Well, fuck. According to my records, I have not posted a blog in over a month? Let me check my calendar… well fuck me and you. This is not acceptable and I intend to rectify it. Since I have waited so long to post some silly nonsense about my goofy life, I’m sure the amount of people who care has shrunk considerably. Alas, I shall provide for those who have stayed! Where did I last leave you? Was I still 33, broke, living with my parents and in college? Ah yes, well nothing has changed but I did shave my beard! I miss it, but it was for the sake of Halloween, we’ll get there.
Pre shave. sigh, so luscious.
My brother Kyle honored me with the duty of being his best man and with that honor comes one very important responsibility, the bachelor party. During the planning of said bachelor party, the groom (Kyle) decided he wanted to play a large part in its planning. I had an idea planned of what I wanted to do and Kyle agreed but that meant no surprises. What we/I had on tap was; poker tourney in to kick it all off (all of us are degenerate gamblers), then go karts, then Foxwoods for bowling and gambling. Kyle agreed but the challenge of surprises rested on my shoulders. I am a man who prides himself on two things; his ability to party and his determination to show the people he loves how much he cares for them. In the Venn diagram of these things, Kyle’s bachelor party fell smack dab in the middle! What is a man to do? A man like me? Find a fucking surprise or two! First I had to compile a list of worthy attendees. There was one person Kyle had become distant with and I took it upon myself to get him to the party. Surprise one, friendship mended. The next was to tap a man who was a parental figure in the infancy of mine and Kyle’s poker life, Romo. Romo is a great man and I’m proud to have become his fake nephew and real friend. Romo showed up to the poker table that Friday (bachelor party obviously) and Kyle lit up. Surprise number two. This blog may go long, so if reading about my silly life in detail is too much to handle, feel free to get off the ride now. Get off! Later gators! Please come back! I need you! Knowing all the attendees to the bachelor party are degenerates, I decided to make things more interesting. I developed a scavenger hunt for all participants of the glorious bachelor party. Points will be awarded for certain tasks, accomplishments, bets, achievements and party glory.
I had a clipboard throughout the day and as the power went to my head, I awarded and subtracted points as I saw fit.
Oh! what did the winner get? A glorious cornucopia of vices and fun. Competition is what separates the strong from the weak, BUT all deserve rewards for their achievements.
Bachelor Party scavenger hunt first prize!
I also had a backpack of prizes, separate from the grand prize. In said magical bag were scratch tickets, nips of booze, Pez dispensers, and free strip club entries. I am a fair ruler but also power can make a man mad! Surprise number three in the books, Kyle and the rest of the boys loved it.
prizes for all! There were like 20 more scratch tickets though, mostly duds.
John won the poker tournament, Kyle won the Go Kart race, Todd crushed the push up contest and by the time we hit Foxwoods I was pretty tipsy. Designated drivers all received 30 points and $5 scratch tickets for their selflessness. One more surprise before best man Matt fell to the booze and gambling. Before heading to Foxwoods, I texted Kyle’s dad to meet us at the casino. Harold (Kyle’s Dad) is a poker player himself so he just needed a little push. Around 11pm, I escorted Harold to the pool tables in High Rollers (restaurant at Foxwoods) and when Kyle laid eyes on his pops, he lit up. Surprise number four, and that’s all I had left in me. How did the rest of the party go? I gambled drunk and lost, borrowed some money from Todd and won most of it back the next day while sober. Sunday was the real important day, the wedding!
Todd can do a lot of push ups! I lost $20 on this bet.
Me keeping tabs on all the points.
Groomsman and groom and groom’s dad. I ruined this picture.
In my 30’s i’ve been to many weddings, it’s that time in most people’s lives where they take the next step and become real adults. Me? Nope! Well… not yet. Kyle gave me a job and I was going to carry it out to the very end. One hang up during the wedding though, I had class! I don’t mean as in my sense of character or how I acted (I did), literal class for grad school. We had a peer review of scripts on Skype and I had to find a way to make it all work. With broad shoulders we welcome all possible weight. You know who said that? ME! I’m a beautiful and poetic wordsmith with a cute smile and bad credit. Also I’m short and bad at math. All the groomsman looked amazing and I was ready to lead them to Kyle and Jenn’s wedding victory! We sat everyone and I stood at the alter, swelling with pride for my brother and a pocket full of rings. I was terrified I would lose the rings so I kept reaching in my pocket and touching them. The ceremony kicked off, Kyle looked like a Mafia don, Jenn looked liked a beauty queen but hotter. The vows made your boy tear up, rings were not lost and we all cheered as they sealed the deal with a kiss.
cute candid pic I snagged.
Time to party! Shit, I have a speech don’t I? Crap! I wasn’t ready for all that! haha yea fucking right, I had that speech ready to go the day Kyle called me asking me to be his best man. I had written and rewritten it many many times. Most best man speeches are either funny or heartfelt, I think everyone expected funny out of me, I wonder why? Well, I went the other way and I think that took the masses of people who know me by surprise. Look, I can be silly joking Matt every single day, this was a time I wanted to be serious and show Kyle and Jenn how much I care about them. I’m not sure, but I think I did. After the toast I danced to a couple songs then headed to class. I set up my janky laptop and hand class for about an hour and they let me go early to be the best man.
Class online in my tux.
More dancing and cue the drinks. I didn’t want to be drunk for my toast or my class so I held off. Surprising right?! Well, I’m not a total boozebag, alas as a writer, so I get a pass. It was an amazing wedding and when it was all said and done, we had a bit of an afterparty at John’s new (beautiful) house. I had a stressful week with school, work and the wedding so I called out Monday and partied with my friends.
What else happened since we last spoke?! Let’s seeeeee, I took a personal day to explore some New England fall foliage and cider doughnuts. I ran the North Shore Cancer 5K and felt like dying but raised some nice money and got some dope NesQuick sunglasses. I also took advantage of a hot fall day and watched Ghostbusters on the beach while enjoying some beers with my friend BB.
Ghostbusters on the beach.
I saw Beetlejuice with my man Keegan at the mighty Coolidge theater and ran into my homegirl Kylie from Emerson. Donated some blood for the kids and my arm hurt for 5 days for some weird ass reason.
Oh well. Then I compiled the necessary items for a perfect halloween costume, Quint from Jaws! Fitting right? I agree. Me, Keegan, Shane, Aaron, and Durkin dressed to the nines and hit the dance floor. I remember most of the night but not all of it.
Black like a doll’s eyes.
I also took a fantastic ghost tour of Salem with the infamous ghost-hunter BB and it was a blast. I almost peed my pants due to the abundance of Bailys and hot chocolate and the beers beforehand. On Halloween the mighty Coolidge had a double feature of Psycho and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. In between the films they had a psychologist ( I think) discuss the crime that inspired both movies (and Silence of the Lambs), the Ed Gein murders and other fucked up things, it was interesting and creepy.
That pretty much catches us up folks. It’s finals season for my first semester of grad school and that will suck up a lot of time. I want to finish strong and prepare for next semester in LA. That sums it up folks! Look at that, I kept it under 2,000 words haha, you’re welcome!
Until next time my sweets, keep smiling! Even when you’re convinced things can’t get better and you think your a fucking loser. Hang tough (me), it will get better (I hope).
Enjoy this picture of Samuel Jackson and Tim Burton having lunch together. With a pillow of Sam Jackson. Exquisite.
Look at my great new flannel!