Alright, I’ll keep this one short since the last two were like homework level long (sorry but they were damn good!). I know you folks read on lunch breaks, the toilet, bored at work, while waiting for your food to be cooked, in between lovemaking sessions (props to you) and whatnot. Due to my life in the suburbs this week has been less than exciting for my taste but I still gambled, ended up naked with company and burned some serious calories (on the treadmill, not like marathon banging, sorry). I honestly need to find a better place to write because I’m currently doubled over a coffee table and It hurts like a bastard (could use a rubdown, any takers?). These are the pitfalls of owning nothing but a car and some very snappy clothes. Have you seen my Hawaiian shirts? They are gorgeous and I don’t wear them ironically like some asshole hipster. This is something I need to clear up, I’m NOT a fucking hipster. I know the tattoos, beard, silly taste in pop culture and snide comments make it seem that way but I’m far from it. I don’t like shit ironically, I just like shit no matter how it makes me look. For example I love the soundtrack to the movie Dreamgirls. I’m not saying that to seem funny, it’s a beautiful musical/movie and Eddie Murphy should have won the Oscar. My friend James’ boyfriend once said I was gayer than him for liking that movie/soundtrack which I took as a compliment (what up boys). My point is, I don’t like things based on how someone will perceive it, I like what I like. I would be more self-conscious of people’s opinions but I’m good looking, (kinda) smart and get laid enough to not worry about it. The point is, don’t do shit because it makes you look cool. I’ll give you a life hack about being “cool” just be comfortable with who you are and carry yourself as such. Speak from your heart and don’t pull any punches and look potential mates in the eye (also repeat their name back to them, makes everyone feel special). Now let’s talk about my week in the suburbs of the best little big city on Earth (Boston).
Monday nothing special happened (this is a recurring theme this week so this post might stay short). Work was pretty easy but still feels good to be earning a paycheck again. My job isn’t complicated and any biped with a pulse and a tiny bit of muscle could do it. I don’t claim to have a career but I like my job funny enough. I have a cool boss (shout out Carl and Gilbert), my coworkers are pretty chill, it’s a decent workout and I get to be a dick to random delivery men. Monday was opening day at Fenway Park and since the Bruins are done, I switched gears to the Red Sox. I used to always take this day off from work to either A.) go to the game with Ethan or B.) watch the game with Ethan at our apartment, eat hot dogs and peanuts while throwing the shells on the floor and chugging cheap beers. One year (about 3 years ago) me and E (that’s what I call Ethan) went to the game and I wore shorts like a total asshole (naturally) and it was cold as all fuck. After about 5 overpriced beers we bought some sports bars (pronounced sports baaaahhhsss) which are just Neapolitan ice cream bars. I was bored and buzzed so I dipped the sports bar in my beer then ate it. The fuckboy (idiomatic term for a whack dude) sitting in front of us freaked out and made me do it again so his girlfriend (who was too pretty for him FYI) could see. She laughed and Ethan rolled his eyes at the dopey pair while also enjoying the community feeling of Fenway. This year I had to work and Axcelis was cool enough to project the game in the cafeteria and give out free popcorn and peanuts (nice job Torrey/FAB team!). I watched a couple of innings and realized I needed to actually work so I left (with my peanuts).
After work I hit the gym to keep with operation be less fat/beach body Matt. Actually looking back I did something in-between work at the gym. What was it? Ohhh now I remember, I had a post work tryst with someone whom I share many interests and am very attracted to, let’s call her Lydia.Lydia lives with her ex so our rendezvous had to be covert and quick (my specialty).
Oh I can’t wait to hear the backlash of random people scolding me for being sexually open in a public forum. Lydia you are wonderful by the way and that isn’t a slight against past, current or future mates. More than one person can be great and share palpable chemistry (as long as it’s mutual). After Lydia and I had our fun I went to the gym to work on this beach body. I ran 2.5 miles then rested, ran a little more, rested and ended up doing 5 miles. I got a good sweat on and felt like I accomplished a little something.
I am WET.
I ate a tad too late and was tossing and turning all night thinking about the future and random perverted sex dreams (ohhhh this happens far too much for a man in his 30’s).
Tuesday at work was standard but my two favorite podcasts come out on Tuesdays so I always look forward to it, “We Hate Movies” and my top dog “Get Up On This” (shout out Jensen and Matty Boom, fuck your dreams). After work I noticed my new fly(knit) as fuck running shoes came in the mail. I tried them on and was ecstatic to put these beautiful fuckers to work (operation get Matt less fat). I hit the gym hard, ran 3.5 miles non-stop (getting easier). Tuesday night programming lead to my running enthusiasm since “New Girl” and “Brooklyn 99” are on. Also I watched “Grandfathered” with John Stamos and kinda liked it! I ended up running just under 6 miles and burning 910 calories like an anorexic adolescent (too fucked up?) and it felt great. Sweaty selfies, stretched, went home, showered and wanted to crash but had to do some writing.
