Val Kilmer and Ms. Piggy

My old creative writing teacher (in high school) Mr. Ryan always taught me that you must hook your reader in with the first sentence. In this case I think the title should do the fucking trick. One of the worst Batmans and the most cloying muppet on the roster. Cloying means sappy or corny, I could have wrote corny (or hammy, PUN) but then you wouldn’t know how much I like to show off my vocabulary. Here is a rule of thumb from your boy Matthew, If someone tells me their favorite muppet is Ms. Piggy they are a shitty person or an unhinged predator. Perhaps cloying was the wrong word, solipsistic is more fitting. Solipsism is the concept that self is all that can be known to exist. Yes this is the same Matt McAskill who wears a jacket that houses a pin describing his (mine) oral sex enthusiasm and an MC Hammer trading card. Remember when I told you my family members read this blog? haha Heyyyy folks, this is me. My point being is you can be the darkness and the light, one does not always have to choose. I like to think of myself as a deep thinker, someone who is always looking inward. I also like to shut off my brain, get drunk at a strip club and blow my paycheck on superfluous and fleeting bullshit. I struggle with this on a daily basis but it’s fun to toe that line. Perhaps it’s my refusal to commit to one thing but if I knew exactly what I wanted all the time, would this shit be interesting to read. All that being said, I hate Ms. Piggy but I do a spot on impression of her.Next time you see me just ask me

Were did I last leave you wonderful jerks? Last Thursday while we mourned the loss of Prince? What a god damn shame right? Now we no longer have the king of pop, Freddie Mercury, David Bowie AND Prince?! What legends are still alive? If you mention any shit-bag hair rock band, I will choke you with my bare hands. We still have Elton John and a long line of modern legends but the old guard is stepping to another realm. RIP folks, start a dope band from the other side and release your album via psychics or withes or some other shit, ball is in your court.

FRIDAY! Alright maybe all caps and an exclamation point was too much to describe what I did on Friday. Alas I’m a dramatic person, which is probably why you read my blog dickheads (sorry baby, you know I love you). Friday was actually worthy of all caps and 300 exclamation points because it was my best friend Ethan’s Birthday. Although Ethan hates his birthday so we never make too big a deal of it. This year E’s birthday landed on a night where The Battle Theater was showing a movie we both love, Real Genius. Real Genius is one of Val’s (Kilmer) first starring roles ad he’s playing a Dr. Peter Venkman-esque (Bill Murray in Ghostbusters) character. He’s the smartest one in the room but decides being silly trumps flexing one’s intelligence. The Brattle had a great 35MM print of the film which helped distract from the fact that I was in a chair that was set too high where I couldn’t touch my feet to the ground.

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Drawbacks of being vertically challenged is some chairs remind you of your lack of height. BUT one of the pluses of being short is developing a stellar personality at a young age which somehow gives you an upper hand with ladies in most situations as you get older. After the movie Ethan and myself were both beat and decided to call it a night. Wait! I almost forgot Ethan’s lady was with us. It’s not my place to broadcast someone else’s business but Ethan’s companion is a great dame and I adore having her on the team. She had never seen Real Genius and got a kick of me and E whispering goofy jokes to one another during the 80’s classic.

Saturday was pretty bullshit so we won’t dwell too long. I played my customary poker tournament and was card dead as fuck. I only lasted a couple hours but sometimes shit happens in the game of poker. Afterwards I  scrambled to make worthy plans for the night but scrapped that to get pizza and watch Broad City. I fully endorse my decision and have zero regrets. Where did i get my pizza? Little fucking Italy, AKA the best god damn pizza in the land!

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Sunday was a pretty eventful day and I had a bast. I slept like shit but that’s pretty normal for me. Sunday I got my shit together and headed into the city to meet my bocce ball team for our first league meet and greet. What?! Matt! Did you join a Bocce ball brunch league?! Yes. I think I already mentioned this to you guys. Myself, Shane, Jason and Durkin showed The Sinclair we were the team to beat while I shouted nonsense in an attempt to get laughs. (it worked for the most part).

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After we chucked balls across strategically placed AstroTurf  we got some brunch. Due to some mysterious brunch reservations we were confined to the bar area for our meal. Luckily our bartender had great hair and looked like the type of guy girl’s leave me for. Props bartender you magnificent rouge. We split some delicious doughnuts as appetizers. After those spherical delights I got myself some Breakfast tacos/beers.

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Taking pictures of one’s food is an asshole movie but we live in asshole times soooo yea.

Since my credit card was still compromised Shane was kind enough to be my sugar daddy and pay for my meal. After breakfast we played more Bocce ball at the park with Keegan then went back to Shane’s to watch basketball which I promptly slept through. After all that I went to meet up with Summer for our date. We did my favorite thing, watched Rounders (my number one favorite movie) ate pizza and talked about life. I can’t remember if nudity came into play (it did) but I can say I had a wonderful time with Summer and always look forward to seeing her.

Monday was the return to one of my favorite activities, softball! I played baseball growing up and always adored the sport. When I got older and stopped giving a fuck who won or lost I started playing softball. It’s really fun and sometimes I’m good at it (so far this year I’m shaking off the cobwebs). We won the game and I looked great in the inform. Other than that I didn’t do too much spectacular in the game but the hours before the game were interesting. I had to visit the bank like an asshole due to the debit card fraudulence and I ran into an old crush. The girl I was in love with throughout high school works at the bank I happen to have all my money hanging out in. I hardly ever get nervous around ladies anymore but this woman cut me down to my high school self. I did my best to be “cool Matt” but the nervous dork kept trying to jump out and scream “you’re beautiful and I want to kiss you until one of us chips a tooth!” on a scale of 1-10 on the keeping-it-cool scale I’d say I clocked in at a 6 tops. It’s funny how some people have that effect on you even when you’re a god damn adult. I made her laugh and blush once or twice but still wanted to run back to my car and call Ethan to explain how much of a spazz I was. Let’s move past this because I’m blushing a little bit and that’s not what I was aiming to do while writing this shit! That was my Monday! I also got some delicious Bill and Bob’s roast beef after softball to cap off a strange day. 

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This looks gross but is delicious in every decadent way.

Tuesday nothing insane happened other than me watching Con Air with a friend then getting burritos from the new (ish) Mexican joint in my home town of Beverly. It’s worth noting that I enjoyed a glass bottle of Coke with my Burrito. Only a handful of people know what a glass bottle of coke means to me but hey, talking in code is fun.

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Wednesday sucked at work but luckily we had more softball! Oh yea we lost but we played a team sponsored by the glorious Golden Banana strip club. This isn’t the first or last time the Golden Banana (reminder this is a top notch local strip club) has gotten the best of me! Oh well, more than worth it. I hoped they would have employees of the club on their sidelines but that didn’t happen. BUT they did fight harder than us and ummmm I forgot what I was saying but I sure do love the Golden Banana. That brings us to the present kids! You should be stoked how short I kept my blogging nonsense this week! I was talking to a friend recently about using my blog as a job application and they called it “too raw” which made me extremely happy, that means you folks are getting the real me! (assuming you give a flying fuck). Anyway! Thanks for reading! Until next time!

Keep smiling (even if your only quality impression is Ms. Piggy)

For said impression take a look at my Instagram or Facebook.

 

and guess what! That’s right, I bought my own domain with the help of my love/best pal Mallorie! New blog on the way, hope you like it! Just sit tight folks!

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