Beefcakes and breakdowns

Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme. Get on up, it BLOG TIME! COOL RUNNINGSSSSSS!

Remember when I promised to post more frequently? Yea, I dropped the ball but I’ll always make it up to you baby. Where are you going!? Come back! I love you! Fine, leave! Oh, hey folks we are back to the rambling, crass jokes and inevitable typos. Some interesting shit has happened since we last sat down and chatted. You look good, have you been working out? I like your shirt, are those polkadots? Very classy. Instead of rattling off the crap I did day to day we’ll get to the good shit and dump the nonsense. I’m just kidding, this is all nonsense but isn’t it fun?!

What has happened to old Matty McFly in the past couple weeks? Saw some dope movies, met a wrestling legend (apparently), played some sports, kissed a pretty lady and had a slight mental breakdown. I know right? That wrestling thing sounds intriguing, let’s ignore the mental break thing, ok thanks. FINE! I’ll talk about it, but let’s cover some of the more pleasant bullshit first.

Let’s talk movies, my favorite subject and i’ve seen some gems in the past 2 weeks. This is still the lull between post Oscar hangover and summer blockbusters. This time of year you don’t get the best of the best but May kicks off the summer as far as studios are concerned so we got Captain America Civil War (I’ll get to that momentarily). I’ve been a big fan of Key and Peele and the two comedy masterminds have switched over from television to movies with Keanu.

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Wait a fucking second, this isn’t my movie review blog! Sorry folks, but the movie was hysterical. The best part about seeing Keanu was the theater. The Assembly Row AMC has Coke freestyle machines which means you can pick ANY soda. I like to mix about 6 different kinds together like I’m a child. Don’t knock it till ya tried it. The second movie I saw and honestly the most important movie i’ll probably see all year (this and Suicide Squad) was of course Captain America Civil War. I don’t need to dwell on how awesome this movie was. Top 5 superhero movies of all time, maybe top 3! It’s hard to say and this is a topic that could lead to a rant so I’ll avoid it. I will say it lived up to the hype and far surpassed it. Also Black Panther is incredible and SPIDERMAN! FUCK! ok that’s it. Team Ironman bitchhhhh.

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ugh look how fat I look, Chris Evans would be disgusted.

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Team Ironman.

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It’s been so damn long since I wrote a blog I had to take notes to figure out what to discuss. It’s hard getting older, you forget things. It’s funny, I know I’m not actually old and even if I was old it would be ok because I’m good looking (kidding! ok I’m not). The funny thing is how my perception of time has changed as I’ve gotten older. Time seems to move faster but recent experiences feel like they happened ages ago. For instance, I was on the road 2 months ago heading west. I know it was recent but it feels like it happened years ago, fucked up right?

I did some more dealing (poker) a couple weeks ago and I got to meet a wrestling legend. I was doing the charity tournament deal again and the guest of honor was Brutus the Barber Beefcake. Let me fist put a disclaimer that I don’t know dick about wrestling. On paper I find wrestling to be dope but it’s not my cup of tea in reality. When I was a kid I didn’t fuck with video games or wresting. I was more into movies, street hockey and setting shit on fire. The Barber Beefcake strolled out and he is a massive human being. Really nice guy, took pictures with everyone, including your boy.

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I think I could take this guy, should have challenged him!

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Ethan informed me about his legend status and implored me to get a picture with him. He even gave someone an aggressive haircut and nearly cut his ear off. Apparently the one of his three nicknames (bit excessive) was accurate. The Beefcake also had a bunch of poorly done superhero tattoos. I was stoked about the subject matter but bummed about the execution, kind of like most porn. Brutus got kinda sauced and tried to cut the brim off my Red Sox hat with his patented pruning sheers. He didn’t really, it was just for a picture for his website (speaking of porn). I also played some poker the day after I dealt the tourney and it went quite poorly so fuck talking about it.

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Although I did see the waitress I have a crush on that works at the poker room I play in on the weekends (shout out Hampton Falls). She is a pretty dame and is too good to be taking food orders for toothless New Hampshire poker creatures. She should be selling tea on Instagram or a magician’s assistant. NO! Those jobs aren’t good enough, she should be sexy cop or a superhero or a late night talk show host. She could do anything! Don’t tell her I said that, it’s super creepy.

Sunday brunch bocce is still going strong of course. I think “Bocc the Jewels” is the team to beat in this bad boy (that’s my team).

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I know I’m an asshole, pointing it out will do you or I no good.

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Stock Bocce pic of me, get in line ladies.

We won both our matches and the bartender had the beer I like special for me which made me happy. They don’t sell Miller High Lifes on one side of The Sinclair (the side we play bocce on) and she always grabs a few for me which is sweet of her. This is the good looking thing coming back into play, possibly the charm as well. Not the modesty. After Bocce we did brunch of course, it was delicious and we toasted shots in honor of Dirken’s recent birthday. One shot lead to a few more. Then Annie, our new teammate who resisted all my sexual advances (somehow) decided to buy us more shots. Welcome to the team Annie! My big brother Jamie even showed up to hang out for a while then promptly drove me home. Don’t drink and drive folks, not smart.

