What an eye-catching title! If I weren’t the one writing this blog I wouldn’t be able to pass clicking on such an alluring piece of writing. Yes I’ve been lazy/busy again but I promise to cut out the fat and just give you the goods this week. Writing how boring work is or how the gym went isn’t too exciting so fuck all that shit. Also disclaimer, I’m writing part of this at work, home and my lunch break so apologies for any straying of subject matter. I’m just kidding, I’m not sorry and all I do is stray so just buckle up.
Where did I last leave you? Last Friday?! My stars time does fly when you’re living with your parents in your 30’s. That’s a saying right? Last Friday was pretty damn fun actually so let’s get in the time machine. This time machine only can go back a week so it doesn’t have all the bells and whistles of the DeLorean. Our time machine is more like a used 2007 Jetta Wolfsburg with 150 thousand miles on it and half an 18 pack of Miller High Life in the backseat that I forgot was there. Cranked up to 88MPH while texting and let’s go back, back to Friday. Friday I was “hired” to deal a charity poker tournament for my buddy KJ. A close friend of his family passed away and every year they have this huge charity event and raise a pile of money in their loved one’s honor. I almost feel guilty being paid to be involved but hey, a brother has to make a buck.
The tournament went smoothly, minus the terrible music being played in the room (I heard Nickleback twice). The players were really cool and kept buying me beers but after a couple I had to decline. I was driving and as much as old Matty digs the poison he (me) doesn’t care to mix drinking and driving. Stay safe folks! After the tourney KJ dealt some blackjack, I hung around and ate pizza until the event wrapped up. Around 11pm myself, KJ, KJ’s very hot ex girlfriend and now good friend Ashley (well done KJ), some of her very cute friends and a fun bunch of guys all headed to Kowloon for a post event drink.
Kowloon is a local spot on route 1 (if you’re not from my neck of the woods), it’s a huge Chinese food restaurant that people love going to and I honestly don’t get it. The food there is pretty lousy and the bar is swarmed with douche bags. Alas I was up for an adventure. At first it was really awkward because I only knew KJ and he knew everyone so he was mingling and I was staring at my Instagram feed while nursing a bud light. Eventually shy Matt gave way to game show host Matt and I got friendly with the new group. I got a very nice compliment from my new buddy Jeremy on the strength of my beard (real recognize real). I had a quick discussion with Mary Anne (possibly Lee Anne?) about the vibrators, she was impressed and befuddled by my (albeit minimal) knowledge of the different kinds. Cards on the table, we all know I dabble in pushing limits but my personal massage tool expertise only comes from listening to girls talk and porn. Thanks again porn! You’re always there for me. Lee/Mary/not sure-Anne was a fun cute brunette so I figured flirting with her would keep the night entertaining. We somehow got on the topic of oral sex and I displayed my vast expertise and intimate knowledge, which seemed to brighten her night. Alas I lost her interest when a handsome chocolate charmer came into the picture. I forget his name but he was chill as hell and I was happy to concede. After Kowloon we agreed to assemble a worthy squad and go to The Squire. The Squire is a gentleman’s (word used very loosely) club in Revere. My first strip club choice is always the Golden Banana because I like the layout, the Friday cast is top notch and my friend K works (dances) Fridays and I enjoy her company and seeing her naked. The horribly designed parking lot was full so we had to park down the street. Also the whole back premises (where we parked) was fenced in. We could either A. walk all the way around the block or B. crawl through a hole in the fence that lead to dumpster behind the seedy strip club. We clearly chose B and I was happy to be a member of a group who would make decisions like this. After me making handjob by the dumpster jokes we filed into the boob shack. I took a picture of the sign and KJ remarked “do you want me to take a picture of you in front of the sign for your blog” what a god damn wise ass! But good burn KJ. I declined then emptied my pockets for the metal detector.
notice I am not in this picture.
In this moment is where I became buddies with the charming chocolate man who won the attention of Lee/Mary/? Anne. We bonded over random and out of context movie quotes and also boobs. The set up for this strip club is awful but after scouting it out we got a nice seat. We watched the “talent” while waiting for one we felt worthy of the pile of ones I got at the bar. KJ and I agreed on one and headed to perv row (the stage seating area). I made my patented dollar bill house and garnered the attention of said dancer. I made my typical strip club jokes to her and she laughed so hard she struggled to get her underwear off and almost put a heel in my eye socket. That might have sucked but would have made a good story. I said some other shit to her but I believe a language barrier went up because I think she was Brazilian and my Portuguese is rusty. Fuck! I knew this blog would be way too long, screw it. After singing to Rihanna’s “Work” and some 90’s R&B, last call rolled around and we were booted out. Ashley drove us back to our cars but not before making a pit stop at Bill and Bobs. As I’ve said before the roast beef sandwich is a North Shore staple and always caps off a fun night.