New kicks ready to go.
gross ass screen but good progress.
Headbands are making a comeback soooooo yea.
I stayed up really late writing a review for the fantastic film “Midnight Special”, stay tuned for that one. Wanna know what I did Sunday night after I put the finishing touches on my last blog? I stayed up till 3AM writing a 5-page review of “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” for a website I used to write for (thoughtpollution.com) yea my nerd status isn’t something to question. Alas the word “nerd” is played out so let’s say geek or dork.
Wednesday work was pretty busy but we hammered it out like champs as I listened to podcasts and the same 4 songs (one was “work” by Rihanna) on repeat while waiting for 4:30. This is my day off from the gym and writing so I headed up to Hampton Falls to play some poker. I drove up and registered for the $70 5:30 tourney which after taking my seat I realized only drew a whopping 14 players (maybe 15). I built my stack pretty strong (quickly) then got in a massive pot with top set (3 of a kind) of Jacks and lost to a combo draw (flush and straight). My opponent played the hand really poorly but still got there but that’s part of the game so it’s cool (he was a really nice guy so I wasn’t too mad). I never really bounced back so I was short stacked (minimal chips). After verbally berating an elderly player for carrying a photograph of himself during his youth (not a picture on his phone but an actual photo) I was bounced out of the tournament and sent home. I hope I’m never un-self-aware to the point where I’m showing off pics of my youth or telling horribly outdated stories to people who don’t give a flying fuck (only recent stories haha). The coolest part of the night was a random dealer looking at my jacket (the treasure coat) and saying “is that THE Elvira pin?” I said “yes, that’s Elvira” and he responded “your kind of girl?” I was puzzled at first then he snapped back “I read your blog.” I was stoked as fuck to have a random reader. Granted he has been my dealer before (fantastic dealer by the way and those are few and far between). He knew my infamous cousin Kyle and had found my blog through him, but it was still really flattering (shout out Jay! thanks for reading and also having the same last name as my ex girlfriend).
After the tourney I went home to catch up on my sitcom grind (New Girl sucks this season but that rant is far too long to get into).
Thursday (That’s today!) work was pretty busy but we handled the scandal so the day went pretty smoothly. There was still about an hour of boredom before worked kicked in where I shopped online and bought some shirts and very dope Vans.
Ladies bringing the super(hero) heat.
Summer kicks (yea, I still say kicks).
Straight from work I went to the gym, bought a lock like a real gym person AND changed in the men’s locker room. I’m not a fan of this move but I guess if my dick is only out for .002 seconds it’s OK. Some dudes love to hang out with their wang’s out in that room. I don’t get it but to each their own. I only keep my dick open to the elements when I’m either A.) alone and feeling frisky or B.) not alone and feeling frisky. I forgot my water, and the TV on the treadmill didn’t work but I still managed to lift the bar today. I ran 4.5 miles nonstop, rested, ran, rested and ended up doing 6 miles and burning over 1,000 calories.
Benny loves my jams.
After stretching it out in the corner (while being thrown shade by two ugly people in the corner with me) I got a protein smoothie. Yes folks, I was feeling the health and wellness! Banana split protein smoothie for this young chubby man and it was fucking DELICIOUS! After the smoothie I had a healthy dinner, showered then got deep in the Netflix grind. Around 10PM my ex girlfriend picked me up to go get a drink. Let’s call her Lilly. We had a few drinks and I made snide comments about her current boyfriend while catching up with her life and angling for a 3 way with her and her hot friend (no traction there as you may suspect).
artsy beer picture.
In all honesty it was great to see Lilly because she’s a great woman and I’ve made some of the best memories of my life with her so I always want what’s best for her (even if it’s not me and that’s the painful thing about love).
Made this incredible memory with my Lily. Also I can drink AND swim, skillzzzzz.
After a few drinks Lilly brought me home so I could write about my week to my lovable and loyal readers. Right now it’s about 3am and I need to be at work in 5 hours but this means more to me so I press on for the good of the people! Man gym selfies, talking about romantic encounters AND I write a fucking blog? That sounds pretty god damn douchy but I think I do it with the slightest charm and self awareness that it works (I hope). That just about catches us up folks, thanks for reading!
Keep Smiling (even when your ex won’t give you any sugar no matter how charming you are because she knows all your moves/”tricks”)