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Happy B-day Dirk Magirk

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Breakfast tacos are on POINT.

Within the lull of writing my fabulous blog Mother’s day happened. Happy Mom’s day Val, stop reading my blog please and thank you. Still love you. We had lovely breakfast with Mom, Dad, Jamie (who was late) Auntie Diane, Taylor (cousin/sister), and Nana the destroyer. After the extended family went their separate ways Val insisted we see the horrible looking movie “Mother’s Day.” After hitting traffic, missing it at one theater we went to a far subpar (that rhymed!) theater with horrible food and saw that pile of shit movie.

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I take alot of these pictures so deal with my simple yet elegant outfit.

A snooty Marblehead (that’s where we saw it) lady holding a very full wine glass claimed we were in her seats which was annoying because she was painfully wrong. It aggravates me when people are both ignorant and arrogant at the same time. I put that bitch (I’m calling her a bitch not referring to all women as such) in her place but had to use tact to not be a dickhead in front of my mother. Anyway the movie is worse than it looks but inspired my big brother to make a joke that I’m still laughing at a week later. It’s too much to explain but the punchline was “this whole movie is a parade of vaginas” well played Jamie. Wonder where my sense of humor came from? Big bro is party to blame/thank. While stuck in the car for way too long on this seemingly endless holiday I invited the family to play movie trivia games of which I destroyed them at but everyone had fun. At Least I think they did? I know Val did and that’s really all that mattered.

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I love my mom enough to watch this rusty grocery cart of aged horse dicks of a movie. Fuck you Garry Marshall. Love ya Val.

Hmmmm what else happened? I visited my old college to take care of something that could end up being awesome but I don’t want to jinx it.

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I also watched Cool Runnings which is the cure for all sad faces. I LOVE YOU JOHN CANDY! Yes I fucking yelled that! This week was pretty good, Smithy is visiting from Cali and we got to hang. Saturday we went to his niece’s 5th birthday party. I showed up late to miss the swarm of children and eat the left over pizza/cake and drink the remaining beer. Today Mr. Benny Smith and myself got the powerful Little Italy pizza (obligatory Garret shut out). I needed some food after dealing another tourney today. I got tipped a pile of free passes to the Golden Banana strip club. Those will be put to very good use! Free boobs! Well, those are not things I need to pay to see (see my chapter on charm and good looks) but it’s still fun for me.

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Now we are going to switch gears a bit and discuss an incident that happened that sent me into a depression tail spin. Woa! Matty McFly (this is my self-appointed nickname and if you don’t like it you can suck my dick) gets depressed?! Yea, we all do but mostly I’m a happy man. In this blog I don’t pull many punches, I brush upon my sex life and my life of the party side (we refer to this as gameshow host Matt). Some people have gotten the impression I have a drinking problem. It hurts to be seen that way because some people very close to me have had that demon in the past. The character I present myself as is a drinker but in reality I’m a responsible drinker and blah blah blah. I would assume anyone who reads this blog knows me well enough to be aware of the reality that I’m not a booze bag. Hang on, I need to refill my glass. SHIT! Maybe I am a lush.

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oops.

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I’m 32! Also this is a joke so settle.

I’m not. This blog is me showing all my sides, while showing those sides I reference social interactions. I’m a single man in my 30’s that is notorious for cutting lose and having fun. In social engagements alcoholic drinks show up sometimes and I’ll paint the accurate picture with my magical words and discuss said beverages. I don’t really need to write this disclaimer but I don’t want anyone thinking I drink myself to sleep every night, I don’t. To those who accused me of that affliction I forgive you but maybe reading my blog is not the best idea for you. Holy shitttttt that got real for a second right? Gotta break the tension ummmm I also made tender thunderous love with a dreamy dame recently (and frequently), did that help the mood?

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Drunk womanizer with a shitty job who lives with his parents? You might see it that way but you’d be wrong. I mean I do live with my parents but for like a month and half longer you dicks! I suffered a mini breakdown from those hurtful accusations but I seized the low point’s potential. I decided to take the shitty vibes, use them as fuel to propel me to do something huge.

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I’d like to thank my brother Ethan for helping me on this path. What are you talking about Matty?! Don’t call me Matty, unless you’re a cute girl and are flirting with me. I can’t divulge the big news until I see if it pans out but it’s a good thing. It’s a great thing actually. Anyway I’m back to blog mode and on that note I’d like to do some shout outs to people who apparently always read my blog and I had no clue they did. Hey Fred (told you I’d mention you eventually), Carly, Paul, Rob (thanks for writing that thing for me that we discussed, you rule), Collins, and Chris Evans. Okay! Chris Evans doesn’t read my blog, you happy?! But I wish he would and maybe be my best buddy. Yea, that’s not gonna help my cause. Anyway! Thanks for reading folks! See ya next time!

Keep Smiling (even when dark times crush you to breaking points then you watch Daredevil on Netflix and it inspires you to toughen up)

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