Saturday I played in the same poker tournament I won the week before but came up short this time around. I was completely card dead (bad hands) the whole day but managed to hang in there. I was eventually bounced out in 15th place (no money) but I was happy with the way I played. One of my best friends on the planet Mallorie was in town form NYC so the early tournament exit allowed me to see her (silver lining). I picked her up in the city of sin (Lynn) and we made our way into Boston. Mal is my best pal and my number one movie partner. I hate seeing movies with most of the humans on this planet but Mal is number one with a bullet.
We caught the Coolidge Corner Theater (my home) midnight showing of “Death Becomes Her” a sci-fi comedy starring Goldie Hawn, Bruce Willis and Meryl Streep which was Directed by Robert Zemeckis after the Back to the Future trilogy. It was a great 35mm print but I recalled the movie being more funny, oh well. I brought Mal home as she gave me career advice (which helped) then called it a night.
Sunday I slept in (much needed) then got the call from Shane for some bocce ball. It was a beautiful day so I was excited about an outdoor hang. I tried on a few outfits to correctly fit the occasion and landed on Hawaiian shirt and flamingo patterned Vans. I scooped up Keegan and met up at Shane’s place where he had two cases of Bud Light Limes ready to rock. We filled the coolers, had a couple of drinks while waiting for crab ass Jason to show up. Once he stumbled in we rolled to the bocce courts.
Check the shoes folks.
Best shirt you’ve ever seen right?
Balls were tossed, rolled, chucked and punched (Shane ball-tagged my testicles and it hurt but be bought the beer so I made no complaints). After playing a few hours some of our lady friends showed up to test their skills, we all got bored and went to grab food. We landed at the best BBQ spot in the Boston area (my opinion) Blue Ribbon BBQ. I got a pile of brisket, chicken, beans, rice and corn bread.
We went back to Shane’s apartment and watched the end of Con Air on the giant screen TV in his lounge area. After Nick Cage saves the day and the credits rolled I mad my way north. John and Jecka had a couple people over playing drinking games and I figured I’d make an appearance. My afternoon buzz was gone since I ate all the food in the world so driving was still safe. We played some goofy combination of flip cup and beer pong that I had never seen. We ran out of beer and switched to wine (not as fun for casual drinking games). After that game was done we played some Secret Werewolves. I actually think this game is called One Night Werewolves but I like Secret Werewolves more, it’s more provocative. We played for about an hour and I sucked as usual but had a good time. Headed home so I could attempt to get some sleep since I had to be up at 6am.
How did he know!?
Monday nothing special happened. After work and the gym (the boring shit) I met up with my friend Harley. I hadn’t seen her since Halloween and decided to stop flaking on her and actually hang out. She made me a fairly gross (sorry Harley) cocktail using root beer flavored whisky (horrible invention). Her cocktail was root beer flavored whisky mixed with actual root beer. I’m not one to complain about a free cocktail made by a sweet woman but this one missed the mark (sorry Harley). We shot the shit about life and played sitcom drinking games. For instance when there is a flashback you take a sip, or when exaggerated physical comedy is used you take a sip. Harley also had two gifts for me that she had ready before I moved west. Luckily that was short-lived because I love presents. She made me these awesome coasters with pages from comic books on the top. My own custom Superman coasters for my cocktail glasses. They are dope as hell and I was touched at such a thoughtful gift. It was getting late and I got my presents so I headed home. On the way I got some angry texts from a jealous boyfriend who had hijacked his (apparent) girlfriend’s phone. I fielded the text with a “new phone, who dis” response. Good one Matt! Anyway, long story short I need a new place to get my haircut. Meh, on second thought I don’t, they treat me right at that shop (I will not name that shop due to alleged entanglements with the staff).
