the burger joint and got ready to order. The place was strangely packed with people dressed like it was senior prom. I couldn’t figure it out because it’s not prom season, these people were too old to be going to prom and it was pretty late for prom goers to be out. I chalked it up to Harvard kids coming from a theme party or some shit. We placed our orders and as I was about to pay for my bacon cheeseburger when the fire alarm went off. We were forced to exit the building sans burgers. We waited for a bit, firetrucks showed up as we tried to come up with a new plan. Durkin and I had to pee and nothing was still open for us to use their bathroom. We’re men so this is an easy fix, ducked in a back alley and relieved ourselves. I suppose that’s a crime but when you really have to pee and are drunk nothing else really matters. Apparently while we were gone Jason got into a yelling match with a Tasty Burger employee about there not being a fire. Shane was fed up and fired back at Jason, I missed all of it but then Jason vanished (hope he isn’t dead). We rallied quick, hopped another Uber and went to IHOP. IHOP is a horrible replacement for Tasty Burger but when life hands you lemons you order breakfast at 3am. Pancakes, scrambled eggs, sausage and toast for me (so much for losing weight). We devoured our subpar meals then went to our respective homes. I crashed at Shane’s and I think I fell asleep with my jacket on (classy right?).

Saturday morning wasn’t as rough as I thought it would be but I still didn’t feel great. Around 11AM Shane and I slowly pulled out shit together and went to breakfast. We went to our normal hangover spot, The Diner in Watertown (not sure if that’s even the name, if it is, it’s not very creative). There was a pretty long wait but the hostess (and one waitresses) has a crush on Shane so we didn’t wait long. Although when putting our name in the girl goes “what’s the name” and Shane fired back “you know it’s Jesus” which didn’t make a lick of sense but somehow sounded cool as fuck. Shane calls me Moses so I guess him being Jesus makes sense? I’m not sure, I don’t follow religious shit. Once we were seated and ordered Shane and I decided to bring back the phrase “Back up in that ass” it was really big in hip hop in the 90’s and never should have went away. Sorry for the blog delay folks but I’m back up in that ass! Yea, that’s great, tell your friends! I had an omelette with fruit salad on the side (that’s kinda sorta a little healthy). Full disclosure it was a meat lovers omelet so it was not part of the diet but eggs right? Eggs are good! Fuck you.

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Shane!

After Breakfast we went to Shane’s to watch the first period of a very pivotal Bruins game. Bruins stunk up the show and I left to make my way up to New Hampshire for a poker tournament. I made it just in time to register (I drove 90 to make it in time). I took my seat, turned it around and watched the Bruins get knocked out of playoff contention. It was a sad moment and in the blink of an eye my wardrobe had been cut in half. I’m still rocking my Bruins jacket my ex got me, that jacket rules (thanks Rosie)! It has less stains on it than the treasure coat which was previously described (at length). Funny enough I was seated at the same table in the tournament as my uncle. He was two seats to my left and the dealer was blocking our view of one another. It was pretty funny when he finally noticed me. I raised a pot and he looked over at me and laughed, said hello then said “I’m not playing a pot against my nephew” since he knows my skills! I don’t think that was the reason because he’s become a really strong player but had a great coach. Harold (my uncle) his son is my best friend Kyle (analogy hater) and is an incredible poker plater. I’m not kidding when I say he is one of the best I’ve ever seen play the game. The day went on and I had a steady stack of chips the whole time. I picked off a huge bluff to pad my stack. I had to make a hero call with Ace high but I was right, nice try motherfucker. Sorry for all the poker terminology, i’ll be done soon. Long story short, I made the final table and so did my uncle and that was really cool.

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I had a pretty strong stack and managed to knock out 4 players. My uncle Harold was bounced out in 6th place. Once I took out the guy in 4th place I suggested we make a deal and split the prize pool 3 ways since our stacks were all pretty even. They agreed, so myself, an older gentleman with Vietnam veteran hat on and a really hot pregnant woman (I think I have a thing for pregnant ladies) split up the prize pool and took home $1484 each. It was really cool, that was my first poker tournament win (I don’t play them much, I’m a cash game player). I was really proud of myself, shook everyones hand, tipped the dealer and went home to crash about $1500 richer. Now I can buy that camera I was looking at! That pretty much brings us up to speed. It’s now Sunday and I’ve been writing for about 3 hours. I still need to go to the gym, family dinner, write 2 movie reviews and meet a pretty lady for a drink. Busy day! Thanks for reading folks, see ya next time.

Keep smiling (especially after winning a bunch of money).

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I have no reason for adding this picture but I love it so fuckkkkkk it.

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