Tuesday I was overtired and didn’t want to be at work at 7am. I’m running the receiving dock this week since my boss is out. I’ve been getting up at 6am all week and going to bed around 2am. Not the smartest but fuck it, I’ll live. On the way into work I heard the distinct sound of a turkey gobbling. Am I somehow stoned without smoking pot? Nope (unfortunately). I turned around and saw a wild turkey walking towards me. Then two more emerged from the wooded area near the parking lot and followed. These assholes looked like they weren’t fucking around. I went inside and they walked up to a tree right next to the gate and started eating berries. I decided to go outside and make turkey noises to see what would happen. They all begrudgingly strolled away. I guess I dodged a bullet, they could have pecked my eyes out!
Look at these monsters!
Anyway, the 80’s classic Weird Science (John Hughes) was playing at the Brattle Theater at 9:30 and I was campaigning for a date most of the day. No takers so after work (and an overdue nap) I drove into Cambridge and went to the movie solo. I hadn’t seen Weird Science since I was a kid and I’m happy to report the movie holds the fuck up. The jokes all hit, Anthony Michael Hall might deserve a retroactive Oscar nomination for his role as Gary Wallace.
Gary and his best fried Wyatt decide to make their own woman. Through some 80’s computer nonsense and a Frankenstein-esque set up (with a doll not a cobbled together dead body, gross) lightning strikes and boom, we have Lisa. Lisa played by the sexpot Kelly Lebrock is the supposed sex slave/play thing for the boys. The boys are too shy to make a move and Lisa teaches them to be men. Spoiler, adult Kelly Lebrock does not fuck these high school boys so relax. Weird Science even features a young Robery Downey Jr (Ironman himself!) as the bully (one of two) to our heroes Gary and Wyatt.
My good god.
After the movie I grabbed a drink at The Sinclair, a very underrated bar down the street from The Brattle. Headed home around 12am and another night of minimal sleep was to be had.
Wednesday was a normal day and I was excited to lay low after work and not go to bed past 1am alas fate wanted the opposite. My friend Brittany had an extra ticket to the Rex Sox game and I’m never one to turn down a (free) trip to Fenway. I went to the gym after working 11 hours and halfway through changing I realized that I had in fact forgotten my running shorts. It was slightly embarrassing to walk back out of the gym after only being there 4 minutes. I went home and got ready for the game. Britt picked me up which meant I wasn’t driving and could drink as many overpriced beers at the game as I damn pleased. I was overjoyed to return to the cathedral of Boston after my very brief departure from the city.
My happy place.
Our seats were in right field but after some little kid wielding ice cream sat next to me I was primed to move. I wanted to swear and drink without a miniature human on my armrest. I nominated the best kept secret at Fenway, the Coke deck ( I like to call it the
Pusha deck). We enjoyed the Sox victory up there while I had my first Fenway Frank of the year.
After the game we headed to the car then back to the north shore. Quick pit stop at Boarder Cafe for a margarita (I got a strawberry one). I also eat enough tortilla chips to kill a smaller human and dipped a few in my margarita for fun/it was delicious. Called it a night and just about made it to bed before the clock struck 1am.
Thursday (happy birthday Kerri!) was pretty shitty actually. Work was a massive pain in the ass, my credit card number was stolen and PRINCE FUCKING DIED! The musical genius, the master behind some of the best songs in history. The credit card thing sucks but I guess I’ll be rolling with cash the next week or so, come and get it muggers. It was real sad to see Mr. little red corvette pass on but as he once said “Life is just a party and parties weren’t meant to last” rest in power you glorious bastard.
Take a lesson from Price folks; no matter how weird you thought he was, he was always himself, PRINCE! Always do you baby. Thursday night I was offered a home cooked meal by my friend Brittany (not the red sox game one, shit is confusing I know). After Brittany decided she under-cooked the salmon she tossed it in the garbage and we just ate sides. It was pretty funny and I had beer to fill me up so I didn’t mind. We watched some wrestling and I was lost as hell, Brittany’s dog finally stopped biting me and we became best pals.
After Smack down (wrestling show on Thursdays I guess) I made some side boob jokes that Britt rolled her eyes at then I saw myself out the door and headed home. Tomorrow (technically today) is my best friend Ethan’s birthday and we are planning on seeing Real Genius at the Brattle, which should be fun. Ok good! I kept this under 3,000 words, good for me. Thanks for reading folks!
Keep Smiling (even when the elevator is trying to break you down)